Scott Adamson, Author at Adamsonmedia.com

Is this the end (again) for the Cosmos?

Where were you on June 15, 1975?

Scott Adamson opines on soccer every now and then. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

If you’re in your mid-50s – and a sports fan – maybe you tuned into CBS for a rare telecast of the North American Soccer League.

That was the day the New York Cosmos took on the Dallas Tornado at Downing Stadium, a match that saw Pele make his American soccer debut.

After signing a three-year contract worth nearly $3 million, the magic man of world football was the highest paid athlete on the planet, and he came to the United States to make soccer not just a big deal here, but the real deal.

I was transfixed.

Until that day I was a fan of the Tampa Bay Rowdies, but Pele turned me.

It wasn’t long before I had a Pele poster on my wall and snatched up every copy of Soccer America I could find so I could read up on his exploits.

And even after he retired, soccer greats such as Giorgio Chinaglia, Franz Beckenbauer, Carlos Albert and Hubert Birkenmeier cemented my Cosmos fandom. As a teenager, the New York Cosmos was my favorite professional sports team, period.

So, it was quite a gut punch when the NASL “suspended operations” on March 28, 1985.

It was bad enough that top-notch soccer seemed finished in the United States, but the Cosmos were gone.

Within a week of the league’s demise, I had ripped the Pele poster (which had been joined by posters of Chinaglia and American-born soccer star Kyle Rote Jr.) off the wall. At that point, looking at them made me both mad and sad.

Now, jump 32 years into the future, and I wonder if I’ll have to bid the Cosmos farewell one more time.

The current NASL – the one that just competed its 2017 season on Sunday with the San Francisco Deltas blanking the Cosmos 2-0 in the Soccer Bowl, may not return. And if it’s dead, one has to assume the Cosmos name will finally be put to rest once and for all.

The modern NASL has nothing to do with the original NASL, of course. For a while, the Cosmos of the 1970s were one of the greatest soccer clubs in the world.

The “new” North American Soccer League has never been more than second division, and might not have even been on my radar if not for the Cosmos.

The name had been purchased by former Tottenham Hotspur official Paul Kemsley, and he was looking at the possibility of reviving the Cosmos as a Major League Soccer franchise.

He eventually sold his interest in the club and it was reborn in the NASL, although team officials as late as 2013 said the idea was still to somehow find a path MLS.

That didn’t happen, though, and now that New York has the Red Bulls and NYCFC, it probably never will.

But no matter … I still root for the Cosmos, and they remain my favorite domestic team.

But will they ever play again?

Will the NASL ever play again?

After being denied second division status by the United States Soccer Federation, the league sued in hopes to prove the USSF, MLS and the United Soccer League (another second division circuit) had colluded and, therefore, violated federal antitrust laws. However, NASL’s petition for a preliminary injunction was denied, and if it loses an appeal (set for the week of Dec. 11), it could be the death knell.

None of the stakeholders in the league have any desire to play at the third division level, and that might be the only realistic option.

I’d love to see the NASL become a “renegade” league if it can’t get relief from the courts; with no promotion/relegation system, if it spent enough money on players it could claim major league status.

But that would be a financial war it couldn’t win.

If the ruling stands, MLS, USL (and USL Division III, which is coming in 2019) will have effectively cornered the market on American soccer.

Hey, you never know how a judge is going to rule, but I’m going to go ahead and get ready to say goodbye to the Cosmos for the second – and probably last – time.

Flatulence … it’s a gas, gas, gas

Flatulence.

**Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl**

According to Merriam-Webster, the primary definition of flatulence is, “the quality or state of being flatulent.”

Frankly, that tells me nothing.

It’s like looking up petulance and seeing it defined as “the quality or state of being petul.”

The secondary definition, though, lays it all out there.

“Flatus expelled through the anus.”

Now we’re talking.

There are roughly 7.5 billion people on the planet, and the vast majority of them have anuses. And I’m going to venture a guess that every single one of them has to expel flatus several times a week.

Yes, I realize this topic makes some people uncomfortable.

It’s rarely discussed at the dinner table, unless of course the theme of dinner is gas and the main dish is 15-bean soup.

And I’ve never heard of an instance where it came up during a job interview, but I’d like to have been there if it did.

“So, Mr. Smith, I see you have a B.A. degree and several years’ experience in the field. One quick question though … where do you stand on flatulence?”

“You mean, expelling flatus through my anus?”

“Yes.”

“Personally, I’m all for it.”

“Great! I think you’ll fit in just fine here at Buttblaster Industries.”

Clearly, flatulence never finds its way into polite conversation. But really, it’s not the fault of flatus.

It’s the fault of you and me.

For starters, we’ve given it unappealing nicknames, like “farts” and “backdoor trumpets” and “butt cheek squeaks.” All are lowbrow – maybe even offensive.

