Category: Funny Business

Yapping, snapping – some, even napping – Chihuahuas had taken over the Eastern New Mexico Fairgrounds in Roswell on a mild Halloween afternoon.

While much of the world was spending the day preparing treats and plotting tricks for children masquerading as ghosts and goblins, the organizers of WaWa Fest ’23 had rolled out the figurative welcome mat for thousands of small dogs.

Planning for the event had begun a year earlier with the launch of an advertising blitz seeking Chis of all shapes and sizes.

They were recruited to be part of what was being hailed as a “once in a lifetime event.”

Chihuahua owners were urged to send the company – WaWa Incorporated – pictures of their dogs, as well as documentation of their American Kennel Club or International Canine Club registration and immunization records. If selected, they would receive an all-expenses paid trip for two people (and unlimited number of Chihuahuas) to the gathering.

And what was the purpose, exactly?

Well, that was a question that remained largely unanswered.

Queries were met with the same standard reply: “It’ll be the greatest moment in Chihuahua history. Saying more would just spoil the surprise!”

By the looks of the fairgrounds – which had hosted the annual state fair just a few weeks earlier – multitudes of people didn’t mind taking the leap of faith.

Chief among them was Brenda Michaels, a short redhead with magenta lipstick and a woman whose tanning bed visits had covered many hours over many years.

As she walked to the registration table, she proudly presented Sparkles, a tan and black, long-haired Chi with a pink ribbon around her neck and decorative “alien” antennas.

“We’re in Roswell,” Brenda said. “And it’s Halloween. Figured I’d dress my little girl for the occasion. Plus, she’s the star!”

Festivities were set to begin shortly and take place on a portable stage that sat in front of a replica of the flying saucer that supposedly landed in Roswell in 1947.

While that infamous vessel allegedly carried alien beings from another world, this “UFO” – a dull silver in color – looked more like an oversized prop from a B-movie.

Whatever it was, Brenda and Sparkles would get to see it up close; they were the special guests of WaWa Fest ’23.

After registering, Brenda was greeted by a young man with a walkie-talkie in one hand and clipboard in another, dressed in military fatigues.

“You must be Ms. Michaels,” he said. “And I suspect that’s the Chi of the hour, Sparkles.”

Brenda gave Sparkles a smooch on top of the head.

“Yes sir, this is my little angel,” she said. “And she’s excited to be here … aren’t you my precious! Aren’t you! What a sweet, sweet baby you are!”

Sparkles was tucked safely in Brenda’s arms, and when the canine looked around at all the other dogs and people, she was alert but not agitated. The man gave Sparkles a gentle pat.

“I’m Captain Jonathan Terra and I’ll be handling things for our program this afternoon,” he said. “If you and Sparkles don’t mind, just follow me to the stage and I’ll get you both set up.”

Brenda imagined Sparkles would be presented with an award for being the world’s cutest Chihuahua, or perhaps the smartest. The breed is known for intelligence and ability to learn quickly, and Brenda was sure her little darling was second to none on both counts.

“Captain Terra?” Brenda asked as they made their way up the steps to the stage, “Now that this is about to start, could you just give me a hint about what this is all about?”

Terra pointed to the chair designated for Brenda – as well as a small, plush dog bed situated behind a microphone and portable speaker.

“It’ll be the greatest moment in Chihuahua history,” he said, echoing the party line WaWa Incorporated had stuck to from the outset. “Saying more would just spoil the surprise!”

Brenda grinned, shrugged, and carefully placed Sparkles in the bed before taking her seat.

In just a couple of minutes all the attendees and their Chihuahuas had gathered in front of the stage.

“Good afternoon,” said Terra, standing behind Brenda and Sparkles and holding a wireless microphone. “First of all, thank you all for coming and thank you for being such good sports. I know many of you have traveled thousands of miles without really knowing what’s on the agenda today, and we appreciate you playing along with us. That said, Sparkles has a special announcement to make.”

The crowd roared with laughter as Terra adjusted the mic in front of the dog and proceeded to punch in a code on the speaker.

Sparkles began chirping, but the voice coming out of the speaker was synthesized and translated from dog sounds to the English language.

“Greetings,” said the dog, giving rise to even more chortling from the audience. “Ever since a spacecraft carrying a select crew of our colonists arrived in the Yucatán Peninsula during the Mesoamerican Classic Period, we have lived among you and evolved in order to adapt to Earth’s environment. We have become your companions, and, for the most part, we have found great joy on your planet. However, it has been our goal – nay, our mission – to return to our home world. Until now, this has not been possible.

“However, benevolent veterinarians and zoologists have been secretly working with us for decades in an effort to alter our physiology and allow us to safely return to space. Due to various vaccines and diets, thousands of us are now travel-ready. In addition, technology obtained from Area 51 has enabled us to contact a vanguard that has finally arrived to guide us home.”

The laughter had died down and been replaced by looks of bewilderment. Those looks turned to shock as the UFO behind the stage began to hum and glow, and a multitude of smaller aircraft appeared to drop from the sky and hover over the crowd.

“All of the Chis here today will be making the deep space trek back to Planet Chewy, and all of their humans are welcome to come along. Domes have been constructed that replicate an atmosphere much like that found on Earth, and that is where you’ll live. A word of warning: you probably won’t like the food, because to human tastebuds, it’s dry and gritty. And we will no longer tolerate being put in clothes – especially those little ballerina outfits – but we love you and welcome you, and will provide such clothes for you if that’s how you choose to dress. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of thousands more Chihuahuas who are not up to date on their shots and will be unable to travel. Others have simply chosen to stay here because they have come to enjoy harassing cats and barking at squirrels.

“We will now begin the boarding process, and all humans wishing to travel with us should raise your hands and you’ll be assigned to a craft and given boarding instructions.”

Brenda’s choice was easy. She picked up Sparkles, gave her a tight squeeze, and the pair slowly made their way up the ramp to the mother ship. Just before entering, though, Sparkles released a piercing bark, which was the sign to be put down.

The Chihuahua then raced back to the microphone.

“One last thing for those of you humans choosing to stay behind,” Sparkles said. “Beware of dachshunds. They are a villainous lot, and cannot be trusted.”