I think it’s safe to say that Mary and I have fully adjusted to quarantine life.
Scott Adamson’s humor column appears whenever he has a funny feeling. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60
While millions of our fellow Americans seem content to pretend COVID-19 is no big deal, we’re erring on the side of science, following recommendations from immunologists, and using common sense. This means we’ll stay home as much as we can – at least until our sentient ape overlords take control of the planet and give us the all-clear signal.
When we do have to go out, we wear masks and stay as far away from people as possible. But in order to steer clear of harm’s way we buy up a bunch of food during our trips and try to make it last. This has been a learning experience for me because I’m ashamed to admit I used to be pretty wasteful when it comes to grub.
Take loaves of bread, for example. As you know, they come with “end pieces” or “heels.” In the past, I considered end pieces the children of a lesser flour god and never thought about eating them. Not only do they look vastly different from the other pieces of bread, but they also get abused every time you open the package. Since they serve as the first line of defense before you get to the cool-looking slices, the heels get touched and nicked and quickly start to look like Leatherface from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
When I would get down to the two end pieces, I’d thoughtlessly put them in the garbage can. (One time I allegedly threw them at our neighbor across the street, but my lawyer has advised me not to comment on that situation until we find out if the CCTV footage is admissible in court).
Well friends, those days are over. Now, the heels of bread are honored members of our diet, serving as wonderful vessels for spreads such as peanut butter.
Speaking of which …
We go through a nutload of peanut butter, and did so even before the pandemic. Give me a peanut butter and fig preserve sandwich (possibly served between end pieces) and I feel like I’m eating like Queen Elizabeth – providing Queen Elizabeth eats peanut butter and fig preserve sandwiches.
There was a time, however, when I would often toss the jar of PB away while it still had stuff inside. It was easier to simply open a new jar instead of scrounging for remnants.
I shouldn’t have done that.
Nowadays I scrape and scratch and dig for every last bite of butter – right down to going full Winnie the Pooh and sticking my nose and tongue in the jar.
(The next time I’m faced with that situation I’m going to put on a red shirt and take off my pants to get the full Pooh experience).
We’re also big into fruit bowls – not the container itself but bowls filled with actual, edible fruit. Mary will dice up cantaloupe and pineapple and mix the pieces in with blueberries and that makes for a nice snack, especially during the summer months. Thing is, after a couple of days the cantaloupe gets bored and turns translucent.
There’s nothing really wrong with it – it just loses some of its flavor and is a tad off-putting from a visual standpoint. In the pre-COVID era such chunks would be chunked, but now even the see-through pieces of cantaloupe get gobbled.
And finally, there’s the potato chip issue.
A staple of my diet since I was a child, I used to take great pleasure in opening a bag and carefully pulling out a large, unbroken crisp. None were ever completely round and often came in interesting shapes. I remember one back in 2014 that looked like former Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev’s head, although I sometimes wonder why I’d remember the shape of Gorbachev’s head 23 years after he left office.
Anyway, I would eat all of the whole chips before finally consenting to nosh on the half chips, but once I got down to the quarter chips, I’d throw the bag away.
Not anymore.
I now devour every last piece of chip dust to the point that – when I’m done – there is nothing remaining in the bag but the bag itself.
One day – maybe five, 10 years down the road – the coronavirus crisis will hopefully pass, but I’m confident the lessons learned from quarantine will stick with me.
Going forward I’ll continue to respect bread heels, enjoy peanut butter to the last drop, and leave no chip behind.
Oh, and I’ll probably still stay away from most of you people. It’s nothing personal – I just don’t want to have to share what’s left of my peanut butter.
Anyone remember what you were doing on July 4, 1995?
Scott Adamson writes about alternative football leagues whenever he feels like it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60
For many of you it was probably just a run-of-the-mill holiday. It likely involved some combination of beer, baked beans and fireworks, because nothing screams “Fourth of July!” like alcohol, gas, and noisy pyrotechnics.
But that particular Independence Day was different for me – and special. It marked the beginning of what I thought would be Birmingham’s first long-term relationship with professional football.
The Birmingham Barracudas opened their inaugural Canadian Football League regular season on the road against the Winnipeg Blue Bombers that night, and I was thrilled. I had to work – I was in my ninth year as sports editor of The Daily Home newspaper in Talladega, Alabama – but the game didn’t kick off until 8:30 p.m. local time.
We’d go to press before the clash ended, so I’d be able to listen to the first half of the radio broadcast in the office and follow the rest of it at home. And I hadn’t been this excited about a tackle football contest in a long, long time.
See, Birmingham natives like me have been jilted plenty of times when it comes to the pro game.
The Birmingham Americans of the World Football League lasted just one season in 1974.
Their WFL replacement – the Vulcans – made it through 12 games in 1975 before expiring along with the rest of the league.
The United States Football League and Birmingham Stallions played from 1983-85, and the World League of American Football’s Birmingham Fire had a two-year run in 1991-92.
The Cudas, I firmly believed, would be nothing like those franchises. All the other teams that had called the Magic City home were in start-up organizations, but the CFL had legs, baby.
