Author: Scott Adamson

Nothing says ‘Valentine’s Day’ like crime TV and pizza

It’s Valentine’s Day, and for many of you lovebirds it means flowers, chocolates and a romantic dinner, all framed by a soundtrack featuring Barry White, Harry Connick Jr. and Michael Buble.

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

What does it mean for me and my darling person?

We’ve recorded a bunch of “Your Worst Nightmare” episodes on Investigation Discovery, as well as of ID’s newest series, “Bride Killa.”

We’ll watch those, eat a whole pizza and then call it a night.

What … you don’t think that’s romantic?

Maybe not in the traditional sense. But then again, we’re married and we aren’t exactly “traditional” people.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve done the whole Valentine’s Day shtick before.

In fourth grade I saved up all my pennies, nickels and quarters to buy my girlfriend a big, heart-shaped box of chocolates.

And this was a Whitman’s Sampler, too, not one of those knock-off brands full of cheap-ass chocolate filled with that weird jelly.

I can’t remember her name – or even what became of her – but I do know she had polished off the entire box by lunch period.

You’re welcome, fourth grade girlfriend, whoever you are and wherever you are.

Once in high school, of course, the stakes get much higher.

Maybe you’d actually have flowers sent to the school.

This was a truly “romantic” gesture, of course, but hardly cost-effective. The markup on flowers is about 500 percent on Valentine’s Day.

But if you go that route, just stick to red roses. I had a dozen yellow roses sent to my junior year girlfriend because I thought it was unique, not realizing yellow roses mean “friendship” and not “love.”

Turns out in my case that was not a correctable error.

And then when you become an adult, you can end up spending a fortune on Valentine’s Day.

There are roses AND chocolates AND a candlelight dinner at an intimate restaurant such as Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral.*

* Golden Corral makes you bring your own candle but it’s the best buffet in the USA, so it’s worth it.

Still, you play along with the holiday for as long as you have to, and then you finally (hopefully) get comfortable ignoring it.

And really, Saint Valentine’s Day was never meant to be about commerce.

It originated as a Western Christian Feast Day honoring a 3rd century Roman saint who was martyred, conveniently enough, on St. Valentine’s Day in 269.

I assume flowers were sent to his funeral, but I doubt Whitman’s Samplers were available back then.

Plus, sending chocolates would’ve been messed up.

You can thank Geoffrey Chaucer for making the day all about romance. In his 1382 poem, “Parliement of Foules” he wrote:

“For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.”

What stands out to me more than anything is that the dude could not spell. If you took a red ink marker to make corrections on his work, it’d look like the St. Valentine’s Day massacre.

However, if you decipher it, what Geoff is trying to say is that on Valentine’s Day, there will be birds making cheese.

I’m not sure what this has to do with flowers or candy, but this is what Mr. Wikipedia says and I am in no position to argue.

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with a traditional Valentine’s Day celebration.

A delicious dinner, a bottle of wine and then some intimate alone time (remember the safe word is “Gryffindor”) is a wonderful way to spend Cupid’s biggest sales day.
But my wife and I love each other and have fun any time we’re together so, at the risk of sounding cheesy, every day is Valentine’s Day for us.

And that being the case, we’ll just stick with the ID channel and a three-cheese pizza tonight.

Unless we decide to be spontaneous and head out to the Golden Corral. Nothing puts you in the mood like the endless chocolate fountain.

The Winter Games leave me mostly cold

Now that I no longer work at a newspaper, that means I no longer have to tiptoe around topics that might offend publishers, advertisers and editors.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

I can write what I think without caring what anyone thinks of what I write.

And that being the case, today I’d like to admit that – for the most part – I couldn’t care less about the Winter Olympics. Unlike the Summer Games, where I’ll watch almost anything contested during the quadrennial gathering, much of the cold weather competition just doesn’t interest me.

Oh, I’ll watch hockey because I’m a hockey fan, and the bobsled event is fascinating because … well, I don’t know. It just is.

Barring those events, however, I’d just as soon leave it all alone.

