Keeping New Year’s resolutions? It’s easy

We’re now five days into a new year, so how are your resolutions going?

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

I’m guessing by this point some of you have already backed off your big plans to better yourself, and that’s not uncommon.

Too many times we make resolutions we simply can’t keep.

“Oh,” you say, “I’m going to quit stealing Jenna’s tuna salad from the break room fridge,” or “this is the year I stop cooking meth in my car.”

That’s crazy talk.

Instead, you should set attainable goals.

That’s what I do every Dec. 31, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I was unable to keep every single one of them.

The key is to sit down, make a list – a realistic one – and stick to it.

And to help you do just that, I’m going to share my 10 resolutions for 2018. And if you decide to adopt any and all of them for yourself, well, I’ll be flattered.

 

I will not ask anyone if they are “ready for Christmas”

This is a resolution you do not have to concern yourself with until the final two months of the year. Still, why does anyone ask this ridiculous question?

What would happen if we weren’t ready for Christmas? Would Christmas not come?

Of course not.

Christmas will be here every Dec. 25, ready or not. And I will not ask you if you are ready for it because it doesn’t matter and I don’t care.

Now Stephen Foster Memorial Day on Jan. 13 is another story.

There’s really never enough time to prepare for that.

 

I will not invade Iceland

This is far and away the easiest resolution to keep. Iceland is a long way from where I live and, to the best of my knowledge, no one in Iceland has ever offended me in any way.

Plus, I’m not a weapons guy. I have a Louisville Slugger baseball bat in the closet somewhere and a big wooden spoon, but nothing that would allow me to successfully subdue an entire people.

So, Iceland is safe from me.

Finland, however, might need to be on alert in 2019.

 

I will not watch an episode of “American Idol”

Never have, never will.

Karaoke is for drunks who feel the need to sing at dive bars. I did this once and the song I chose was a censored version of “Murder Was The Case” by Snoop Dogg.

Still haven’t quite lived that one down.

Anyway, “American Idol” is just televised karaoke, so I’ll take a hard pass.

 

I will not wear a tank top

Since I do not live in a  mobile home with a Confederate battle flag flying high above it; plan to star in a remake of the 1980 film “Cruising”; or play intercollegiate or professional basketball, there is no need for me to wear a tank top.

The danger of such an occurrence is nil.

 

I will not take in a poison dart frog as a pet

Sure they’re cute and colorful, but what the hell am I going to do with a poison dart frog? They’re only one-half to 2 inches long yet contain enough poison to kill 10 grown men.

Besides, I can’t think of 10 grown men I want killed at the moment. OK, maybe I can, but that’s a dark place I’ll steer clear of (to the best of your knowledge).

 

I will not watch any movie by Joel Schumacher with a comic book theme

To date he has done only one, the unholy abomination that was “Batman and Robin.”

I doubt he has plans to do another but if he changes his mind, I have a Louisville Slugger and wooden spoon at the ready.

 

I will not skydive

Jumping out of a plane?

You gotta be out of your freakin’ mind.

 

I will not order tater tots at Krispy Kreme

Only because they don’t sell ‘em.

 

I will not hunt or fish

I’m a vegetarian, but I’m not militant about it. I get that people like meat, and human beings have teeth designed to tear into meat.

Yet even when I was a flesh-eater, I never had any desire to go off in the woods and kill something.

I have fished, but never enjoyed it. Frankly, I don’t think the fish did, either.

 

I will not eat feta cheese

Why won’t I eat feta cheese?

I don’t know … why won’t you eat a raw goat scrotum?

Feta cheese is basically barf in crumble form. Not only do I not want it in my food, I don’t want in in my neighborhood.

Put another way, I’d rather eat potluck from a dumpster that this odious vermin vomit.

Anyway, I hope this helps as you navigate the rough waters of 2018 resolutions. And always remember … if you expect nothing from yourself, you’ll rarely be disappointed.

 

The UCF Knights accomplished what no other FBS team did

On Monday night, Atlanta will be the center of the college football world and the only teams being talked about will be Alabama and Georgia.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

The Crimson Tide (12-1) and Bulldogs (13-1) will meet in the College Football Playoff National Championship, and the one who walks off the turf at Mercedes-Benz Stadium will be covered in confetti and holding the big trophy.

