The Dating Game

Henry’s crush on Martha had been building for weeks, but he just couldn’t quite work up the courage to talk to her. He’d see her in the hallways and cafeteria almost every weekday, but instead of starting a conversation with her, the best he could do was give her a smile and half-hearted wave.

Henry’s best friend, Roderick, was getting tired of his buddy’s hesitation – especially since Martha was all Henry ever seemed to talk about these days.

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“Go on, Henry … you can’t wait forever. Just go over there and strike up a conversation with her,” Roderick said while the two picked at their lunch. “She’s all by herself right now … ain’t like you’d be interrupting anything or anybody. I bet she’d love the company. I bet she’d love your company.”

Henry disagreed.

“I wouldn’t know what to say. Any time I get near her I get nervous. My hands get sweaty and my stomach gets all jumpy. I just freeze. And if I go over there and make a fool of myself, then I could never come back to the cafeteria ever again. I’d just have to starve, because if she saw me, she’d say to herself, ‘There’s that sweaty, jumpy idiot Henry.’ I need to wait until the time is just right. Of course, the time will probably never be right, so why don’t we just forget it and eat our lunch.”

Roderick huffed.

“We’re not gonna forget it, Henry. Right now is the right time … the time will never be righter than this. And I don’t know what you’re so worried about. I’ve seen the way she looks back at you when you smile at her. And when you wave at her, she waves back, don’t she? She ain’t flipped you the bird once. Ain’t thrown a single roll at you. Plus, there’s a million things to talk about … start with the weather and then go from there. Make fun of the food. Tell her how much you like her paintings in art class. Tell her she has pretty green eyes.”

“I’m not gonna talk to her about the dang weather,” Henry said. “What’s there to say? ‘Hey, Martha, it sure has been hot lately, ain’t it? Well … bye.’ And when we’re in art class I’m looking at her, not her paintings. And her eyes are blue, not green. They are blue, aren’t they? Shoot … now I’m not sure. Anyway, I get all tongue-tied just thinking about her. It’s easy for you … you’re a smooth talker. I’m not. I get too nervous.”

Roderick smiled.

“That’s funny. Roxy used to tell me that all the time, only she said I was a slick talker, not a smooth talker. Same thing, I reckon. And I ain’t gonna deny it, either. But that was the great thing about me and her … we’d start talking about anything and it’d go on for hours. And I bet that’s what’ll happen with you and Martha. Before you know it, you won’t have time to have lunch with me anymore because you’ll be all cozied-up to your new girlfriend.”

Henry shifted in his wheelchair.

“I like having lunch with you, Roderick,” Henry said. “You were the first person who was nice to me when I got moved to assisted living, and we’ve been friends ever since. Besides, I need you to push me.”

Roderick laughed.

“OK, then, you old fart. I’m about to push you over there where Martha is, and you best start talking. Like I keep saying … you can’t wait forever.”  

Big changes coming to CFL

The email I got from the Canadian Football League on Sunday did not find me well. In fact, it made me quite apprehensive.

It heralded a Monday news conference in which commissioner Stewart Johnston would make “a major announcement regarding significant changes to the game.”

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Uh oh.

I’m a huge fan of the CFL because of its cool rules, everything from three downs to make a first down to 12 players to a side.

“Don’t screw it up,” I muttered. “Please, please, please … don’t screw it up.”

Well, no lies were told – they did make significant changes to the game. Turns out, though, I think I might like ‘em.

Beginning with the 2027 season, the playing field will be decreased from 110 yards long to 100, and the end zones will be shortened from 20 yards deep to 15. The goalposts, currently located on the goal line, will be moved to the back of the end zone.

And starting in 2026, scoring a rouge (or single point), won’t be as easy. Currently a team is awarded a point if a missed field goal attempt goes wide of the goalposts or a punt or kickoff goes through or rolls out of the back or sides of the end zone without being touched by a returner.

Next year a team can score a rouge only if a punt, field goal or kickoff settles in the end zone and the returner either fails to run it out or takes a knee to down the ball.

Johnston says moving the goal posts should provide a significant boost to offenses.

“This will allow passing offenses to target the middle of the end zone, rather than defaulting to the sides to avoid goal posts,” Johnston said during Monday’s news conference. “It’ll make going for a touchdown instead of settling for a field goal more attractive. It will deliver more unobstructed sight lines for fans, viewers and television cameras, allow quarterbacks and punters, when operating from their own end zone, to play more freely. It will improve player safety, because while collisions with the post may not be commonplace, the risk is clear.

“It’ll mean a touchdown pass will have to be stopped by a defender and not the occasional upright or crossbar. By moving the goal post back, we project a 10 percent increase in completed passes in the end zone, and 60 more touchdowns each year.”

As for the changes to the rouge, Johnston says the criticism that it “rewards failure” will no longer be valid.

“This removes the possibility that the Grey Cup or a playoff matchup – or any game, for that matter – will be decided by a missed field goal or a punt or a kickoff through the end zone.”

The commish also stressed that the major changes didn’t come unilaterally.

“It is important to note that this package of changes was approved unanimously by the CFL Board of Governors, which includes team owners and chairs,” he said. “And I want to recognize their boldness and decisive action. They understand that we can and must advance our game, not by abandoning what makes it so great and unique, but by building upon our game’s legacy to make it more exciting, more entertaining and better for our fans.”

