The Estate Sale

Although the sign near the large gates explicitly stated that it would begin at 9 a.m., collectors hoping to get a head start on the estate sale were already lining up at 7:30.

The home of tech billionaire Ignatius Selbaz – well, one of his many homes – was up for grabs, as were all of its contents. Although most of the furniture and other items would likely be far beyond the price range of casual shoppers, there were plenty of curiosity seekers mixed in among the wealthy. While the affluent would walk away with the big ticket objects, surely there were a few bargains to be found.  

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Bluesky @scottadamson1960.bsky.social

This particular sale was taking place in Atherton, California, but there were others scheduled across the globe. A week earlier, the mercurial Selbaz had released a statement that he was “shedding his excess” and there would be more information to come.

As the gates of the Atherton property began to open – nearly 90 minutes ahead of schedule – the hundreds of people gathered trotted toward the front door. Once there, they were greeted by a well-dressed young man with a big smile.

“Hello, everyone! My name’s Will and I’d like to welcome you all to the Ignatius Selbaz Estate Sale, conducted by Hood and Associates International. As you can probably tell by the sign out front, we aren’t supposed to begin the event until 9 a.m., but you all seem so enthusiastic I figured, ‘What the heck?’ So please, come in, browse around, and if you have any questions about pricing, I’ll be glad to answer them.”

A gold-leafed luxury piano was the centerpiece of the entryway, and its price tag was $3.6 million.

“Oh, my word,” marveled one shopper, “this is absolutely exquisite. Knowing Ignatius’ taste – I met him several years ago at a gala – I’m surprised he’s parting with it. I’m Mr. Willem Danforth, by the way … you probably already knew that.”

“Of course, Mr. Danforth. Mr. Selbaz feels that now is the time for him to lighten his load and he doesn’t even know how to play the piano,” Will said with a chuckle. “Are you interested in buying, sir?”

“I’m interested, but frankly, $3.6 million is a bit too unreasonable for that piece. After all, I already have a Bösendorfer and Schimmel.”

Will took out his phone.

“Let me make a quick call, Mr. Danforth … please bear with me.”

He turned away, talking rapidly (though in a whisper), then turned back to the potential customer.

“I just spoke to Mr. Selbaz and he said for you – and you only – the price is $2 million.”

“Sold!” Danforth exclaimed, the exuberance in his voice causing other buyers to look in his direction. “This will be a perfect piece for my trophy room!”

As the day wore on, Will became quite popular among those gathered. While none of them would be caught dead using the word “discount,” the fact that he was willing to negotiate on pricing proved that even the very rich are on the lookout for a bargain.

Throughout the remainder of the sale paintings that were listed at $500,000 were slashed to $250,000, and everything from gold to jewelry was marked down.

By 6 p.m. the house was completely cleared, and Hood and Associates International had secured a grand total of $51.3 million (including the $38 million price tag of the house itself).

Will stepped outside and loosened his tie. He made another call, and there was no need to whisper this time.

“Hey, it’s me. Oh yeah … we did really, really well. That money is gonna feed, clothe and house a whole lotta people. Have you heard from Marian, John and Tuck yet? Oh, I have no doubt they crushed it. I guess once we get the final tally we can go ahead and put Selbaz and the others on the island with the rest of the people we robbed.

“Anyway, there’s this Danforth guy we should probably put on the list … I’ll send you his info and we can discuss it once I get to Nottingham. Talk to you soon, Robin.”

Losing patience

Things are different once you get old.

Everything hurts a little, and some things tend to hurt a lot. I consider myself in pretty good shape, but Father Time is gonna make sure I grind a gear now and then.

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Bluesky @scottadamson1960.bsky.social

For example, if I say “I just smoked a joint,” what I mean is I tweaked my knee when I tried to stand up.

“What happened Scott? Why are you cursing and screaming?”

“Don’t mind me … I smoked a joint. Now I’m gonna try to claw my way back onto the futon. Just make sure the fire department and hospice are on standby.”

Aging also means that younger people, although well-meaning, can be patronizing. I get called darlinand honey a lot when I’m at restaurants. Not by other customers – that would be weird – but by the female waitstaff.

“Would you like another cup of coffee, darlin’?”

“Honey, are you sure you don’t want a dollop of butter with that baked potato?”

It doesn’t really bother me, I just don’t feel like a darlin’ or honey. I’m more of a Mean Motor Scooter.

First time a server tops off my water and calls me a Mean Motor Scooter, that standard tip is gonna get upgraded by at least a quarter.

And in a cruel twist, I no longer get carded when buying alcohol. I used to take it as a compliment when I’d get asked for my ID … it meant they thought I looked young. Now either nothing is said as the bottle is bagged or I hear things like, “What was it like before they invented liquor?”

And of course, doctor visits increase with age, which leads me to today’s column.

As I said, I’m fortunate in that I’m relatively healthy, but once you start carrying around a Medicare card it’s important to get various components of your engine checked frequently.

And trips to the doctor – whether it’s the general practitioner, urologist, dermatologist or witch – means hanging with the hoi polloi in waiting rooms.

This is not my favorite activity.

As my trips around the sun keep adding up, my patience tends to wear thin with inconsiderate humanoids.

Recently, I went in for my annual physical. The appointment was at 9 a.m. but I was checked in by 8:15; sometimes if I get there early, I’m taken back early.

This was a bad idea.

