The CFL rules because of the CFL’s rules

I started my newspaper career covering a high school football game in Ashland, Ala., in 1987. The last game I wrote about as a credential-carrying member of the media was Clemson’s victory over Wake Forest last fall at Memorial Stadium.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears when he feels like writing sportsball columns. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

In between I had “beat” duties for Alabama, Auburn, Georgia and Clemson in the college ranks, as well as the Carolina Panthers and Atlanta Falcons of the NFL.

But I guess after all this time I’m finally free to admit that my favorite brand of outdoor tackle football isn’t even played in the United States.

Thursday starting at 8:30 p.m., I’ll be situated on the far right corner of the futon watching the Edmonton Eskimos go head-to-head with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

A day later, at 9 p.m., I’ll take in the Toronto Argonauts vs. Saskatchewan Roughriders game.

And on Saturday, it’ll be a six-hour marathon for me, beginning with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats challenging the Calgary Stampeders and ending with the Montreal Alouettes trying their luck against the BC Lions.

Yep, it’s a new season of the Canadian Football League, and for me, it’s the most wonderful time of the gridiron year.

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been enamored with the Canadian game for more than 40 years, so I won’t waste your time with an origin story.

I will tell you, however, that I started rooting for the Ti-Cats back in the 1970s, and last season adopted the Alouettes as my “backup” team.*

* I cheered for the Birmingham Barracudas in 1995 during the CFL’s brief stop in the southeastern United States (and still miss them).

And after all these years it’s funny to me that so many people seem gobsmacked that I dare take the CFL “seriously.”

Not only do I take it seriously, but I’ll take it over every other brand of tackle football that exists.

Why?

The answer is simple: I like the rules better.

Teams have 12 players to a side (an extra back on offense and an additional secondary player on defense).

The field is 110 yards long and 65 yards wide, and end zones are 20 yards deep with goalposts located on the goal line. So you might actually hear the announcer say, “Hamilton has first down at the Calgary 53.”
Teams have only three downs to make a first down, so you don’t see a lot of line plunges to test the opposing “D.”
If a ball is fumbled out of bounds, it becomes the possession of the last team to touch it.
Then there’s the rouge … the beautiful, quirky rouge.

It’s a 1-point score (also called a single) awarded to a team that kicks a ball into the end zone that isn’t returned (except on an extra point, or in CFL terminology, a “convert”).
Even if a kicker misses a field goal, his team still gets a point if the ball goes out of the end zone or if a kick returner takes a knee.

Yet my favorite play – albeit a rarity – is the “onside punt.”

Yep, any player who lines up behind the punter is considered “onside” and can recover a punted ball. Oh, and no fair catches are allowed on punts, either.

If you don’t follow the CFL, you may see these rules as gimmicks.

Not me … I view them as upgrades, and they make the game faster and more wide-open.

That translates to a more enjoyable experience for me.

This isn’t to say that I don’t also love “traditional” football.

On Saturdays in the fall I’ll watch an American college game, and on Sundays I’ll make room for the NFL.

As a graduate of UAB, I’m extremely interested in the Blazers’ revived program, and I’ve been a New York Jets fan since their American Football League days.

But nine times out of 10 – if I have to choose between the NCAA, NFL or CFL – I’m going to watch the game played north of the border.

It might not feature the world’s best football players, but I think it features some of the world’s best football games.

Brother, can you spare $18 million for a Batmobile?

I want a Batmobile and, according to Moneysupermarket.com, it’s going to cost $18 million to get it.

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

I’m not asking you to give me the money … I’m merely asking that you believe with me that I’ll get it. And I believe the best way for that to happen is for you provide it.

Sound familiar?

It kinda is.

Recently, prosperity preacher Jesse Duplantis garnered plenty of attention when he said the Lord told him he needed a $54 million airplane to spread the good word.

And he makes a point of telling his flock he isn’t asking them for money (wink, wink), he’s just asking them to believe he’ll somehow come up with the necessary cash.

