Me and My Monster

Pearl Tanner leaned over, gently kissed Jerius on the head, and fluffed his pillow.

“You good … you need to go to the bathroom or anything?” she asked.

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“No, mama,” he said, smiling. “I’m all set.”

Pearl got up, stretched, and eyed the child’s room, which was painted mint green. On the wall behind Jerius’s bed was a giant poster of the Gill-man from “The Creature of the Black Lagoon,” while the far wall with a small window had three different drawings of King Kong – the last showing him swatting at biplanes while atop the Empire State Building.

And instead of a lamp, the centerpiece of his nightstand was a large skull that doubled as a candleholder. Once the overhead light went out, Pearl lit the wick.

“OK,” she said. “Lemme check for monsters.”

She walked toward the closet door, opened it, glanced at hanging clothes and a scattering of toys, and closed it. She then knelt down and lifted up the blanket slightly so she could peer under his bed.

“No monsters in the closet and no monsters under the bed,” she said. “No monsters anywhere in the house. Same as it was last night and the night before. The only monsters here are the ones on your wall.”

“Mama, you know I’m not scared of monsters,” he said proudly. “Monsters ain’t gonna hurt me.”

Pearl laughed.

“Well, of course not. No such thing, anyway. It’s like that big ol’ fish-looking thing there on the wall – it’s scary looking in the movie, but it’s just a man in a fish suit. And the monkey who climbed that building? He looks mean, but he’s just a story … a fun story, but just a story. I kinda suspected you already knew that, but just for fun I started checking for monsters when you were a little thing and just never got out of the habit. You never were the type to get scared, though, I’ll give you that.”

Pearl blew Jerius a kiss, ignited the candle and switched off the light.

“Goodnight, sugar,” she said as she left his bedroom. “Sweet dreams.”

Jerius could hear his mom walk down the hallway, and the squeak of her bedroom door and the click of the lock signaled that the coast was clear.

“Pssst … Eddie. You can come out now.”

The door to Jerius’s closet cracked and a gnarled gray hand with curled claws gripped the side and pushed it open. Eddie looked like a three-foot tall garden gnome – if garden gnomes were covered in wiry, brown fur. He had small blue eyes, no apparent nose and a triangular mouth that displayed jagged, yellow teeth.

He walked slowly – and with a wobble – but once he reached the side of Jerius’s bed, he effortlessly jumped up and plopped on the mattress.

“Hello, J,” Eddie said in a soft, child-like voice. “What’s the plan tonight?”

Jerius let out a belly laugh and his nurse, Rhonda, cracked a smile as she handed him his medication. He had told the story to the staff at the Franklin Assisted Living Facility for years, and it never got old – at least not to him.

“That’s the absolutely, 100 percent true story I call ‘Me and My Monster,’” Jerius said right after swallowing his pills. “I wrote it along about when I was 10 or 11, and now I’ve told it so many times I got it memorized. Pretty good, huh?”

“It’s very good, Mr. Tanner,” she said. “So, when I go to tuck my kids in tonight, I should tell them that all those stories about having monsters in their closets and under their beds are true, except they aren’t really monsters at all?”

“That’s about the size of it, Miss Rhonda. Monsters were always my friends, ever since I was a young ‘un. Think about the Gill-man … what did he do? He’s just mindin’ his own business and people come up in a boat and start messin’ with his house. And Kong? He’s doing fine on his island and these rich folks chain him up and put him in a show. Shoot … I’d be mad, too. Nah, just because you don’t understand somethin’ doesn’t mean it’s bad. ‘Monster’ is just a word people made up ‘cause they were too lazy to learn about somethin’ new.”

Rhonda patted him on the shoulder and walked to the door.

“I always enjoy talking to you, Mr. Tanner. Good night and sleep tight … you want the light on or off?”

 “Now you know Eddie ain’t gonna come out of the closet with the light on,” he said, laying his head back.

The nurse walked down the hallway, and Jerious could hear the sound of her footsteps fade away. He turned over and noticed the door to his closet was ajar.

“Pssst … Eddie. You can come out now.”

Free football in 1974

Fifty years ago, the NFL was ready for a makeover.

Despite a work stoppage that disrupted the preseason, the league entered the 1974 campaign hoping to fend off a challenge from the new World Football League by adding some excitement to the established professional game.

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With fans complaining about too much defense and not enough explosive plays, league officials decided to open things up with some major rule changes.

The WFL had already thrown down the offensive gauntlet with radical innovations such as touchdowns being worth seven points, an “action point” to replace the PAT, one back allowed in motion toward the line of scrimmage, the elimination of fair catches on punts, kickoffs from the 30-yard line, and an overtime period divided into two, seven and a half minute segments.