Two seats down a patient was playing a game on his phone, and he was sure that the rest of us wanted to hear it.

I don’t know what the game was, but the sound effects can be best described as bean farts followed by a high-pitched voice shouting “WOW!” a lot.

Fortunately for our game player, he was called back before I could assault him.

Then there was Dwayne. I know his name is Dwayne because he was on speakerphone with his wife.

Her name’s Tess.

“Did you make it there OK, Dwayne?

“Sure did, Tess. Had to park on the sixth level. Then I took the elevator down to the second level where they have the skywalk. Then I had to walk what seemed like a mile to get to another elevator so I could go up to four. I had to stop and pee first, though.”

“You want fish?”

“What?”

“You want fish for supper?”

“What kind of fish?”

“The kind of fish you eat.”

“I reckon.”

“You want bacon?”

“No, I said I RECKON.”

“Oh, I thought you said bacon.”

“Look, I’m gonna go … there’s a fellow coming at me with an aluminum bat.”

That last part didn’t happen but only because I left the bat in my car.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the people who don’t know how to carry on quiet conversations about sensitive topics.

I think I speak for everyone in the waiting room when I say we have no interest in your visit to the proctologist. The only times I want to hear the words “rectum” and anus” are in a limerick.

I used to be able to ignore such things, but then again, I didn’t spend as much time in waiting rooms back in the day when I was a whipper-snapper.

So, going forward, I need to figure out some way to deal with this. I have earbuds, but I’m afraid if I use them, I’ll miss hearing my name called.

I also have a shovel, but if I bring it with me and start bashing folks in the side of the face, the police might get involved.

Actually, I should try to be a better person. Even those who say “anus” and “rectum” aloud are fighting battles I know nothing about.

Perhaps if I took the time to listen to these folks, who knows?

Maybe I’d become friends with them.

Not Dwayne, though. His house probably smells like fish.

Writing sports was fun, but now I’m done

Early last week, the Canadian Football League sent out a news release concerning its ridiculous playoff format for 2027.

Eight of nine teams qualify for the postseason?

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Bluesky @scottadamson1960.bsky.social

Top two seeds in each division guaranteed two games?

You’re kidding me, right?

Just a few months ago, I’d have hammered out a thousand words on the subject and misspelled the CFL commissioner’s name at least once (it’s Stewart Johnston, not Stewart Johnson). My missive would’ve been posted within hours of the news.

Instead, what I just wrote is all I’ll write about it.

Why?

Because truthfully, I no longer have anything interesting to say about sports.

After 333 alternative football pieces, 152 history stories, 85 soccer reports, 72 basketball articles and hundreds of other columns ranging from OmegaBall to the Premier Lacrosse League, the clock has hit double zeroes. Whether or not I was in the victory formation when the game ended is for other people to decide.

When I started adamsonmedia.com, I had just wrapped up a 30-year career as a newspaper sports editor/writer. Since I was no longer getting paid to pontificate, I figured my site was a place where I’d write what I wanted when I wanted.

It’s great fun.

Originally, I wanted to concentrate mostly on soccer, my favorite sport, but soon discovered that there were approximately 857,634 soccer bloggers. I was not needed in that area and quickly called an audible.

Thus, I shifted most of my focus to alternative football, and that was a hoot for several years. However, my interest in tackle football in general has waned considerably over the last couple of years, and I don’t even watch minor league spring football anymore. I’m glad it exists, but I’ll leave it for others to cuss and discuss.

Of course there was always sports history, and I love research. That became my favorite brand of sports writing by far, and I spent hours going down rabbit holes in search of quirky tales that were long forgotten. It was fascinating.

Then, I finally ran out of material – at least material that interested me. I mean, I milked all I could from the World Football League and World Hockey Association. As weird as it sounds, I know as much about the WFL and WHA as I care to.

It’s crazy … I never imagined there’d come a time when I lost interest in sportswriting, but that time is here – and I’m absolutely fine with it. I’m content to be a casual fan.

*  That said, I won’t completely rule out ever writing sports again. If, say, the NFL folded or FIFA passed a rule banning players from using their feet in association football, I’d be compelled weigh in.

My new writing passion is flash fiction.

To date, I’ve done 111 short stories for adamsonmedia.com, and that will be my primary focus going forward. I love creating characters and, once I do, watching them evolve as they come to life in my head and on my computer screen. Fiction was something I always wanted to write, but it scared me because it takes me out of my comfort zone.

It’s still scary but man, it brings me the most joy I’ve ever had as a writer.

I’ve even written a young adult novel titled Red Mountain Phantoms. It still hasn’t been published – that’ll probably be something I have to do on my own dime – but I’m proud of it. Authoring a non-fiction book (The Home Team: My Bromance With Off-Brand Football) was great, but the YA project is even more rewarding.

I might even do some humor columns from time to time. There are 98 currently posted, and it’d be a shame if I didn’t hit 100 sooner or later.

And – in a strange plot twist – I’ve become obsessed with painting. I’m trying my hand at everything from landscapes to abstracts, and it’s addictive.

I’ve done more than 50 on stretched canvasses, ranging from “Eh, I guess that’s not too bad” to “Scott spilled a bunch of paint.”

None are or will ever be museum-worthy, yet I rarely go a day without at least playing around in my makeshift studio.

So, for my next act, I’m going to concentrate on writing about the world of make believe and believing in a world where I’m also a painter.

Wish me luck …