Category: Funny Business

Since my childhood, I’ve been something of a skeptic.

I never believed in Santa Claus, because I found it implausible that an old, obese man would have the energy to visit all the good boys and girls in the world in a single night.

Plus reindeer cannot fly (due primarily to inner ear infections common to the species).

Tooth fairy?

Nope.

When I lost a tooth and found a coin under my pillow, I knew it was put there by mom or dad.

The tooth fairy doesn’t deal in American currency and besides, she has no pockets to carry change.

I also rolled my eyes at the concept of an Easter Bunny.

Sure, there are giant rabbits – “Night of the Lepus” confirmed that. But they don’t bring your kids eggs at Easter or any other time of year because they don’t like children.

Really, this is all just common sense stuff.

However, there are certain things I’ve never questioned, and one of those things is the shape of the earth.

It’s round, and it’s obviously round.

So who could possibly believe otherwise?

Why, members of the Flat Earth Society, of course.

Seriously, this is an actual thing.

According to the Flat Earth Society website, all that silly science stuff suggesting the earth is round is just crazy talk.

All you have to do is go the FAQ section of the site to get confirmation.

Personally, I’ve always felt that a pretty good indication that the earth is round comes from pictures taken from space, which shows an orb.

How do the Flat Earthers explain that?

Like this:

There are a plethora of resources available that show us we can’t trust the photographic evidence from organizations such as NASA. Some of the evidences that these should be discounted include constant changes in their depiction of the Earth, inconsistent lighting in moon footage, and other irregularities which are discussed in depth by those who believe the Moon landing was a hoax.

I had a high school teacher who thought the moon landing was, indeed a hoax, filmed in a TV studio in New York. She was also a nut.

Nuts telling me the moon landing was fake does not make me believe it.

And what about all those astronauts who have orbited the earth?

Lies … all lies.

Most Flat Earthers think Astronauts have been bribed or coerced into their testimonies. Some believe they have been fooled or are mistaken.

Hmmm.

As far as bribes, sure, Dr. James Kelloway tried to bribe the astronauts on Capricorn One to pretend they had gone to Mars, but he didn’t get away with it.

(By the way, Capricorn One was a 1977 government conspiracy movie that you can currently buy on ebay for $7.61 plus $3.50 shipping. It’s quite enjoyable, although Karen Black’s character was basically wasted. It also has O.J. Simpson in it, which is kinda creepy).

And I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m pretty sure guys like John Glenn were not mistaken when they were blasted into space. I mean, you might mistakenly pick up regular Pringles when your intent was to buy the reduced fat kind, but if you put on a space suit, get strapped into a capsule, and then sit atop an explosion that propels you skyward, I think the intent of what is going to happen is pretty freakin’ clear.

And what about satellites?

According to the Flat Earth Society, there ain’t no satellites.

While one can see satellites in the sky at night, it is generally agreed upon that they are not actual satellites but pseudolites or stratolites put there to fool us.

Okey-doke.

And finally, when it comes to gravity, Flat Earthers simply don’t believe in such nonsense.

Gravity as a theory is false. Objects simply fall. In the flat earth community there are several theories as to why this happens. Some attempt to explain this with use of mechanics like electromagnetism, density, or pressure. Others make use of traditional mathematics, such as the infinite plane model, and others a new look at the problem – such as the non-Euclidean model.
What is certain is sphere earth gravity is not tenable in any way shape or form.

Is this some kind of joke?

To a degree, yes. For example, I’m an ordained minister in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but I realize that the Noodly One is not really a “monster” at all. He’s quite benevolent, and it’s ridiculous to think otherwise.

And I can’t help but think that many people who claim to believe in the Flat Earth theory know it’s ridiculous, too. A lot of celebrities have recently began talking about the concept, but I’m convinced most are merely doing it for publicity.

But there are obviously true believers, men and women who simply refuse to accept science.

Certainly, it’s healthy to be skeptical, especially in an era where there is so much misinformation and stupidity has become acceptable. And there are several theories that are open to interpretation.