Its roots were long and deep and the modern league was officially established in 1958. Aside from the National Football League, there was no other pro gridiron circuit in North America with that kind of staying power. It had great tradition, unique rules and I thought it was a perfect match.
“Fans have supported the teams that were here before,” Birmingham coach Jack Pardee, who coached the WFL Florida Blazers and USFL Houston Gamblers, said during a preseason news conference. “The leagues have been the failures, not the teams, and that’s why I’m here. At my age (58) and experience, I didn’t care about pioneering again.”
So this July 4 would be a day to celebrate not just America’s birthday, but the day Canada gifted Birmingham a new and long life in professional football.
Details of the game don’t matter – but I’ll provide some anyway.
Birmingham won, 38-10, racking up 31 first half points including pick sixes courtesy of Andre Strode and Junior Thurman.
Jimmy Klingler was filling in for starting quarterback Matt Dunigan, who was sidelined with a finger injury, and connected on a 95-yard touchdown pass in the blowout.
It was the first of 18 regular season games but I knew there’d be countless more to come because – for the first time – Birmingham was in an established league.
But as I found out before the calendar flipped to 1996 (and after Birmingham finished 10-9 with a first round playoff loss to the San Antonio Texans), it’s called the Canadian Football League for a reason.
Except for the Baltimore Stallions, most American fans were rather cool to the idea of CFL football being played in their backyards. Still, when I heard people suggest there were financial issues and it might not cut it in the Lower 48, I simply put my fingers in my ears and shouted, “La, la, la.”
I didn’t want to hear it, even though it was true (and even though as a sports writer I should’ve taken off my maple leaf colored glasses).
While the CFL brain trust thought expansion to the United States would be a boon it ultimately proved to be a bust, and threatened to drag the league down with it if the chord wasn’t cut.
Baltimore (1994-95), the Shreveport Pirates (1994-95) and the Sacramento Gold Miners (1993-94) were the only American-based CFL teams to last more than a year.
The Barracudas, Texans (relocated from Sacramento), and Memphis Mad Dogs were one and done in 1995, and the Las Vegas Posse played a lone season in 1994.
When the league kicked off the 1996 campaign it was back to nine teams – all based in Canada.
Was I naïve to think the Barracudas would survive and thrive a quarter century ago?
Yes.
Would I be naïve to think Birmingham will ever keep professional football on a long-term basis?
Yes.
Since the failed CFL experiment, Birmingham has been home to the XFL Bolts and Alliance of American Football Iron. The Freedom Football League – should it ever get off the ground – is supposed to have a team in Birmingham nicknamed the Kings.
But really, the end of the Cudas marked the end of my confidence that the Magic City will ever find a forever home in a professional football league.
The USAFL fields amateur clubs all across the country./photo courtesy of the USAFL
Those of us who are men and women of a certain age remember ESPN before it came of age.
Scott Adamson writes about alternative football leagues because it makes him happy. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60
When the fledgling network went on the air in 1979 it had no rights to major American sporting events, so there were tractor pulls and talk shows to fill up airtime. However, it was the broadcast of Victorian Football League matches that opened up a whole new world for fans like me.
Australian Rules football (now playing under the Australian Football League umbrella after abandoning the VFL brand in 1989) is a wonderful hybrid of American football, Gaelic football, rugby, soccer and bar fight. After being introduced to the game by the “Worldwide Leader In Sports” I remained interested even after ESPN shifted its attention to what United States fans considered more traditional athletic competition.
Still, I often wondered how “footy” might be received if there were clubs not just in places like Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne and Adelaide but New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta and Philadelphia.
Turns out there’s no need to wonder.
Although currently sidelined by the COVID-19 pandemic like many other sports, the United States Australian Football League has been around for 25 years. Introduced in 1996 and featuring amateur clubs from coast to coast, the USAFL helps coordinate men’s, women’s and junior programs across the country.
“2021 will be the USAFL’s 25th season, and we’ve gone from six teams in 1997 to 46 this year from Maine to Hawaii, with a couple in development hoping to join the league in the next few months,” USAFL media manager Brian Barrish said. “In the league’s early days, there were a lot of clubs in the Midwest and in California/Arizona. The upper Midwest is probably the most active, with clubs in Columbus, Cincinnati, Chicago, Indianapolis, Louisville, Madison/Milwaukee, Minnesota, and Des Moines thriving. The game has also grown in Texas (Austin, Houston, Dallas), and in the Pacific Northwest (Seattle and Portland). Recently, we’re starting to see a big push to get clubs started in the Southeast, which only had three or four clubs for the longest time.
“New teams have sprung up in Savannah, Jacksonville, Tampa, Rome (Georgia), and Richmond, to go with our established clubs in Atlanta, Raleigh, and Ft. Lauderdale.”
At first glance Aussie Rules football seems like organized chaos, but the basic rules of the pro game aren’t that difficult to follow.
The field is a huge oval (between 148 and 202 yards long and 120 to 170 yards wide).