They will be the consensus No. 1, and hailed as such.

Yet there will be a certain satisfaction in being a member of the Central Florida University football team.

Because while the official national champs will have one blemish on their record, UCF players will have been on the only team that has none.

The Knights beat all comers, and with a 13-0 record they are the lone unbeaten in the Football Bowl Subdivision.

Their perfect season was capped off with a Peach Bowl victory over Auburn – the team that beat both Georgia and Alabama in the regular season.

Ironically, the conquest came at the same stadium that will crown a champion on Jan. 8.

Yet, UCF was not part of the CFP, ranked No. 12 entering the bowls. And even if the field had been expanded from four teams to eight, trust me – they still would not have been part of the CFP.

Oh, they got invited to the party in the form of a New Year’s Six bowl game, but they were never going to be allowed to participate in the celebration.

When it comes to playoffs, it’s a Power 5 world … and Group of 5 teams don’t even get to live in it.

“I guess to the (CFP Selection) Committee, it’s just what more can we do?” asked Knights linebacker Shaquem Griffin. “We won all of them, and I just feel that we should have had an opportunity to show our talents to any and every team that wants to go against us. There’s no more teams left for us to beat.”

Indeed.

There’s no way of knowing how Central Florida would’ve fared in the playoff, but it would’ve been nice to know, wouldn’t it?

But that was never part of the plan.

Allowing the top Group of 5 team to make a “big” bowl game is really rather cynical, when you think about it.

By throwing them that particular bone, it’s the FBS’s way of saying, “You really don’t belong, but we’ll pretend like you do.”

“Going through the season, I was afraid to say much about the rankings and everything because I’m a little superstitious,” said UCF’s outgoing boss Scott Frost, who is now officially on the job as the head coach at his alma mater, Nebraska.  “And just when a coach starts running his mouth, that’s when you lose the next game. But it wasn’t right. I was watching every week, the Committee sitting in a room and decide this two-loss team must be better than UCF because UCF is in the American (Athletic Conference). Or this three-loss team must be better than UCF.”

The argument, of course, is strength of schedule. Conventional wisdom suggests the SEC, ACC, Big 12, etc., play a tougher slate that any team in the AAC.

OK.

But UCF’s schedule was anything but a breeze.

Both Memphis and South Florida were quality league foes, and they had to beat the Tigers twice.

The Knights played Maryland of the mighty Big Ten and whipped them by four touchdowns. The Terps were 4-8, but it was still a G5 over a P5.

And there was that whole Auburn thing, a 34-27 decision over the No. 7 team in the CFP.

It was a matchup won by the better team.

“It looked like a conscious effort to me to make sure that they didn’t have a problem if they put us too high and a couple teams ahead of us lost,” Frost said of the Selection Committee’s rankings. “And oh, no, now we have to put them in a playoff. But we just beat a team that beat two playoff teams and lost to another one (Clemson) by six points and we beat them by seven.
“And Auburn is a great team. I’m not taking anything away from them. I give them a ton of credit. But these guys deserve everything they get, and they deserve more credit from the Committee than what they got.”

Again, an eight-team playoff wouldn’t have solved the problem because the field would be populated by five Power 5 champions and three Power 5 wildcards.

And an expansion to 16 teams probably won’t happen.

So we have what we have – and what we have are people in a room selecting playoff participants based on plenty of subjective criteria.

As I’ve said over and over again, this is not so much a playoff as it is an invitational.

And a great team like UCF was never going to get invited, despite the fact they did what no other team could this season.

And that’s a shame.

“Like Coach already told us, only thing we can keep doing is winning games,” Griffin said. “And I don’t think we have any more games left to win.”

Bowl games: You can love ’em, hate ’em or ignore ’em

And now, at last, things get serious.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

New Year’s Day has arrived, which means college football fans get to find out which two teams will play for the national championship next week in Atlanta.

But before No. 2 Oklahoma faces No. 3 Georgia in the Rose Bowl at 5 p.m. and No. 1 Clemson tangles with No. 4 Alabama in the Sugar Bowl around 9ish, there are three other bowl games to start your day.

