In praise of naps

There was a meme a while back that proclaimed, “Dear Naps, I’m sorry I was mean to you when I was a kid,” or something to that effect.

Apparently, there were and are children who don’t like going to sleep early in the day. I must confess that I was not one of those kids.

Sleep – and any opportunity to sleep – has always been a real treat for me. Even if an adult was trying to trick me into it, I played along.

For example, I distinctly remember the ruse Mrs. Baker, my first grade teacher, used to prompt naptime. After we’d come in from recess, she’d say, “Children, put your heads down on your desk and close your eyes … we’re going to play the quiet game.”

I saw right through that scam. I’m sure there were some low information first graders who thought the goal was to merely sit in silence, but I knew Ms. B wanted us to cat nap (even though no cats were involved).

I never told my nice teacher this, but in my mind the “quiet game” was the “snooze and drool” game – and it was a game I played to win. Within seconds of her command, my oversized noggin was nudged against my folded arms and I was drifting away. Before you knew it, I was dreaming about eating paste with Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot, Puff and other characters from the Dick and Jane Literary Universe.

Sadly, sanctioned naps were phased out by the time I was in third grade, and that made me sad. I was always down for the quiet game and felt it should have a permanent role in my continuing education. And by sitting in the back of the classroom for the balance of my grammar school years, it did.

Fortunately, I even managed to make time for naps in high school and frankly, it was easy to do. If you played a sport, physical education was replaced by something called “Athletics.” Basically, if you were on a varsity team, you were exempt from P.E. classes so you were given a free period.

I did not waste mine.

I played soccer and ran cross country, and practices were always after school. I felt the best way to prepare for those workouts was to sleep during Athletics.

If you don’t think the top bleacher of a high school gym is a good place to nap, well, you’re wrong. The sound of bouncing basketballs and whistles is quite soothing once you get used to it.

And as for college, many of my elective courses were simply fronts for naps.

I took Music Appreciation 101 and was told by the instructor on the first day that the tests would be based strictly on material from the textbook. Classes, on the other hand, were for listening and enjoying various musical genres. So, I read the book at night, and used the class to catch some Zzzzzzs.

I’ve often wondered what music was played during that class.

Not even my social life was immune to naps.

Once – following a romantic dinner at Wanda’s House of Lard – my date wanted to see A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.

I’d already lost interest in the franchise, so this was a perfect title for what I had planned over its 96-minute run time.

The hope was I could convince her that I was closing my eyes because Freddy Krueger scared me, but she didn’t buy it.

We never went out again, and I can only assume it was due to my loud snoring during a pivotal Heather Langenkamp scene.

Now, jump to the present. I’m retired, and that means I don’t have to give a reason for taking a nap. I can do it anywhere at any time and you’re all powerless to stop me. If I choose to flop down in the middle of the spice aisle at my local supermarket, you should step over me and mind your own business.

When at home, naps usually take place right after lunch. Two dogs and two cats will pile up with me, and more often than not, the nap lasts the full 90-minute cycle.

The hour and a half naps are great because they’re like a fun-size regular sleep. I also apparently burrow my head in my pillow because when I arise my hair calls to mind Professor Irwin Corey (put that name in your search engine, kids).

And the best part of taking naps now is that sometimes, I don’t even need them … I just take them for sport. While there are those among us who think sleep is wasting valuable time, to me it is valuable time – and time well spent.

So, if I were to make a meme, it’d probably read, “Dear Naps, thank you for always being there for me.” Not great, but perhaps I can come up with something a bit catchier.

Let me sleep on it.