And he probably will, because ol’ Jesse has already got a pretty good gig going thanks to his pay-for-pray business.

The Cajun-spiced pastor lives in a 25-room house with a pair of two-car garages and has already had three jets at his disposal while running his lucrative “ministry.”

I guess while it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God, Jesse figures if his plane is fast enough it can just strap the camel to the roof and blow right on through.

The sad part – aside from this guy being a shameless con – is that so many people are willing to be conned. I won’t be surprised at all if he gets enough money to score his cool jet, allowing him to stretch the reach of his gospel while stretching his legs and enjoying a cocktail in his spacious cabin.

And he’ll tell you that by helping him enrich his life, it’ll enrich yours.

(Spoiler alert: It won’t).

Still, I have to give Brother Duplantis a bit of credit for inspiring me to chase my dream, which brings me back to the Batmobile.

While there have been many rides for the Caped Crusader over the years – all outstanding in their own way – the one I want is the Tumbler. This is the sweet vehicle which was introduced in the movie “Batman Begins.”

It’s a prototype armored military tank designed as a bridging vehicle. It has state-of-the art weaponry and the ability to boost into a rampless jump.

Why do I need it?

I don’t.

But I want it because as much as I enjoy tooling around town in my 2013 Honda Accord, nothing would be as cool as commandeering the Tumbler.

Now, before you get nervous, I have no plans to use its weapons. There’s a slight chance I could fire off a short-range missile if the car in front of me refuses to immediately move forward when the light turns green, but beyond that, those features would go unused.

Also, I would not utilize the rampless jump; that would be showing off.

And I’ll be honest … me getting a Batmobile probably won’t benefit you at all. It’s a two-seater, so my wife would be the primary passenger and, most likely, only human rider besides me.

Other times I’d use the extra seat to transport my critters to the vet, or to store groceries.

See, while it’s important for Jesse to be able to fly nonstop from New Orleans to New Guinea, it’s important for me to be Batman.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m much closer to the Dork Knight than the Dark Knight, but having a Tumbler would make YOU think I’m Batman and, really, that’s all that matters.

So how can you help this happen?

Probably the easiest routes to take are 18 million of you sending me a dollar, or one of you sending me 18 million dollars. Doesn’t matter to me either way … work it out among yourselves.

However, those are hardly the only ways to put me in the Tumbler.

The makers of the vehicle could read this and send me one as thanks for all the great publicity I have given their product.*

* Dear Tumbler makers, if you decide to do that, please include the deluxe Sirius XM package.

Legendary Pictures, makers of Christopher Nolan’s Batman movie trilogy, could do the same. *

* Dear Legendary Pictures, if you decide to do that, please include the deluxe Sirius XM package as well as the butt-warming feature on the driver’s side.

Nolan himself, a man of great means and talent, could buy the Tumbler for me.*

* Dear Chris, if you decide to do that, please include the deluxe Sirius XM package, the butt-warming feature on the driver’s side, and a written explanation of how Bruce Wayne was able to escape The Pit and make it back to Gotham in The Dark Knight Rises.

I’m anxiously waiting to see how all this plays out. And if you decide to help me out, send a DM via Twitter and we can work out a payment schedule.

Then again, maybe I should just ask Jesse.

He seems to know how to get the most bang out of someone else’s buck.

Note from the Editor/Spouse:  Do not, I repeat, do NOT send him money to buy a Batmobile.  He already possesses tiny replicas of said vehicle, which much to my chagrin, are displayed throughout our home.

 

 

 

 

Birmingham gets back in the pro football business

I want the team to be called the Birmingham Battalion and their color scheme should be Army green, black and silver.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson and appears now and then. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

Right now I’m thinking Army green helmets, but then again, silver hats always look nice.

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Birmingham today became the seventh city to land a franchise in the fledgling Alliance of American Football, joining Atlanta, Orlando, Memphis, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, and San Diego.

