Category: Funny Business

Like many of my science fiction-obsessed brethren and sistren, I’m a huge fan of the Planet of the Apes universe.

As a kid I soaked up the original films, live action TV series, and Saturday morning animated Return to the Planet of the Apes (which, really, better represented Pierre Boulle’s 1963 novel than the others).

I even watched Tim Burton’s version and didn’t hate it, which is as close to a compliment as I can give to his treatment of the subject matter.

But the modern trilogy (Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and War for the Planet of the Apes) is brilliant, and resonated with me more than all the rest.

Is it because the films serve as cautionary tales?

Nah.

As far as I’m concerned, they’re “feel-good” movies. And as we hurtle closer to mass extinction, I’m #TeamMonkey all the way.

Let’s face it … we (and by “we” I mean mankind) had our chance and man, have we ever screwed things up. So, when I watch a motion picture about evolved apes dominating the planet at the expense of humans who are sliding backward on the evolutionary scale, it warms my heart. In the grand scheme of things, I think of it more as tough love than a tough break.

For one thing, I enjoy hearing apes talk, especially when their voices sound like Andy Serkis and Steve Zahn. Serkis’ Caesar character is an all-business, no-nonsense type who gets things done and thinks of others before himself. He’s as likely to give you a pat on the back as a kick in your monkey butt.

An ape of few words, the words Caesar speaks are thoughtful and powerful.

Zahn’s Bad Ape reminds me a lot of myself – someone who eventually does what they’re supposed to do only after first considering all the easier options and ultimately feeling guilty.

Judy Greer also had a role in Dawn and War, playing Caesar’s wife, Cornelia. It was a largely non-verbal part but I think she’s magnificent, and would hope in a world of apes there would be many who are Judy Greeresque.

Know what else really impresses me about apes? Their respect for the environment. You probably noticed that in the recent trilogy, none of them drove cars – they rode horses.

A single automobile emits 4.6 metric tons of carbon dioxide per year. Horses break wind, of course, but they also produce more than nine million tons of manure annually, and that can be turned into renewable energy.

Plus, if you travel by horse, you don’t have to worry about high gas prices, getting its oil changed every three months, or receiving spam calls concerning the warranty on your steed.

Now, as apes further evolve, they’ll become more technologically advanced. This can be a blessing or curse, but – as Blue Oyster Cult eloquently states in the song Godzilla – “history shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man.”

It says nothing about the folly of apes.

I would trust Caesar, Bad Ape and Cornelia to learn from man’s follies and not repeat them. That means there would be no nuclear weapons, no Styrofoam cups and no Jerry Springer Show.

Take those three elements out of life and we all win.

OK … so let’s assume apes now run things. What are the downsides?

I can’t think of any, if I’m being honest.

Sure, there might be an increase in incidences of poo-flinging, but is that really so bad? I don’t do it and don’t want it done to me, but if consenting apes wish to engage in such activity, it’s really none of my business.

Fling and let fling, I often say.

Finally, if a true planet controlled by apes followed the movies’ storyline, humans would become extinct. Maybe we blow ourselves up (the original film) or perhaps we succumb to a simian flu (the modern reboot).

Either way, it’s a game we lose which ultimately results in the earth winning.

If, however, I happen to be one of the last human survivors, I vow to adapt to the customs of our monkey superiors and do everything I can to ensure a peaceful transfer of power.

Everything except fling poo.

Conspiracy theories are just no fun anymore.

You hear about one today, and it involves some paramilitary cosplayer who believes the government has implanted a chip in his left nostril that tracks his Cheetos consumption. Not only that, the Deep State is plotting to take those Cheetos away.

He joins other paramilitary cosplayers, and the next thing you know you have people hoarding crunchy corn puff snacks and engaging in a violent uprising in the name of “freedom.”

It wasn’t always like this, though. There was a time when conspiracy theories were mostly harmless and, sometimes, even amusing.

The first one I remember vividly involved the moon landing, or rather the “faked” moon landing as the tin foil hat crowd would have you believe.

Yep … according to conspiracy theorists of the day, it was all just an elaborate ruse. There was no trip to the moon, just a trip to a movie studio in California where it was all staged.

It was one small step for man, one giant leap for Orion Pictures.

There was even a history teacher at my high school who was a moon landing denier.

Although it was fun to talk about and inspired a great movie, Capricorn One, I never believed the non-believers – not for a second. The fact that astronauts came back with rocks and not green cheese was proof enough for me. Plus, I watched Walter Cronkite cover the event. Uncle Walter would not lie to me.

And let’s face it – had the landing been faked, the production value would’ve been much better than that grainy, black-and-white stuff we had to look at. And James Arness would’ve played Neil Armstrong.

I guess since we had now traveled to another world it stood to reason that a conspiracy theory involving aliens would pop up. Thus, there were those who believed the government had already made contact with extraterrestrials.