They sound bad when you say them and even worse when you hear them.

Therefore, I think the first step in softening the reputation of flatulence is to give it a brighter, happier name.

My choice is “Chip.”

Once people are no longer afraid to talk about it (“Chip” is offensive to no one), then maybe we can take the next step and remove the shame.

I never admitted this to my co-workers over the years, but oftentimes I would get up from my chair and tell them I was going to step outside and “stretch my legs.”

I did this a lot during the course of the day, but I really wasn’t going outside to stretch my legs at all.

I just had to Chip, and Chip sometimes makes quite a racket.

The sounds vary, of course, from a creak to a plaintive wail to the unsettling noise sometimes associated with knocking over a filing cabinet.

For whatever reason, my Chips often have a sharp report.

One time, while standing outside the building at my last job, I unleashed a Chip that sounded very much like a firecracker. It was so loud birds nesting in nearby trees were startled and flew off in a panic. There might have even been a police report filed, although I can’t say for sure.

But if we weren’t ashamed of the noise, we wouldn’t have to lie to our friends.

It would’ve been nice if, while at work, I could’ve just jumped up, said, “I have to Chip,” and ran outside. And if anyone heard it, they could just shrug it off.

Because like I said, we all Chip.

Yet the biggest problem with Chip is that he often comes with some unwanted odor.

There are some that are mild and only slightly disagreeable, but there are others that carry the scent of week-old road kill dipped in balsamic vinaigrette. (And I’m not saying how I know this, but anyone who has consumed eggs and drank beer during the course of a day and feels a need to Chip must be quarantined, and his or her city of residence should be evacuated).

That being the case, even when we make Chip more accepted by society we have to recognize the fact that he is best released in wide-open spaces.

Because even if there comes a day when people have no qualms talking about expelling flatus through their anuses, there are limitations.

After all, if somebody Chips in an elevator, they need to have their asses kicked.

USL thriving on the field, at the box office

By Scott Adamson
Adamsonmedia.com

Major League Soccer is top dog when it comes to the hierarchy of the sport in North America, but the United Soccer League has grown into a worthy member of the pack.

The USL, which serves as pro soccer’s primary second division in the United States and Canada, has doubled in size since 2014 and is adding three new teams (Nashville, Fresno and Las Vegas) in 2018.

Birmingham and Austin are set to join in 2019.

Once those expansion clubs are in the fold, the USL will feature 35 teams, and currently 22 USL squads have direct affiliations with MLS. All but one MLS franchise (Minnesota United FC) has a “feeder club” in the United Soccer League.

“We work with MLS and their clubs to evaluate their affiliation models to see what makes sense for the USL and what makes sense for MLS, and it’s not a one size fits all situation,” USL president Jake Edwards said during a conference call earlier today. “I think right now after a few years, on an annual basis they have to evaluate from a business point of view and technical point of view how those partnerships work.”

Farm club status notwithstanding, the USL had its most successful season this year.

“The 2017 season had been incredibly successful – not just for the league, but for all of our clubs,” Edwards said. “We surpassed 2 million fans in total attendance, setting a record for a second division league in North America.”

USL attendance in 2017 averaged 5,700 fans per game, a 23 percent increase over 2016. And several teams put up crowd numbers that would make an MLS franchise proud.

“Since 2011, total league attendance has grown at an annual rate of 36 percent,” Edwards said. “This season nine of the top 10-attended professional soccer markets outside of MLS were, in fact, from the USL. Of those, seven USL clubs drew more than 100,000 fans to their games this season.”

FC Cincinnati averaged 21,199 fans per match as the city continues to make a strong push to gain entry into MLS, while Sacramento Republic saw an average of 11,569 fans click the turnstiles for home matches.

Seven other teams averaged more than 5,000 fans per match.

In all, per game averages showed a marked increase over the 2016 average of 3,439.

“This significant increase is the result of several factors,” Edwards said. “It certainly includes the improved quality of play on the field, increased exposure we’ve received through USL Productions and new media partnerships, and a significant investment made by our first-class ownership through infrastructure and stadiums, and the fan experience.”

Edwards says that more than half of the league’s teams play in soccer-specific stadiums, with a league goal of having all of its franchises housed in stadiums designed primarily for soccer by 2020.

The USL was created as USL Pro in 2011, and formerly featured first and second divisions under the umbrella of United Soccer Leagues. A merger with the MLS Reserve League in 2013 led to one unified second division league.

“We’ll continue to attract top quality players for an even more competitive season (going forward),” Edwards said. “Our overall goal is to be one of the top Division 2 professional soccer leagues in the world.”

The 2017 USL Cup championship will be played Monday at 9 p.m. when Louisville City FC hosts Swope Park (Kansas City) Rangers.

ESPNU will televise the match.