I want to buy the XFL

San Antonio proved spring pro football was popular in that city. (Photo by Ronald Cortes/Getty Images)

Welp, I finally got my gubment stimulus debit card and I think I’m gonna use it to try to buy the XFL.

Scott Adamson writes about alternative football leagues whenever he feels like it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60

Why not? It’s in bankruptcy and will supposedly come cheap, and I’m about as cheap as they come. The auction isn’t scheduled until August, but I figured I’d go ahead and put my plans out there now so everyone will know where I stand.

NEW NAME

XFL, as you know, doesn’t stand for anything.

When the first version was founded in 2001, early claims were that it was short for “Extreme Football League.” Founder Vince McMahon said that wasn’t the case. Plus, had it been the Extreme Football League the acronym would’ve been EFL.

Also, the original XFL sucked.

The XFL that was rebooted 19 years later did not, in fact, suck. As far as minor league pro football goes, I thought it was a fine product. Still, it made it through only half of a regular season before it was forced to shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Even though the second attempt at the XFL didn’t die by its own hand, it still died. And now when you think of it, you think of failure.

It’s why the Ford Motor Company hasn’t tried to revive the Edsel, why the Coca-Cola Company won’t give New Coke another try, and why DC Entertainment and De Line Pictures aren’t making “Green Lantern II.”

Right or wrong, some names have negative connotations and the bad publicity is hard to shake.

If I decided to go with a blast from the past rebrand, I’d call what used to be the XFL the Continental Football League. That would honor what was arguably the United States’ best minor football league.

Better yet, though, I’ll just go with the North American Football League. This name has been used by semi-pro circuits and leagues that failed to launch, but I don’t think there’d be much of a legal tussle if I decided to use it for my XFL makeover. If there is, I’ll call one of those lawyers with the 999-9999 numbers and take ’em to court.

FRANCHISE CHANGES

If you take a look at the 2020 XFL and the 2019 Alliance of American Football, you can see there are some cities that are much more enthusiastic about spring football than others.

In the XFL, the St. Louis BattleHawks and Seattle Dragons were far and away the most popular teams among fans, with the Hawks averaging 28,541 paying customers per game and the Dragons pulling in 25,616.

In the AAF, the San Antonio Commanders led the league with 27,721 fans per game while the San Diego Fleet and Orlando Apollos flirted with close to 20,000 supporters for their home contests.

So, I’d make sure those five cities were in the NAFL and think of getting rid of some of the teams that drew poorly.

One problem is that you need major markets for TV purposes, and unfortunately New York and Los Angeles were two of the biggest box office disappointments in the XFL.

Not sure what I’ll do about that, so I’ll wait until my bid is approved before considering the matter further.

RULE TWEAKS

For the most part I thought the 2020 XFL’s rule package was excellent – especially the low-collision kickoffs and the banning of gunners on punt teams.

And while the gimmick of one, two and three-point conversions was cool at first, that novelty wore off quickly.

Instead, I’d steal from the old World Football League and make touchdowns worth seven points (with a single point conversion attempted via a run or pass from the two and a half yard line).

And the one rule I’ve always wanted to see in an alternative football league is the defense getting a tangible reward for forcing turnover, whether it’s a fumble or interception. So if the Dragons pick off a Commanders pass, they score a point.

Anyway, those are my bright ideas for bringing the league formerly known as the XFL back to life. I truly think if my offer is accepted, it’ll be $1,200 well-spent.

Wish me luck.

Remembering the Birmingham Grasshoppers

When you talk about soccer in the state of Alabama – and specifically Birmingham – the conversation probably needs to start with Preston Goldfarb.

A driving force in the sport since the 1970s, Goldfarb retired as head coach of the Birmingham-Southern College Panthers in 2015 after compiling a 363-250-52 record over 33 seasons. During that time his teams claimed 10 regular season, seven conference and three regional championships, and 35 players earned All-American honors – with two (Greg Vinson and Thorsten Damm) receiving National Player of the Year accolades.

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Bluesky @scottadamson1960.bsky.social

In addition, Goldfarb’s BSC squads produced five conference players of the year, 38 all-region picks, 35 All-Americans and 41 Academic All-Americans as the school competed at the NAIA, NCAA Division I and NCAA Division III levels.

Oh, did I mention he started the program from scratch?

But while the story of his BSC days make for a great success story, they don’t tell the whole story. And that leads me back to the 1990s when Goldfarb – and the Birmingham Grasshoppers – introduced me to homegrown soccer for the first time.

