Author: Scott Adamson

Jim Bakker has a great end-of-days food deal for you

Remember Jim Bakker?

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

He’s the con man (aka TV evangelist) who used to run the PTL Club, which was funded in large part by gullible people who felt the need to send Jim their money so he could spread whatever people like him spread.

There was a sex scandal (isn’t there always?) that knocked him off his perch, and ultimately he went to prison for embezzlement. Seems his luxury hotel and theme park in Charlotte – Heritage USA – was simply a way for Jim to help Jim, so he bilked cult members (I’m sorry … I meant followers) out of a whole lot of Benjamins.

Anyway, he was indicted in 1988 on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy, and convicted of them all. Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in prison but wound up serving only five.

And you know what that means.

He’s back!

Yep, much like major league baseball managers who get fired and then re-hired, TV evangelists never truly go away until they croak.

And now ol’ Jim is once again broadcasting “live from the Ozark Mountains.” This time, though, his shtick is doomsday prophecy.

At PTL he was a prosperity gospel pioneer. And darn it, he was almost elfin –­ talking really, really nice to his TV audience in hopes they’d sacrifice buying food for their child that week in order to send the Lord some cash. But since the Lord has no checking account, Jim was glad to handle His finances.

These days, though, it’s all doom and gloom, and his guests include an all-star lineup of the nuckin’ futz. It’s like what would happen if Alex Jones ran a church.

The bottom line message is that the end times are at hand, and soon the world will be engulfed in flames while giant CGI creatures turn earth into an unimaginable hellscape. Jim is now bearded and fully gray, so when he bears the horrible news, he looks serious doing so.

But hey, you still gotta eat, right?

And Jim’s still gotta have your money.

So before it’s all consumed by demons and monsters, you need to stock up on supplies.

And, oh, what wonderful supplies Jim has for you!

The best are his Emergency Food Buckets, which are guaranteed to have a shelf life of 25 years.

One deliciously good deal is the $175 deluxe bucket that features a total of 374 servings of “savory, tasty food.”

So, while the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Death, Famine, War and Conquest) battle it out with the Four Horsemen of Notre Dame (Harry Stuhldreher, Don Miller, Jim Crowley, and Elmer Layden), you’ll be eating like kings and queens.

This is assuming, of course, that kings and queens enjoy shit you have to rehydrate to eat, but who knows? Maybe they do.

(Perhaps we had it all wrong and what Marie Antoinette actually said was, “Let them eat MREs.”)

There’s also a 30-day “Fiesta Bucket” for the low, end-of-days price of $100.

This is for those of us who want to spend our last days enjoying Mexican food. And let’s be honest – when that giant sea  creature comes on the land and starts wreaking havoc, there ain’t gonna be no Taco Bells open.

But really, these are all just quick fixes that won’t be nearly enough to see you through the tribulation.

Nope.

If you’re in the end times for the long haul, I suggest you go with the $3,700 “Time of Trouble Tasty Pantry Deluxe” plan.

This features 10,472 servings (that’s seven years of food, according to Brother Jim) and it’s a $10,995 value.

But wait!

There’s more!

If you act now, you’ll also receive the “Birthday Gift To Baby Jesus Shocking Prophecies” DVD as well as 12 Christmas ornaments.

So while you’re eating powdered eggs and a substance that has a faint bacon taste, you can scare the crap out of the kiddies by watching sin porn – and decorating the tree.

By the way, the 12 free ornaments are “randomly chosen” so there’s no way of knowing what you’ll wind up with. But for nearly four grand, there by God better be an angel tree topper in there somewhere.

Now in fairness to Jim, he wants to do more than just feed you.

His store also features fuel, generators, tools, medical supplies – pretty much everything you’ll need to fight off the hounds of hell. And you can do it on a full stomach thanks to these mighty fine food buckets.

However, you need to act fast.

Jim is pretty sure the world is going to end in his lifetime.

And I’m pretty sure he needs you to help pay for his new swimming pool before it does.

The American League of Canadian Football

(This column was originally published on Dec. 13, 2017).

Back when I worked for a living, I used to talk about the Canadian Football League so much that it became a bit of a joke among my fellow sports writers.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

Since the colleges in my primary orbit were Clemson, South Carolina and Georgia, I could always be counted on to stay on top of which Tigers, Gamecocks and Bulldogs were in the CFL.

And as a UAB graduate, I keep a close on any Blazers who might find their way onto rosters as “internationals.”

Thing is, the CFL is not a novelty for me. I legitimately love it.

You might remember the league tried its “American experiment” a couple of decades ago in which franchises were placed in the United States. Personally, I thought the plan was terrific and had high hopes it would last.

Of course, it didn’t.

The CFL is not just a league of unique rules, it’s also very Canadian culturally, and the feng shui of tackle football dictates that the CFL have teams in Canadian cities only.

I get that, and respect it.

But since I now have a lot of free time on my hands, I’ve used an inordinate amount of it thinking about professional sports leagues that I would like to form.

One is the Global Football League, which I’ll address in a future column.

But the one nearest and dearest to my heart is the one I’ll write about today – the American League of Canadian Football.

Yep, the ALCF would bring the Canadian pro game to the Lower 48, giving Americans their own version of the CFL.