“Finding spaces for us to play has its challenges; essentially you need to find an open space that is big enough for us to build a field that doesn’t have too many holes or baseball diamonds surrounding it,” Barrish said. “I’ve called matches and played on everything from polo grounds to public parks to the infield of a harness track (Rosemont Raceway in Maryland, to be exact). For regular season play, we just set out cones (they call them witch’s hats in Australia) for the field and the squares, and then make posts out of PVC pipes fitted over metal stakes. That last part is a bit of a complication sometimes as some parks don’t like you making holes in their field, even if they’re small and manageable. But, most teams usually have two or three places to play in case of scheduling issues and last-minute issues such as weather.”
Games are contested by teams made up of 18 players per side and a match is divided into four 20-minute quarters.
Four posts are located at each end of the field; a kick between the two taller middle posts scores a goal – worth 6 points – while one that goes between the two outer and shorter posts scores 1 point, known as a behind.
Single points are also scored if a ball goes through any of the posts without being kicked by the attacking team (say it comes off the hands of a player on either team or is kicked by a defender) or if the defense forces the ball between the posts it’s defending.
In terms of advancing the ball, teams do so by kicking or hand-passing, and players with possession of the ball and can run no more than 16 yards while holding it before bouncing it off the ground.
OK, now that I’ve written it down it does look difficult to follow, but if you familiarize yourself with the rules and watch a few matches, it all starts to make sense.
“In terms of players, we have everyone from Aussie ex-pats to Americans who saw the game on TV years ago and wanted to try their hand at it,” Barrish explained. “Recruiting looks very different from club to club, depending on everything from the number of colleges to the bar scene and everything in between. There are a lot of Australians that are over here for work, school, or family. The Americans have come through word of mouth or having seen the game in Australia, among other ways. Just under 75 percent of our players, however, are American. Roughly 25 percent are Australian. And while we haven’t grown in the total number players as much as we would like, the fact that we’ve gone from a mostly ex-pat Australian league to a mostly American program is a big win in my book. Helping this is our rule that at least 50 percent of the players on the field for a USAFL game must be American (or ‘National’ players). This requires teams to actively recruit locally and help grow the game at the grassroots level and not simply ‘import’ Aussies.”
More Americans playing, of course, means more have the chance to excel at the game.
“It’s worth mentioning that we have at least one team – the Des Moines Roosters – that is completely American,” Barrish said. “Ninety percent of our women players are American, which is fantastic for the growth and helpful for growing a pathway to play at the AFLW level, as evidenced by Dani Marshall’s signing with the Western Bulldogs this year.”
Although the formation and function of clubs varies from town to town, a sense of community is a common denominator. The roots of the game and its history help bring the teams and players together.
In addition, the AFL provides the USAFL with a yearly grant that assists in operations.
“We are also in constant communication with them about our development and about promoting the game on both sides of the Pacific,” Barrish said. “The inspiration for club culture comes from the regional Aussie Rules clubs in Australia. Many of the teams were founded by Australians who played in those clubs and wanted to establish them under similar principles to what they had back home. I got the chance to travel with the U.S. teams to Melbourne for the 2017 AFL International Cup, and we were hosted by several local clubs during the two weeks we were there. There were post-training meals, pre-game gatherings, and a real sense of family there. In the mountain town of Montrose, for example, there were people who had been a part of the club in some capacity for 50-plus years, and whose children and grandchildren had grown up playing for the team. We’re talking the equivalent of AA or AAA baseball here, but there is a lot of local pride here.
“What I will say, having been around just about every club in the league, is that each one has a different dynamic. But, it’s all positive, and it’s all about growing something sustainable. We’re not like, say, softball leagues, where we get together once a week, play a game, have a beer and go home. We celebrate Australia Day, we have ANZAC Day commemorations, and many of our clubs have social and fundraising events throughout the year. And it is really like a family, both on the club and at the national level.”
So could there come a day when Aussies Rules clubs develop a pay-for-play model?
“I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility,” Barrish said. “The big issue would be finding facilities that could host full-on matches. I know there is talk of someone building a bunch of cricket stadia across the country and that would be a great way to add more events to those facilities. In the absence of that, it would need to be in a smaller format. The AFL tested something called AFLX over the last two years – it was played on soccer fields with modified rules, a la Rugby 7s. Something like that would work for a league or a touring competition here. What that would look like, I don’t know; do you have players at the top of their game coming over to live and play in the States? Do you bring over retired players a la the Big 3 Basketball and mix in American players who have come up through the USAFL, or converted athletes?”
As far as Barrish is concerned, the USAFL remains the best way to showcase a sport that features highly skilled athletes playing a crowd-pleasing game.
“I’m a big believer in the growth of the grass roots effort that the USAFL has laid down over the past quarter of a century,” he said. “It would be great if that got more attention on both sides of the Pacific before anything semi-pro or professional emerged. We need more people, specifically more locals, being involved in the sport in order to be successful, and the focus should be on that first.”
For more information on the league, go to www.usafl.com.