Competing in the United Systems of Independent Soccer Leagues (USISL) long before it transitioned into the modern United Soccer League, the Grasshoppers gave Goldfarb another outlet to showcase his expertise in the “Beautiful Game.”

“I was hoping to start a team in the USISL in order to give our players a place to continue playing during the off season and summer,” Goldfarb said. “I first had to apply to the NCAA to ensure all our players and team were allowed to remain amateurs, while playing against professional teams. In actuality, our first season (1993) was a trial for us, to make sure this was something I wanted to pursue, as we played a very limited schedule. After the 1993 season, we decided to go full time.”

The structure of the USISL was such that teams had the option to use pro or amateur players, and the Grasshoppers chose the latter route. In fact, a quick look at the 1993 roster shows 17 players were also BSC student-athletes.

“We started to solicit sponsors and get the media behind us by doing a story about the league and our team,” Goldfarb remembers. “Once we accomplished those two things, we then put out word to college coaches in the state and area, asking for potential players to come for a tryout. You know, I wasn’t sure we would evolve into a great soccer area due to this being an American football kingdom. However, understanding that, we wanted just a small piece of the fan base that were true soccer fans. I always felt that having a strong soccer fan base to support our team was the most important aspect of our program.

“I also felt that if we could incorporate a youth team and ultimately start more youth teams under the Grasshopper umbrella, it would be the greatest move to our program in getting the grassroots of a real soccer club in motion. It was modeled after clubs in Germany and Europe, as that was my coaching background.”

The Grasshoppers provided quality soccer during hot afternoons on the BSC campus, and for those of us who wanted a “team of our own” they fit the bill nicely. Looking back, the club had plenty of young men who would go on to leave even bigger footprints in soccer.

Grasshoppers’ goalkeeper Daryl Shore, for example, is now the head coach and technical director of Forward Madison of USL League One.

Vinson – also a keeper on the club in its inaugural season – succeeded Goldfarb as coach of BSC and is heading into his fifth season guiding the Panthers.

Many of the players, in fact, extended their careers beyond the Hoppers, although Goldfarb said turning the club into a play-for-pay team was not part of his plan.

“I never had hopes that we would evolve into a professional team as I didn’t want that for my players,” he said. “But I did want the league to evolve. Once (Major League Soccer) became a reality, the USISL became the USL and a second division professional league. I actually was invited to Las Vegas to learn about the MLS starting and to see if Birmingham was a potential landing spot for a franchise. I didn’t think we were ready for that at that time. But, it was really interesting to go and learn about the new pro league.”

Still, the Grasshoppers made their mark – with their coach and with those of us who cheered them on years before the Birmingham Legion gave the Magic City bona fide pro soccer.

And the good memories from the good old days are plentiful.

“All our players that hung with us were very special,” Goldfarb said. “Probably the most important game I remember most was the division championship game at our field against the Lexington Bandits to see who would advance to the Sizzling Nine Championship tournament in Greensboro, N.C. We did win and qualify, but more importantly, we held a fundraiser at the game for the Children of Rwanda and were even covered by USA Today for doing that.

“That was my most special game for sure on both levels.”

After guiding the USISL squad to a 32-29-0 worksheet, Goldfarb decided to fold the club in 1996. The coach said it was becoming too expensive to keep afloat and the grind was wearing down his athletes.

“It became diminishing returns for my players,” he said. “What I mean is that they were getting extremely tired coming into our fall college season and injuries were happening. So, it was more important for my college team to be well-rested and injury-free coming into the college season in August for preseason training.”

In Goldfarb’s mind, however, the idea of such teams and leagues remains a good one.

“I do think there will always be a place for successful lower leagues in our country,” he said. “It will always afford players a place to play for those not wanting to stop playing after college and for those in college to have a place to play during the off season and summer months.”

Although the Grasshoppers are gone, Goldfarb has remained a major force in the game. He was one of the key movers and shakers in helping Birmingham earn a host site for Olympic soccer during the 1996 Atlanta Games and thus turn BSC into an Olympic Village.

He also led two different men’s teams to gold medals in the World Maccabiah Games, the last coming in 2017. That group is first team to win back-to-back men’s soccer championships in the event’s 80-year history.

All told, Goldfarb has an overall coaching mark of 414-284-53.

The soccer pitch at BSC now bears his name, and Goldfarb has been inducted into the NAIA, Birmingham-Southern College Sports and Jewish Sports Heritage halls of fame.

But while he built BSC into a national power and gave Birmingham its first taste of pro soccer, he hopes one day the game will reach its full potential in the United States.

Under its current closed system with MLS at the top of the pyramid, America’s soccer structure is one of no reward, no punishment for on-field results.