That means the ALCF would adopt most of the rules used by the CFL, such as:

  • A playing field 110 yards long and 65 yards wide.
  • Goal posts situated on the goal line.
  • Three downs to make 10 yards and a first down.
  • Twelve players to a side (extra slotback on offense, extra secondary player on defense).
  • All backs allowed in motion toward the line of scrimmage.
  • No fair catches on punt returns.
  • Fumbled balls that go out of bounds belong to the last team to touch the ball.
  • Kicking teams awarded a single point for missed field goals or punts that are downed in the end zone by the receiving team.
  • Players who line up behind the kicker on a punt or field goal try may recover an “onside” kick.

Now remember I said the ALCF would adopt most rules of the CFL. One change would be the depth of end zones, which span 20 yards in the CFL. This was a problem that plagued the American experiment since many stadiums were not built to accommodate such lengthy playing fields.

So, while 20-yard deep end zones are desirable, teams will have to improvise and just make them as deep as possible (just think about the varied sizes of outfields in baseball and it makes better sense).

OK, now that we’ve got the rules set, we have to select cities.

This is the tough part.

When most leagues are formed, the first order of business is to get teams in major media markets for the purposes of advertising and TV revenue. Problem is, it’ll be impossible for the ALCF to compete with cities that field NFL teams.

So we won’t.

Instead, the 10-team ALCF will place its flagship franchises in Birmingham, Memphis, Norfolk, Orlando, Portland, Rochester, Sacramento, San Antonio, Tulsa and Wichita.

I’ve even gone to the trouble of giving the teams nicknames for you: Birmingham Battalion, Memphis Blues, Norfolk Mariners, Orlando Coasters, Portland Brews, Rochester Boom, Sacramento Rivermen, San Antonio Sol, Tulsa Oilers and Wichita Flight.

Following the CFL model, each team would play two exhibition games before embarking on an 18-game regular season that begins in June of each year. And, like their Canadian counterparts, the average salary for an ALCF player would be roughly $80,000 per season.

Am I the only person who has dreamed of such a league?

Maybe not.

I’m a member of a great Facebook group, “CFL Fans In SEC Country,” which features hardcore, knowledgeable fans – some who even venture to the Grey Cup every year.

But are there enough of them to put down seed money for the ALCF and make me commissioner?

That’s another story.

If they can pull it off, though, we’ll all have a helluva party when the Battalion hosts the Blues in the 2020 season opener.

Toronto alone at the top of MLS

By Scott Adamson
Adamsonmedia.com

Toronto FC capped off the greatest season in Major League Soccer history on Saturday with a 2-0 victory over Seattle Sounders FC in the MLS Cup.

The clash – a rematch of last year’s final won by the Sounders – served as the 2017 curtain call for North American professional club soccer.

Toronto (20-5-9) controlled the match from start to finish, dominating possession and keeping Seattle back peddling from wire-to-wire before 30,584 fans at BMO Field in Toronto.

Goalkeeper Stefan Frei was the only reason 2016’s champions stayed close as he made save after save before Most Valuable Player Jozy Altidore split a pair of defenders and punched in the game-winner in the 67th minute. Victor Vazquez closed the door in stoppage time with a rebound goal that made it 2-0, delivering Toronto the first treble in 22 seasons of MLS soccer.

Aside from claiming the Supporters’ Shield while racking up the most regular season points (69) an MLS team has ever recorded, Greg Vanney’s squad also won the Canadian Championship.

Alexander Bono got the clean sheet for the victors, making two saves. Toronto outshot Seattle, 22-7, and had 11 corner kicks to just three for the visitors.

Frei did all he could for the Sounders (14-9-11), making nine stops.

Toronto’s goals were the only ones scored against Seattle during the 2017 postseason.

 

STATE OF THE LEAGUE

The 2017 MLS Cup proved to be a fine season finale for the circuit that began play in 1996.

After suffering from severe growing pains (it lost an estimated $350 million over its first eight seasons and also underwent contraction) the top tier of soccer in the United States and Canada has since demonstrated stability and sustained growth. In addition, its commitment to soccer-specific stadiums across the league suggests a league that will be part of American sport’s long game.

Currently with 23 franchises and targeting 28 teams in the coming years, MLS might still not be mentioned alongside the NFL, Major League baseball, NBA and NHL, but it has unquestionably carved out a sizable niche.

 

ATTENDANCE

The 2017 regular season saw a league average of 22,112 fans per game (up nearly 2 percent from 2016), and expansion club Atlanta United FC was far and away the most successful at the box office with an incredible 71,874 fans-per-game average.

Seattle drew 44,370 per match while DC United saw 41,418 supporters show up for their home contests.

 

EXPANSION

Next Thursday the MLS board of governors will discuss expansion, and the cities under consideration are Cincinnati, Detroit, Nashville and Sacramento.

Those four were culled from 12 cities that submitted bids back in January and two will be selected to begin play in 2020 – probably.

Los Angeles FC will start next season and a Miami entry associated with David Beckham was expected to be the 24th active MLS franchise.

However, nothing has yet been finalized with Beckham’s ownership group, meaning one of the two expansion hopefuls could “cut in line.”

 

ALLOCATION MONEY

The board on Friday approved an increase in Targeted Allocation Money (TAM) available to each club.

While each team will receive an allotment of $1.2 million each year through 2019, they may also spend an additional $2.8 million (on a discretionary basis) in 2018 and 2019.

The TAM initiative began in 2015 with the idea of giving franchises “increased resources to add, or retain, players that will make an immediate impact on the field.”

The TAM is geared toward roster spots beyond the three Designated Players on each team. According to MLS Communications, The Designated Player Rule “allows clubs to acquire up to three players whose total compensation and acquisition costs exceed the maximum budget charge, with the club bearing financial responsibility for the amount of compensation above each player’s budget charge.”