I’m gonna miss being able to use phrases like, “They have first and 10 at the 55,” but as long as the field remains 65 yards wide – and it does – I don’t think the 10 yard shrinkage in the field of play is that big a deal.

I liked the 20-yard deep end zones, but now that offenses don’t have the goalpost obstruction, it’ll seem like just as much if not more real estate to work with.

When Johnston first started talking about the rouge, I was afraid it was about to be axed. Thankfully, it lives on.

As much as I get a kick out of seeing a team grab a 1-0 lead, awarding points for a missed field goal always seemed a bit … participation trophy-ish.

“A team settles for a long field goal instead of an exciting third down gamble, because the goal posts on the goal line as well as the safety net of a potential rouge encourage them to play it cautiously,” Johnston said.

There will also be a 35-second play clock and team benches will be required to be on opposite sides of the field, but those won’t get people talking.

The other rule changes, though, will serve as quite the conversation starter as the league moves forward.

And while I appreciate the CFL the way it is – and perfectly understand traditionalists who hate these changes – I’m pretty sure I’m gonna continue to appreciate it once it undergoes its makeover. After all, it’s still quirky and different.

And who knows? By 2027, it might be better than ever.

Aubrey chases history

My fascination with field goal kickers began when I was roughly 10 years old.

I marveled at New Orleans Saints kicker Tom Dempsey, who set an NFL record with a 63-yard three-pointer in 1970 – despite being born with no toes on his right (kicking) foot.

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And Pete Gogolak of the New York Giants and Jan Stenerud of the Kansas City Chiefs wowed me with their new-fangled “soccer-style” approach.

We had an old American Beech tree in the backyard, and one of its low-hanging limbs served as a natural crossbar. I’d spend what seemed like hours placing the ball on a plastic tee and attempting to use my trusty right leg to win games for either the Alabama Crimson Tide or New York Jets – depending on whether it was a Saturday or Sunday.

I made a bunch … and as fate would have it, the ones I missed I got to do over because the defense was called for offsides. Funny how that always happened.

Anyway, while throwing or passing for the winning touchdown was the dream of most offensive-minded kids, I longed to split the pipes on a 50-yard field goal to lead my team to glory.

A half century later I remain a leg man, and these days I’m living vicariously through Dallas Cowboys kicker Brandon Aubrey – who effortlessly drilled a 64-yarder against the Giants last Sunday to force overtime in a 40-37 Dallas win. His 46-yarder in the extra period won it.

Now, before I go any further, please note that I don’t cheer for the Cowboys. Hell, I usually cheer against them. I’ve had no affection for the team in the turquoise-gray britches since Lee Roy Jordan was making tackles for them.

Still, that’s where Aubrey plays, and I have a bit of history with him.

Back when he was with the Birmingham Stallions in the modern USFL, I got a one-on-one interview with. He had established himself as one of the best kickers in the spring league, but his story was even better because of all the layers. He was a former professional soccer player who hadn’t played American football since high school until leaving his job as a software engineer and signing with the Stallions.

The interview went much longer than I intended because the dude was so friendly and engaging. With a degree from Notre Dame and success in the business world, he was going to be fine with or without football.

But his enthusiasm for the game – and his desire to see if he could make a living at it – made him someone you find yourself rooting for.

“I kind of burnt out of soccer,” Aubrey told me back in May, 2023. “Transitioning from an attacking player to a defensive player, I really wanted to do something where I could get out there and score some points. I’ve been watching football my whole life. I’ve loved football and obviously I would have kept playing football as a high schooler if I had the option. So, I just wanted to go out and see if I could make football work.”

As a Stallion, he made 32 of 36 field goals over two seasons and nailed 57 of 59 extra points – and all 35 PATs he tried in 2023.

That was good enough to get a tryout with the Dallas Cowboys.

The rest, as they say, is history.

He kicked a 65-yarder in 2024 and the 64-yarder last week – as time expired in regulation  –  would’ve been good from beyond 70.

He followed up with the game-winner in the last second of O.T. It was the first time in NFL history a kicker had made field goals as time expired in both regulation and overtime in the same game.

“I think that’s the first walk-off field goal I’ve had,” Aubrey said in the postgame gaggle. “So I did it twice (Sunday), which was pretty cool as time expires, once to enter overtime and once in overtime. So, pretty cool moment.”

Now in the third season of his NFL career, Aubrey has been good on 82 of 91 field goal attempts (90.1 percent) and 85 of 88 extra points.

That’s almost unbelievable.

He connected on his first 35 field goals as an NFL player – that had never been done before – and last season he set a league record for most successful field goals of 50 yards or longer with 14.

“I have a job to get the ball through the uprights,” he said. “They (the offense) have a line that they want to get to, and they’ve got to find any way possible to get there.”

Justin Tucker currently holds the NFL regular season record for longest field goal, that coming from 66 yards in 2021 when he was with the Baltimore Ravens.

During the 2025 preseason, Jacksonville Jaguars sidewinder Cam Little hit a 70-yarder.

Look, I’m way too old to tee the ball up and try to clear a limb for an imaginary victory. But Aubrey, at age 30, has the time – and the leg – to make history for me.

My hope is that he gets a chance to stand alone in the record books before the 2025 season is done.

I’m pretty sure he hopes so, too. His next chance comes today when Dallas travels to Soldier Field to take on the Chicago Bears.

“I believe I’m the best kicker in the league,” he said. “So, there’s no better spot to be. It’s an opportunity, so go have fun.”