Michigan and South Carolina kick things off in the Outback Bowl at noon; Auburn and Central Florida play 30 minutes later in the Peach Bowl; and the last game of the College Football Playoff undercard is Notre Dame vs. LSU in the Citrus Bowl at 1 p.m.

So, do I plan to park my carcass on the futon and watch football for 13 consecutive hours today?

Nope.

I’m a New York Rangers fan, and they play Buffalo in the NHL Winter Classic today at 1 p.m. I’ll be cheering on the Blueshirts for three hours before joining the ESPN crew in Pasadena because hockey is glorious and outdoor hockey is gloriouser.*

* Not a real word but I’m using it anyway.

Yet if you think – after that admission – that I’m here to bash the bowls, the number of bowls, or the bowl system itself, I’m really not.

Counting the College Football Playoff National Championship, which is set for Jan. 8 at Mercedez-Benz Stadium, there are a staggering 40 bowls involving Football Bowl Subdivision teams.

And every year, there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth from traditionalists who think there are too many of them.

A bunch of my friends have spent the last few days debating how bowl games have evolved, and it’s been interesting to hear the wildly varying viewpoints.

As for me, I get the nostalgia for years of NCAA football past. I grew up when college football was still a game – at least as far as we knew.

It was fun back in the day to watch Woody Hayes make an ass of himself when Ohio State played a John McKay-coached Southern Cal squad in the Rose Bowl. Seeing Paul Bryant lead Alabama into action in the Sugar Bowl and Bob Devaney (and then Tom Osborne) guide the fortunes of Nebraska in the Orange Bowl was also cool, and once in a while you might even accidentally get a game that would determine the mythical national championship.

There weren’t nearly as many bowls, so most of them seemed “special” – even though bowls such as the Gator and Liberty never were.

But those days are over and they ain’t coming back.

That being the case, these days I watch a few, miss a bunch, and sometimes I merely stumble upon a game that piques my interest.

Up until last Friday’s Belk Bowl (a wild 55-52 Wake Forest win over Texas A&M that was loads of fun), the only bowl game I had seen was the Bahamas Bowl – and I only watched three quarters of that.

Had my alma mater, UAB, not been playing I wouldn’t even have known or cared it was taking place.

But I’m sure Ohio fans enjoyed their team’s 41-6 beatdown of the Blazers, and regardless of the outcome the teams (and those who traveled to the game) got a trip to the Bahamas.

That doesn’t suck.

But much less exotic locales (I’m looking at you, Shreveport) still hold games involving schools that have fans, and fans of those schools shouldn’t be shamed for watching their team play an extra game during the holidays.

Look, I’ve already made pretty clear I’m more interested in expanded playoffs than bowls.

There are 10 FBS conferences so it seems that a 16-team playoff with 10 conference champions and six wildcard teams would be damn near perfect.

I’d even put an existing bowl in play as the site of the title tilt, joining the pair of semifinal bowls used in the current 4-team format.

Still, even with playoffs there will likely always still be bowls, and that’s absolutely fine.

Is it ridiculous for 6-6 teams (and sometimes 5-7 teams) to earn bowl bids?

Not if the team you pull for is 6-6 or 5-7. And if your favorite sons get invited to the Carl’s Catheters Yellow Snow Bowl in Anchorage, Alaska, you should watch with no apologies.

Hell, I wouldn’t even mind a postseason matchup featuring two 0-12 teams. You could call it the Redemption Bowl and the winner would end the season on a positive note.

Of course that means the losers would be subject to great ridicule, which would not be a positive part of the college experience.

It might be hard to get that particular bowl certified.

At any rate, I spent my last 10 years in the newspaper business covering Georgia and Clemson, so I have a particular interest in their games tonight. But even if I hadn’t, these are still the CFP semifinals, and I want to see what happens in both of them.

And next Monday, I’ll be glued to screen as the last two teams standing go toe-to-toe in Atlanta.

The bottom line is there are those who are going to watch as many bowls as possible, some who will ignore them all and some – like me – who pick and choose.

So, just enjoy the games.

Or don’t.