I want a Batmobile and, according to Moneysupermarket.com, it’s going to cost $18 million to get it.
I’m not asking you to give me the money … I’m merely asking that you believe with me that I’ll get it. And I believe the best way for that to happen is for you provide it.
It kinda is.
Recently, prosperity preacher Jesse Duplantis garnered plenty of attention when he said the Lord told him he needed a $54 million airplane to spread the good word.
And he makes a point of telling his flock he isn’t asking them for money (wink, wink), he’s just asking them to believe he’ll somehow come up with the necessary cash.
And he probably will, because ol’ Jesse has already got a pretty good gig going thanks to his pay-for-pray business.
The Cajun-spiced pastor lives in a 25-room house with a pair of two-car garages and has already had three jets at his disposal while running his lucrative “ministry.”
I guess while it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God, Jesse figures if his plane is fast enough it can just strap the camel to the roof and blow right on through.
The sad part – aside from this guy being a shameless con – is that so many people are willing to be conned. I won’t be surprised at all if he gets enough money to score his cool jet, allowing him to stretch the reach of his gospel while stretching his legs and enjoying a cocktail in his spacious cabin.
And he’ll tell you that by helping him enrich his life, it’ll enrich yours.
(Spoiler alert: It won’t).
Still, I have to give Brother Duplantis a bit of credit for inspiring me to chase my dream, which brings me back to the Batmobile.
While there have been many rides for the Caped Crusader over the years – all outstanding in their own way – the one I want is the Tumbler. This is the sweet vehicle which was introduced in the movie “Batman Begins.”
It’s a prototype armored military tank designed as a bridging vehicle. It has state-of-the art weaponry and the ability to boost into a rampless jump.
Why do I need it?
But I want it because as much as I enjoy tooling around town in my 2013 Honda Accord, nothing would be as cool as commandeering the Tumbler.
Now, before you get nervous, I have no plans to use its weapons. There’s a slight chance I could fire off a short-range missile if the car in front of me refuses to immediately move forward when the light turns green, but beyond that, those features would go unused.
Also, I would not utilize the rampless jump; that would be showing off.
And I’ll be honest … me getting a Batmobile probably won’t benefit you at all. It’s a two-seater, so my wife would be the primary passenger and, most likely, only human rider besides me.
Other times I’d use the extra seat to transport my critters to the vet, or to store groceries.
See, while it’s important for Jesse to be able to fly nonstop from New Orleans to New Guinea, it’s important for me to be Batman.
I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m much closer to the Dork Knight than the Dark Knight, but having a Tumbler would make YOU think I’m Batman and, really, that’s all that matters.
So how can you help this happen?
Probably the easiest routes to take are 18 million of you sending me a dollar, or one of you sending me 18 million dollars. Doesn’t matter to me either way … work it out among yourselves.
However, those are hardly the only ways to put me in the Tumbler.
The makers of the vehicle could read this and send me one as thanks for all the great publicity I have given their product.*
* Dear Tumbler makers, if you decide to do that, please include the deluxe Sirius XM package.
Legendary Pictures, makers of Christopher Nolan’s Batman movie trilogy, could do the same. *
* Dear Legendary Pictures, if you decide to do that, please include the deluxe Sirius XM package as well as the butt-warming feature on the driver’s side.
Nolan himself, a man of great means and talent, could buy the Tumbler for me.*
* Dear Chris, if you decide to do that, please include the deluxe Sirius XM package, the butt-warming feature on the driver’s side, and a written explanation of how Bruce Wayne was able to escape The Pit and make it back to Gotham in The Dark Knight Rises.
I’m anxiously waiting to see how all this plays out. And if you decide to help me out, send a DM via Twitter and we can work out a payment schedule.
Then again, maybe I should just ask Jesse.
He seems to know how to get the most bang out of someone else’s buck.
Note from the Editor/Spouse: Do not, I repeat, do NOT send him money to buy a Batmobile. He already possesses tiny replicas of said vehicle, which much to my chagrin, are displayed throughout our home.