The NFL wasn’t willing to go quite as far as the upstarts, but did make some significant tweaks:

  • Kickoffs from the 35-yard line
  • Goal posts situated at the back of the end zone
  • Prohibiting the offensive team from moving downfield until the ball was kicked on punts
  • The addition of a sudden death overtime period for regular season games. The first team to score in O.T. would win, and if the score was still tied after 15 minutes the game would end in a tie.

All 26 NFL teams got a taste of the new rules during the exhibition slate, and during one weekend the overtime procedure was used in three different games. But in the second week of the 1974 regular season, fans finally experienced an official bonus round of football, courtesy of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Denver Broncos.

In 1973 the league standings were littered with ties, with Cleveland, Kansas City, Denver, and Green Bay each having two draws on their worksheet and six other teams involved in stalemates. In fact, there had been 256 ties since the NFL was formed in 1920.

During contract negotiations in the summer of 1974 (which led to a brief strike) the NFL Players Association demanded that the overtime rule be scrapped.

“We reject this demand on the basis that it subjects the players to undue risk of injury and because the rule constitutes a unilateral change in working conditions,” wrote NFLPA executive director Ed Garvey.

However, once play began, the new rule was in place.

“I think it’s important for a team to control its own destiny,” Kansas City Chiefs coach Hank Stram said to United Press International. “As a result, I think it’s good we will have an opportunity to win a football game by the sudden-death rule.”

With an extra quarter to settle the issue, the chances of a game ending without a winner decreased dramatically. And after 60 minutes at Denver’s Mile High Stadium, the Broncos and Steelers had an even split of 70 points.

At 35-35, offense had already won the day, so it stood to reason the NFL’s new rule would result in its intended consequence.

Unfortunately, while there were plenty of points scattered across the first 60 minutes, there were none in the extra 15.

Jim Turner had a chance to win it for Denver late in overtime, but his 41-yard field goal attempt sailed wide right. And when the horn sounded after 75 minutes of football time (and three hours, forty-nine minutes of real time) the issue still hadn’t been settled.

“I don’t think either team deserved to lose, and neither team did,” Denver coach John Ralston said in a Greely Daily Tribune story. “We had our shot and they had theirs. I think it is very fitting to end in a tie.”

Even so, Ralston hinted that another rule change might’ve been better.

“If we had (the 2-point conversion) rule, that would’ve decided it, likely without overtime,” Ralston said. “But 15 minutes of extra playing is enough.”

Pittsburgh boss Chuck Noll was relieved his team didn’t lose, but would’ve preferred to have earned the tie the old-fashioned way.

“I don’t like the idea of overtime,” Noll told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “I have a tired football team that has to get ready to play next week. If we’d have one of these every week, it’d kill our team.”

Obviously, the Steelers didn’t have to play five quarters every week, although overtimes have been quite common over the last half century. The only other O.T. contest in 1974 was between the New York Jets and New York Giants, with the Jets winning, 26-20, after scoring a touchdown at the 6:53 mark of the fifth quarter.

There have been 29 regular season ties since 1974, with the last coming on December 4, 2022, when the New York Giants and Washington Commanders finished at 20-20. Starting with the 2017 season, O.T. periods were shortened to 10 minutes.

College football has already figured out to way to make sure every game ends with a winner, and perhaps the NFL will, too – someday. Until then, there’s always a chance both teams will get a share of the spoils.

No News Is Good News

“This is freakin’ awesome.”

Tex Flannery touched down on the Princess of Pleasure luxury liner and marveled at how clean and fancy the massive commercial ship was. For a man whose last trip on the water was a drunken ride on a pontoon boat, this was paradise.

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“See, guys, this is what it’s like to live the good life,” he said to his three travel companions – brother Toby Flannery and friends Ellis Baxter and Jimmy Slatfield, all lined up behind him. “Them billionaire boys know how to throw a party, don’t they?”

For years the Body of Benevolent Billionaires – a group of 10 of the world’s richest men – had combined their considerable resources for space missions, deep sea explorations and plenty of exotic, headline-grabbing ventures. But charity work? That really wasn’t on their agenda. They were simply finding new ways to make themselves even richer and more famous, and they were succeeding. People like Tex didn’t seem to mind at all.

But the BBB hoped to change that perception with its “No News Is Good News Cruise,” an unprecedented event taking place all across the globe and open to everyone who chose to participate.

Ships were gathered at every port – welcoming people from all walks of life – for a 10-day, all-expenses paid cruise.

Tex and his entourage were among the millions of people who would take advantage of the free vacation, courtesy of BBB.

The catch?

There was no catch, unless you were a news junkie.