“In my opinion, in order for soccer to flourish and become an international success, we must begin a promotion and relegation soccer league,” Goldfarb said. “That is the only way to improve soccer in this country. Competition is relative to improvement and if we have no promotion or relegation from lower leagues, there is no incentives to improve as you know you will always be in the top leagues with no pressure of competition to improve.”

Stay home and play

In an effort to not make others sick or get sick ourselves during the COVID-19 pandemic, Mary and I have taken the whole “Stay At Home” initiative quite seriously. Except for necessary (and brief) runs to the grocery store every couple of weeks, we’re staying put.

Scott Adamson’s humor column appears whenever he has a funny feeling. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60

Naturally, changes to your routine can be unsettling regardless of the situation, and there are some people who are dealing with this by bitching and moaning.

We are not those people.

Instead, we’re doing what we can to make the best of this unique and challenging time.

How?

Thanks for asking.

Using my child-like imagination and middle school-like maturity, I have created five games that many of you might find fun and interesting. Some are not for everyone, but every one is for some – or something to that effect.

Anyway, here’s a quick guide to my stay-at-home fun:

PLAY DRESS-UP

If you’ve got clothes, you can play dress up.

During a quarantine you’re in danger of falling into a rut and wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt – or in my case, a cape and cowl – all the time. But sometimes it’s nice to put on “good” clothes even if all you’re doing is walking back and forth to the mail box.

Last week I wore a sports coat and tank top while vacuuming, and just yesterday I did laundry in tube socks, a sweater vest and bicycle shorts.

If you have a feather boa in the closet (and who doesn’t?), pair it with a snappy pair of capris and take a stroll around the block.

Mix, match – just have fun. No judgment here.

MORON GRASS CUTTING

I’ve always enjoyed cutting the yard because it’s a way to spend some quality time with myself. But to increase the fun factor during the pandemic, I now pretend that I’m participating in a competitive sport.

As a member of the Mower Operator Racing Organization Network (MORON), I square off against other international grass-cutting stars in an effort to win the Jug O’ Gas Trophy, the award reserved for MORON’s champion.

On Friday I was running on fumes but still managed to hold off my friend and biggest rival, Canada’s Geddy Lee.

(I realize Geddy Lee is also the name of the guy in Rush, but this is a different Geddy Lee. They’re probably related, though. I’ll ask him when I see him at the pre-race Media Day next week).

SOCKLESS SOCK PUPPET SHOWS

I’ve always found sock puppetry entertaining, but I learned pretty early on that it was just hands inside socks. So, I simply do sock puppetry barehanded.

Really, it’s more entertaining this way.

You can make your hands look like dogs, sharks or even just talking hands if you don’t want to think too much. And the show lasts as long or as short as you’re comfortable with.

By next weekend I’m hoping to perform a sockless puppet show version of “The Godfather,” although I can’t quite figure out how to do the scene where Sonny gets ambushed on the Jones Beach Causeway.

IN-HOUSE BED AND BREAKFAST

I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast and, obviously, won’t be going to one in the foreseeable future. That doesn’t mean I can’t turn my own abode into one.

And the best part is it’s easy because all you really need to do is just rearrange the furniture.

For example, in our den the futon is against the wall and there are rocking chairs in the corners of the room. But, if I move the futon into the center of the room and put the rockers on either side, the feng shui is dramatically altered.

Once this is done I go out my front door and then re-enter, where I’ll say something like, “Oh, Mr. Adamson, what a lovely bed and breakfast you have. I look forward to staying here and watching your sockless sock puppet show.”

Then I’ll go to bed, wake up, eat a Pop-Tart, write myself a check to pay for my stay at the B&B, and drive around the block.

This will give Mary enough time to put the furniture back in place so that when I return I can come inside and say, “That B&B was nice, but I sure am glad to be back home.”

WITNESS PROTECTION GAME

Finally, I give you my favorite activity – one in which I change my appearance and assume a new identity to protect me and my family from the Mob. (As far as I know the Mob isn’t actually after me and/or my family, but it’s part of the fantasy and sometimes your past catches up with you).

A few weeks into the lockdown my hair got thick and long and my beard grew scraggly. Luckily for me Mary is a pretty darn good amateur cosmetologist and she thinned out my locks and gave me a short, tight cut.

Afterwards, I shaved off my beard.

The difference in my look is pretty startling, especially since I have a very small mouth. In fact, when I pucker, I look a bit like an anus with eyeglasses.

So, for the purpose of this week’s Witness Protection Game, I have been relocated to Gresham, Oregon, and now go by the name “Guy Assface.”