Obviously, I hope my fellow countrywomen and countrymen do well and appreciate all the hard work they’ve put in. It’s just that their sacrifices don’t inspire me to actually sit down and witness the labor of their love.

The PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games begin today. On Thursday, NBC will showcase figure skating starting at 8 p.m. – opposite the Duke vs. North Carolina basketball game.

Guess what I’ll be watching?

That being said, I’m not one of those sanctimonious types who think if I’m not interested in a sport you shouldn’t be, either, or that it isn’t worth following.

If you enjoy it then it’s worthwhile, no matter what sport it is. I think it’s great if you like things such as Nordic Combined, Skeleton and curling.

But I didn’t even know what Nordic Combined was until I looked it up.

At first glance the phrase led me to believe it might be a service I’d have to pay extra for if I was visiting a house of ill repute in Finland.

That’s not the case, though.

Nordic Combined is actually ski jumping and cross country skiing. To be good at it takes great skill. Hell, to be bad at it takes great skill.

But you know what else takes great skill?

Removing an appendix.

If you went to the emergency room with a ruptured appendix that required removal, I would be quite impressed with the doctor doing the surgery.

However, I wouldn’t want to see it.

And I don’t care to see Nordic Combined, either. Unlike an appendectomy I’m not repulsed by it or anything, it’s just not on my list of things to observe.

Same goes for Skeleton, which was also something I was completely unfamiliar with until I looked for it on the interwebs.

Skeleton “…requires individuals to ride a small sled down a frozen track while lying face down and forward facing.”

I used to do something similar to that when I was young and there was a rare snow. Of course I just called it “sledding.” Really though, since I led with my face, it should’ve probably been called, “dumbass sledding.”

But Skeleton sounds better than Dumbass Sledding (unless you’re competing in the Jackass Olympiad).

And of course, there’s curling.

I once poked fun at curling in a column, only to be schooled by a reader on what the sport entails.

So to prevent offending the curling community again, let me say I have nothing but respect for the women and men who put polished granite stones on ice and slide them toward a target while other women and men use brooms to frantically sweep in front of the polished granite stones.

But as is the case with Nordic Combined and Skeleton, it just doesn’t excite me and there’s no use pretending that it does.

Much of the airtime from the Winter Games will be devoted to ski jumping, figure skating and speed skating, things I have never done and never will do.

For millions of people, however, each of those activities are mesmerizing.

Yet the first event I plan to watch is on Feb. 14 when the United States men take on Slovenia in a Group B hockey showdown. There are no NHL players participating this time out, but hey – Miracle On Ice.

Then on Feb. 20, the women’s and men’s bobsled teams will begin competition, so I’ll check out a bit of that as well.

Beyond that, I’ll leave it to the rest of you guys to drink deep of the thrills and pageantry that comes with skiing, sledding, skating and sweeping ice.

And to all of the competitors representing the United States in those other pursuits, please know that I’ll be rooting for you.

I just won’t be watching you.

Alternative pro soccer league? It’s worth a shot

All who know me understand that when I hear the phrase “alternative league,” my spider senses start to tingle.

Scott Adamson writes about soccer because he enjoys writing about soccer. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

My sports memories date back to being a young kid who was a much bigger fan of the American Football League than the National Football League. As painful as it is, I still cheer for the New York Jets.

My favorite basketball team?

I gave me heart to the New York Nets of the American Basketball Association.

Hockey?

I was a proud supporter of the World Hockey Association’s Birmingham Bulls.

And even though the New York Cosmos of the North American Soccer League were the primary object of my association football affections, I also tried to keep track of the American Soccer League.

Sure, the ASL was much older than the NASL so you can’t really assign it “alternative status,” but once the league that featured the likes of Pele, George Best, Johan Cruyff and Rodney Marsh became a sensation for a few remarkable years, the ASL was an afterthought.

Not to me, though. While teams came and went at a sometimes alarming pace, I did my best to follow such lost-to-history franchises as the New York Eagles, Carolina Lightnin’ and Los Angeles Skyhawks.