On the “No News Is Good News Cruise,” passengers would have all their phones and personal computers taken from them for the duration of the voyage. For a week and three days, they would be living in their own private world.

“This will be a cruise in which you can relax and recharge,” said billionaire businessman Oakley Attar, who made the announcement live on social media three months before the September 18 sailaway. “You can be with your friends and loved ones and enjoy days and nights filled with great music, wonderful food and the lost art of conversation. For 10 days you won’t have to hear about war, crime, disease … none of the horrors that continue to plague our planet. Thus, the name ‘No News Is Good News.’ We trust this will be the most memorable getaway of your lifetime and when it ends, you’ll have a fresh new perspective on life.

Tex and his entourage were leaving from the Port of New Orleans, and their travel route was Key West, Freeport and Nassau.

They had already checked their luggage at the cruise terminal (where they were issued photo ID cards), and greeted by uniformed security as they stepped off the gangway.

“Tex Flannery, Harahan, Louisiana … good to see you, chief,” he said as the smiling guard – the name tag on his  crisp, white shirt identified him as Captain Benzer – looked at his card.

“Welcome aboard, Mr. Flannery,” Benzer said, scanning him quickly with a wand. “Just for our records, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m an electrician,” Tex said. “Been working at Allied Electric since the late 1990s, I’m proud to say.”

“Very good,” Benzer replied, placing a red dot on his card and handing him a sheet of paper. “All the information about your quarters is on you handout, as well as the itinerary. Happy to have you with us and enjoy your stay, sir.”

“We will, and you pass along my thanks to ol’ Oakley. That man is a real visionary. Maybe the next time he decides to do something nice for everybody he’ll give us all one of those big, silver City Tanks. If they weren’t so expensive, I’d have one in my driveway right now.”

Toby, Ellis and Jimmy went through the same process with Benzer. Toby was also an electrician and given a red dot while Ellis was a floor manager at a lumber yard and received a green dot. Jimmy was the oldest of the group and retired, earning a white dot on his passenger card.

“Just out of curiosity,” Tex asked, “what are the dots for?”

“Honestly, sir, that’s a surprise,” Benzer said. “We have some activities planned for our guests and the colored dots will help us figure out how to divide everyone up.”

“Oh, I hope it’s dodgeball,” Tex said. “Ain’t nothing quite as fun as raring back and plunkin’ somebody.”

The “No News Is Good News Cruise” lived up to its billing, and for the next nine days Tex and the more than 1,200 passengers lived like kings and queens.

The dance floor was always open, the food and booze flowed freely … it was a fantasy made real. However, following day seven some of the passengers noticed flashes of light in the night sky, and by the eighth day there was a red hue as far as the eye could see.

“Something’s wrong here, Tex,” Jimmy said. “I keep asking the security people what’s going on, but they keep telling me there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Then don’t worry about it,” Tex snapped. “Don’t you think Oakley Attar knows what he’s doing? You know what … I’ll bet him and the other billionaire boys are puttin’ on fireworks shows for all the people that couldn’t come on the cruise. Yep … I bet you money that’s it.”

However – as Day 10 dawned – the Princess of Pleasure had headed even further out to sea, and it was joined in the ocean by what appeared to be an armada of other luxury liners.

As buzz from the guests increased, an announcement blared from the ship’s loudspeaker system.

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention. On behalf of Oakley Attar and his associates, we hope you’ve enjoyed your vacation. However, now it’s time to get to work. The earth as you knew it no longer exists. Cities have been leveled through nuclear engagement, and the Body of Benevolent Billionaires have assumed effective control of all world governmental functions. Over the past two decades, we have overseen the construction of 10 massive underground bunkers in which we will form a new society known as UnderGroundEarth.”

The announcement continued as armed personnel surrounded the exits of the ship.

“Those of you with red and green dots on your card will be eligible for maintenance work. Green dots, blue dots and orange dots will be dealt with on a case-by case basis, with the possibility of more skilled labor opportunities. All red, green and blue dots should present your card to one of our associates you’ll see wearing brown shirts and caps, and you’ll be taken to a work vessel. Once there you’ll be screened and considered for permanent or temporary entry into one of our facilities. Those of you with white dots are, I’m afraid, ineligible for UnderGroundEarth. But we have reserved one of the ships for your convenience, and you are welcome to stay there as nuclear winter sets in. We hope you enjoyed the ‘No News Is Good News Cruise’ as much as we enjoyed making it possible.”

Tex looked at his card and walked toward the first man he saw wearing a brown shirt and hat.

“I guess I’m supposed to give this to you,” he said. “One thing though … that Benzer fellow talked about how the dots would be used to divide up everybody. Are we not gonna play dodgeball?”