It already introduced its coach (longtime NFL assistant Tim Lewis) but soon the team will need a name and colors and I’ve already provided those.

You’re welcome.

Of course more than that, the team and league will need a lot of luck, and about all I can do toward that end is send my well wishes, promise to buy AAF-branded apparel, and hope there are plenty of four-leaf clovers in their path.

The eight team league (there is one more franchise still to be named) will start play next February, the week after the Super Bowl. And for a Birmingham boy, this will be the sixth outdoor pro football team I’ll be able to call my own.

And I hope it beats the odds, because my hometown teams have had extremely short shelf lives.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

It’s no secret that the Birmingham Americans (1974) of the World Football League were my first and greatest love. As a 13-year old kid, I didn’t know it was a business – I thought all these guys loved me so much they wanted to show up at Legion Field and play for me whether they got paid or not.

Of course the WFL limped to the finish line that year, and even though the Americans won the World Bowl, the bloom was already off the rose by the time the season ended.

The WFL actually folded after its first season, but reorganized as New League Incorporated (doing business as the WFL) for 1975.

The Americans were replaced by the Vulcans, which had new ownership but the same colors and many of the same players. My dad even owned $25 worth of stock in the franchise, so I felt like a big shot.

I felt like less of a big shot when the WFL folded for good in October, 1975.

Then came the Birmingham Stallions (1983-85) of the United States Football League, a good team in what, in my opinion, was the best non-NFL league to be formed since the American Football League.

It had big names and big talent, and its spring schedule meant it didn’t have to go head-to-head with pro football’s ultimate juggernaut.

But …

New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump convinced the other owners to move to the fall and put all the USFL eggs in an antitrust suit basket.

It won the suit, collected three dollars in damages, and never played again after July, 1985.

I like to think the USFL would’ve survived and thrived had it stuck to its original plan, but it was killed by stupidity. And once it folded, I was pretty jaded about leagues that didn’t have “NFL” as their acronyms.

Having been a New York Jets fan since I was seven, I figured I’d just stick with Gang Green the rest of my days and not get emotionally involved with any of these fly-by-night circuits that parachuted into the Magic City.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t curious – and sometimes even quietly hopeful.

By the time the World League of American Football (1991-92) came along, I was already working for a newspaper and actually covered the Birmingham Fire. Since the league was funded by the NFL I thought it had a chance, and it did live on for years as NFL Europe (and later NFL Europa).

But American cities were only around for two seasons and, quite frankly, it never captivated me. I don’t recall a single memorable game or performance.

Now when the CFL expanded to the United States and the Birmingham Barracudas were founded in 1995, I did allow myself to get excited. Not only was I a longtime fan of the Canadian game (with a rooting interest in the Hamilton Tiger-Cats), but the CFL was an established league.

I was sure its foray into the Lower 48 would be a great success and the Cudas – while sporting a ridiculous nickname – would give me a “home” team in the “Longer, Faster, Wider” circuit.

Nope.

Except for the Baltimore Stallions (reborn as the Montreal Alouettes) the CFL’s expansion in the U.S. was a failure, and Birmingham was one and done.

And that was when I basically washed my hands of pro football in The Ham.

When the XFL came along in 2001 I didn’t care, and when the league folded after one season I still didn’t care. I covered the Birmingham Bolts but can’t say I particularly enjoyed it; I thought the league as a whole was a sleazy misfire.

Now, however, I’m retired from sports writing and have time – once again – to formulate kinships with teams.

So I’ll give the AAF a chance.

I’ll embrace its rule changes (no kickoffs, no PAT kicks) and trust that the league will stock its rosters with the best available talent.

And when AAF officials explain how this league will work even though all others like it have failed, I’ll listen politely and hope they’re right.

And then I’ll wait patiently for the announcement of the Birmingham team’s nickname.

I’m really looking forward to going to Legion Field and yelling, “Charge, Battalion, charge!”

Birmingham is adding a new team and a new league to its pro football history.