(Fun fact: Basketball legend Bob Cousy was ASL commissioner from 1974 to 1979).

So naturally, when Jacksonville Armada owner Robert Palmer dangled the carrot of an “unsanctioned professional league,” well, that got me really, really interested.

The Armada, of course, are part of the modern NASL, which is on life support since the United States Soccer Federation refused to grant it second division status for 2018. The league is hoping for relief from the courts, but failing that, the NASL might never host another competitive match.

In the interim, Jacksonville will compete in the National Premier Soccer League, a fourth-tier circuit that bills itself as a “national league with regional focus.”

And while Palmer released a statement assuring fans that his club is “engaged in discussions with other start-up leagues that intend to seek sanctioning from the United States Soccer Federation,” this was the part that caught my eye:

“For the future security of the Armada, I have put together a task force comprised of the brightest minds across my companies and soccer experts. This task force is exploring the possibility of funding and operating an unsanctioned professional league. It would be an option if the other leagues are not able to successfully navigate the political landscape of the USSF.”

Translation: In the current landscape of the USSF, it’s Major League Soccer’s world and only the United Soccer League (and its amateur Premier Development League) truly get to breathe the same air.

I had really hoped that the new NASL would survive and thrive and eventually provide MLS with some competition, because competition is healthy. That, however, now seems unlikely.

But let’s be extremely optimistic for a moment – or at least indulge me as I immerse myself in a soccer fantasy world.

What if Palmer’s task force comes up with the audacious idea of building a top-tier league from the ground up? And what if that American soccer alternative featured a promotion/relegation system? And what if the future USSF leaders decided it was ultimately worthy of sanction?

I’d get behind such a league in a heartbeat.

I’m already smitten with the fledgling third division National Independent Soccer Association, which will be built around pro/rel. It features fan ownership, has a forward-thinking business model, and checks all the boxes when it comes to how play-for-pay soccer leagues can grow and thrive.

Imagine that model applied to a “major league” that isn’t afraid to be part of a system that has helped make soccer the world’s most popular sport.

Let’s face it … MLS is a closed system and will almost certainly always be a closed system. Once an ownership group buys a franchise they know that win, lose or draw, that franchise will always be part of the first division.

(When Forbes looked at the value of MLS clubs in 2016, it determined they are worth $185 million on average).

In the current environment, about the best pro/rel proponents can hope for is a pyramid with a second division ceiling.

USL president Jake Edwards told the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News last month that his league, which will feature USL D3 starting in 2019, is taking a hard look at the model.

“I think it would be very interesting to look at pro/rel between those two divisions,” Edwards told the paper. “We certainly could do it now and I think there’s an interest to do it among our board.

“We are going to experiment with precursors, such as maybe some sort of inter-league competition, an inter-league cup. We’re going to look at options like that to see if that works.”

Maybe that’s what America’s current soccer overlords see as a compromise. They can say, “See, we have promotion/relegation!” even though it stops short of its ultimate purpose.

If I could work my will with a “renegade” league, it would start in August, end in May, crown a champion based on best record through 38 matches, send teams up, and send teams down.

The 24 flagship clubs (aside from Jacksonville, of course) would be in hotbed soccer markets large and small as well as cities that, to date, have been snubbed by MLS. San Francisco, Cincinnati, St. Louis, San Antonio, Charlotte, Detroit, and Phoenix come to mind immediately.

It would all be part of a real pyramid that includes some of the great lower division leagues already in existence, and built on the same foundation that has been the tried and true soccer blueprint used – with great success – across the world.

And every single club in that pyramid could dream of moving up.

Did I read too much into Palmer’s “funding and operating an unsanctioned professional league” remark?

Perhaps.

Are there too many obstacles to clear?

Probably. If you don’t get USSF sanctioning, you don’t get access to current and future United States Men’s National Team players or the governing body’s resources. Plus, I just don’t know if there are enough people (with enough cash and patience) willing to step into the ring and fight for the soul of U.S. soccer.

But I could be wrong. And if such a league is ever formed, I’ll be solidly in its corner.