The shape of the earth, however, is not one of them.

Nor is the concept of flying reindeer.

Because of that inner ear thing.

I’m 57, and even though I look like a much younger, less attractive man, there is no denying that I am considered by some to be “old.”

Those people will tell you there are certain expectations that come with my age, and that I’m too long in the tooth to be enthusiastic about things such as comic books or superheroes.

Those people can kiss my ass.

I’m still fully immersed in the world that includes web-slinging and shield-wielding. Most importantly, I’m an even bigger Batman fan today than I was as a kid, and I make no apologies for it.

It’s not just a passing admiration for the Dark Knight – though I certainly do deeply respect his quest to mete out justice in a world that has lost its way – it’s really more of a lifestyle.

I have an entire room dedicated to Batman, one that includes action figures, wall art (my favorite is a Spanish-language poster for the 1966 movie) and even a Batman soap dispenser and toothbrush.

If you ever come to my house, I’ll let you see it for a quarter. And since it’s technically a bathroom, you can use it for $10 (plus a $5 non-refundable deposit).

I also have a Batman onesie that I wear from time to time.

It’s very stylish, with an old style logo on the front surrounded by a bright yellow oval.

People think I’m joking when I say I’ve actually worn it to the supermarket – but when it comes to Batman, I don’t kid; it’ not just fashionable, it’s functional.

And by the looks of both patrons and the deli staff, they like it, too.

I also have a wide variety of Batman tee shirts.

One sports the logo from the recent “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” and “Justice League” movies. Another is from the 2002 comic “Batman: Hush.”

I save the latter for special occasions, such as weddings and commitment ceremonies, (although I’ve been told that my obsession with The World’s Greatest Detective could lead to an entirely different commitment ceremony in the not-too-distant future).

I have a miniature Batman bust that speaks nine different lines, all more inspirational and motivational than the last.

My favorite is, “The joke’s on you, Joker.”

Damn right.

So where does this fascination come from?

My first memories of Bats date back to the campy TV series from the mid-1960s, although it wasn’t corny to me at all.

It was glorious to see Bruce Wayne and his alter ego fight colorful evildoers through the lens of a tilted camera, complete with picture words such as Boff! Splatt! and Zowie!

The show inspired me to sneak out on the porch after dark in a homemade cape and cowl, keeping my house safe from the forces of evil.

And it worked. We never got robbed once while I donned the suit, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

But then as I got older, I was introduced to the comics, which presented a serious crime fighter who dressed as a bat as a way to intimidate his enemies.

I was one of those kids who enjoyed playing sports, although I had to work twice as hard just to be half as good as my more athletic friends. Fantasy came easy for me, though.  I loved to read and use my imagination, and I was drawn to this dystopian world where one heroic person tried desperately make a difference.

Of course at the time I didn’t think of Gotham City as dystopian because I didn’t know what the word meant. But whatever it was, I liked it.

And unlike other “superheroes,” it was conceivable I could actually be Batman.

Superman was an alien from the planet Krypton.

I was an Alabamian from the planet Earth.

Spider-Man seemed too far-fetched because the odds of being bitten by a radioactive spider are astronomical. I have been bitten by several spiders, but all of my attempts to crawl on walls have ended in embarrassment and minor injuries.

Captain America was injected with Super-Soldier serum, which is not available over the counter at Walgreens.

And Wonder Woman? She’s an immortal goddess from Themyscira. Plus, with my legs, there’s no way I could pull off wearing her costume.

But Batman was just a rich dude in tip-top physical shape who possessed a near-genius intellect.

I was none of those things … but in theory, I could’ve been all of those things.

So, I’ve seen every Batman-related movie several times, although 1997’s “Batman and Robin” counts as an act of self-harm (and I still believe Joel Schumacher should’ve served at least a few months in prison for directing the film).