Actually, this conspiracy theory is still very much alive and got a boost a few years back with the infamous “alien autopsy” footage. Supposedly shot at Roswell, New Mexico, in 1947, it was part of a TV special in 1995 hosted by Jonathan Frakes, who played Will Riker, or Number One, on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Although I’m a Trekker and I want to believe (that’s a Fox Mulder/The X Files easter egg, by the way) this autopsy was basically just a big pile of Number Two. The filmmakers eventually admitted to “recreating” the actual footage, but I doubt seriously there was any actual footage to begin with.

Anybody with walking around sense knows that surgical instruments manufactured on earth cannot pierce the skin of alien life forms; only special alloys made by a race of robots hailing from the planet Vortek can do that.

And remember the discovery of mermaids? Not Daryl Hannah, who played a mermaid in Splash, or the Little Mermaid, who played a mermaid in, well, The Little Mermaid, but that weird looking thing shown in Mermaids: The Body Found. It was a mockumentary, but presented in such a way that it was easy to think the filmmakers were serious.

And let’s face it … millions of people are – how can I put this delicately – stupid, so it doesn’t take much to make imbeciles buy into nonsense.

Frankly, I was never one to believe mermaids roamed the sea. The bottom half of the body being fish-like and the top half being humanoid makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. A real mermaid would have a fish-like top half and humanoid bottom half. Otherwise, how could they breathe underwater?

Myth-makers need to do a better job of thinking these things through.

Of course, there have been all sorts of conspiracy theories over the years, ranging from Bigfoot to Elvis Presley faking his death to chemtrails to Batman and Robin being a good movie.

All enjoyable to talk about, but all completely absurd.

Regardless, I miss the days when we could yuk it up over silly speculation. After all, idiocy can be amusing – right up until people start believing the government is after their Cheetos.

This might come as a bit of a shock, but I was never what you’d call an “Adonis.” Short, bespectacled and built like a chimpanzee with truncated arms, I had to rely on my sense of humor and extensive knowledge of Batman mythology to get dates.

Still, I always tried to look my best.

For a time, I attempted to wear contact lenses, but even the soft ones irritated my eyes. I had trouble focusing and blinked like Joel Osteen watching the collection plates being passed around.

Then I settled on cool eyeglasses. Not Elton John cool, but specs that tended to highlight my big brown eyes and chipmunk cheeks and distract from my ape-like physique. I looked a bit like the dude who fronted the Buggles.

And of course, my hairstyles have been all over the map.

There was the Keith Partridge look, the butt-cut – even a modified mullet at one point in the 1980s. I didn’t adopt a short style until I went through a two decades-long Clark Kent phase.

But now that I’ve reached the age where the only dates I’m interested in getting are the ones high in fiber, vanity shouldn’t be that big a deal.

But it still kind of is.

For example, I went years without paying much attention to my eyebrows, and then one morning I woke up and looked like Mr. McBeevee. If you don’t know who Mr. McBeevee is, he was a character played by Karl Swenson on an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show.” Dude had some wild-ass brows that seemed to take off in several different directions. They were like tiny Medusa snakes.

Anyway, I now find myself having to trim my brows at least twice a week because if not, it looks like a pair of caterpillars are taking naps above my eyes.

And as for hair, I prefer wearing it kinda long but it’s thinning on my crown. I’m afraid if I don’t so something soon, I’ll look like the monks of old – or even the Monks of the 1960s (their song Monk Time is way ahead of it’s time, by the way).

A quick fix would be to shave my noggin, but that’s not a real option for me. A lot of people look really good bald, but you have to have the right head shape.

I do not have the right head shape.

If I opted to shear off my locks I’d look like Lex Luthor. Well, maybe not so much Lex Luthor as his less attractive brother, Lenny Luthor, who runs a small booth at the outlet mall where he sells cubic zirconia Kryptonite.

So, I’ve decided to try a topical hair growth treatment. It’s actually working because one of the early signs of regrowth is what appears to be peach fuzz, and it’s popping up on and around the crown.

If leaves appear I’ll probably discontinue use of the product, but I might see how they look first.

Finally, staying in shape is a chore when you get older.

I’m happy that my weight is basically where it’s supposed to be compared to my height, but under no circumstance would I go shirtless – even at the beach.

I never was one to show off my pecs (or even my bushels), but unless you have personal trainers and really good genes, time has a way of making your chest and torso look weird. I give myself the once-over in a mirror and just seem formless and uncooked.

And in my case, there’s that whole ape shape I have to deal with.

If I was running shirtless in a park, the first kid who saw me would shout, “Mama … look at the pink monkey. Can I feed it?”

Fortunately, my darling person loves me the way I am, which is a good thing because I can only do so much about the way I look. So even if I have bushy eyebrows, a bare crown and a chest and stomach that looks like it has just been poured out of a can, it really wouldn’t matter.

Besides, I think she truly enjoys watching me peel bananas and pick things off her head.