We’re now five days into a new year, so how are your resolutions going?
I’m guessing by this point some of you have already backed off your big plans to better yourself, and that’s not uncommon.
Too many times we make resolutions we simply can’t keep.
“Oh,” you say, “I’m going to quit stealing Jenna’s tuna salad from the break room fridge,” or “this is the year I stop cooking meth in my car.”
That’s crazy talk.
Instead, you should set attainable goals.
That’s what I do every Dec. 31, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I was unable to keep every single one of them.
The key is to sit down, make a list – a realistic one – and stick to it.
And to help you do just that, I’m going to share my 10 resolutions for 2018. And if you decide to adopt any and all of them for yourself, well, I’ll be flattered.
I will not ask anyone if they are “ready for Christmas”
This is a resolution you do not have to concern yourself with until the final two months of the year. Still, why does anyone ask this ridiculous question?
What would happen if we weren’t ready for Christmas? Would Christmas not come?
Of course not.
Christmas will be here every Dec. 25, ready or not. And I will not ask you if you are ready for it because it doesn’t matter and I don’t care.
Now Stephen Foster Memorial Day on Jan. 13 is another story.
There’s really never enough time to prepare for that.
I will not invade Iceland
This is far and away the easiest resolution to keep. Iceland is a long way from where I live and, to the best of my knowledge, no one in Iceland has ever offended me in any way.
Plus, I’m not a weapons guy. I have a Louisville Slugger baseball bat in the closet somewhere and a big wooden spoon, but nothing that would allow me to successfully subdue an entire people.
So, Iceland is safe from me.
Finland, however, might need to be on alert in 2019.
I will not watch an episode of “American Idol”
Never have, never will.
Karaoke is for drunks who feel the need to sing at dive bars. I did this once and the song I chose was a censored version of “Murder Was The Case” by Snoop Dogg.
Still haven’t quite lived that one down.
Anyway, “American Idol” is just televised karaoke, so I’ll take a hard pass.
I will not wear a tank top
Since I do not live in a mobile home with a Confederate battle flag flying high above it; plan to star in a remake of the 1980 film “Cruising”; or play intercollegiate or professional basketball, there is no need for me to wear a tank top.
The danger of such an occurrence is nil.
I will not take in a poison dart frog as a pet
Sure they’re cute and colorful, but what the hell am I going to do with a poison dart frog? They’re only one-half to 2 inches long yet contain enough poison to kill 10 grown men.
Besides, I can’t think of 10 grown men I want killed at the moment. OK, maybe I can, but that’s a dark place I’ll steer clear of (to the best of your knowledge).
I will not watch any movie by Joel Schumacher with a comic book theme
To date he has done only one, the unholy abomination that was “Batman and Robin.”
I doubt he has plans to do another but if he changes his mind, I have a Louisville Slugger and wooden spoon at the ready.
I will not skydive
Jumping out of a plane?
You gotta be out of your freakin’ mind.
I will not order tater tots at Krispy Kreme
Only because they don’t sell ‘em.
I will not hunt or fish
I’m a vegetarian, but I’m not militant about it. I get that people like meat, and human beings have teeth designed to tear into meat.
Yet even when I was a flesh-eater, I never had any desire to go off in the woods and kill something.
I have fished, but never enjoyed it. Frankly, I don’t think the fish did, either.
I will not eat feta cheese
Why won’t I eat feta cheese?
I don’t know … why won’t you eat a raw goat scrotum?
Feta cheese is basically barf in crumble form. Not only do I not want it in my food, I don’t want in in my neighborhood.
Put another way, I’d rather eat potluck from a dumpster that this odious vermin vomit.
Anyway, I hope this helps as you navigate the rough waters of 2018 resolutions. And always remember … if you expect nothing from yourself, you’ll rarely be disappointed.