And I continue to follow Batman in all other mediums, because even old guys still need heroes. And whether I’m 57, 67, 77 or 87, he’ll still be my Dark Knight in shining armor.

If that doesn’t seem age-appropriate to you, well, you can kiss me where the Bat-Signal doesn’t shine.

 

Now that I’ve retired from the newspaper business and transitioned to the role of Trophy Husband, I’ve taken a much more active role in cleaning house.

Since my wife heads to the office every day and makes money, I figure the least I can do is try to make our domicile nice and clean when she gets home.

To that end, I’ve made out a schedule that includes vacuuming (twice a week), dusting (once a week), mopping (twice a week), cleaning the upstairs bathroom (occasionally) and cleaning the downstairs bathroom (every day … sometimes more than once).

I won’t say I’ve got it down to a science, but I have developed a pretty solid system.

As for the first item on the list, I could vacuum constantly and it still probably wouldn’t be enough. When you have four animals that live indoors, there will be shedding.

And when one of those animals is a giant, long-haired gray and white cat, fur will float and fly. I have never in my life seen a critter shed like Bane.

Plus, his fur tends to gather in specific places, as though there are various hair hubs situated throughout the house.

We have a coat rack in the corner of the dining room and on any given day you can look behind it and find what appears to be the head of Bea Arthur.

Sadly, minutes after you’ve vacuumed the entire house you’ll find fresh evidence of shedding, so there’s no point in fighting a losing battle.

So, I vacuum on Tuesday and Friday and just try not to notice all the extraneous fur the other days of the week.

Dusting can also be a challenge.

When the sun shines through the windows at a certain angle, it exposes all the dust that collects – and it covers everything from your stove to your television.

When you stop to think about all the stuff you’re constantly breathing in, it can be scary.

I’ve learned the best thing to do is to keep your curtains closed, Miss Havisham-style. It doesn’t decrease the dust, but out of sight, out of mind, you know?

As for mopping, it’s another task that should probably be done daily.

Sometimes you’ll track in dirt from outside, and occasionally when cooking soup, a renegade tomato will decide to make a run for it and hit the floor.

And of course, there’s the animal factor.

Cats tend to barf.

And our oldest dog Charlie, likes to drink a lot of water and then yak half of it up.

To people without animals, it sounds gross.

To people with animals, it is gross.

But it’s all part of the experience, and that’s why mopping is necessary.

Cleaning the upstairs bathroom (or Batroom) is easy because it’s barely used and reserved for the rare times when “company” comes to stay with us. And the reason it’s called the Batroom is due to its décor, which is completely Batman-themed.

Normally all that’s required here is a light feather dusting; no need to even open the “Batcave.”

But the downstairs bathroom … well, that’s another story.

I’ve always admired those who clean for a living, whether it be businesses or homes. Aside from doing hard but necessary work, they often have to deal with inconsiderate people.

I’ve been to public restrooms and witnessed unspeakable horrors.

There are toilets that look like crime scenes – ones in which the perpetrators have no regard for those who might follow them.

I have seen urinals used as trash receptacles. I once ventured into a gas station restroom and saw that someone had deposited half a Twinkie on top of a urinal cake.

I mean, what the hell? Who eats a Twinkie while peeing?

Perhaps the bigger question is, why eat only half a Twinkie?

I have opened doors to restrooms and been driven back by foulness so profound I still have nightmares about it.

So in order to avoid such evil, each and every day I tackle the toilet, sink and shower with brushes, cleaners, paper towels and, if need be, incantations so that they remain as clean as is humanly possible.

The idea is that if you ever have to use the downstairs restroom at my house, you will never see what cannot be unseen.

In just the few weeks I’ve taken on housecleaning full time, I’ve developed a great appreciation for the skill involved in doing it right. And I still have much to learn.

So the next time you run into the person who does the cleaning where you work or where you live, give them a thumbs up and a sincere thank you.

They deserve it.

And when you use the bathroom – mine or anyone else’s –  act like you’ve done it before.

And finish eating your damn Twinkie first.