Those who know me know I’m a vegetarian, so it’s probably rather obvious that I don’t hunt.
Never have, never will (barring some apocalyptic event in which all plant life is destroyed by an anti-tempeh terrorist organization).
I have zero interest in wandering off into the woods and shooting a critter, because I like critters and – to date – not a single one has ever taken a shot at me. That being said, there is some hunting-related news I’m rather excited about.
According to a report in livescience.com, deer in at least 22 states and parts of Canada have died from chronic wasting disease.
That news is sad, of course, and thoughts and prayers go out to the entire Cervidae family. Still, there is hope for a happy ending.
Why?
Well, some side effects of this malady, according to the Center for Disease Control, include, “… drastic weight loss, a lack of coordination, drooling, listlessness or a ‘blank’ facial expression, and a lack of fear of people.”
Admittedly, this reminds me of me during my heavy drinking days, but in deer, this is known as “zombie deer disease.”
Now frankly, at that point I had no desire to read any further because you’re going to have one helluva time topping “zombie deer.”
And since I didn’t finish the article, I am free to imagine (hope?) what this means to hunters and hunting and bucks and does and the whole circle of life (and death).
Say, for example, you shoot Bambi’s mother. Normally, that would be a shitty thing to do. But if Bambi’s mother (I think her name was Tiffany … it was never clear in the movie) contracted this disease and died, would she not return as a zombie?
And if she did, would that not be one of the coolest things ever?
While Elmer Fudd is dragging her back to camp to process her, she suddenly springs to life (or however zombies define their resurrection), and bites his trigger-happy ass.
Fudd dies, but then he comes back as a zombie himself.
That’s where things could get vewwy, vewwy interesting.
The zombies in “Night of the Living Dead” were pretty traditional and fit the definition provided by the CDC.
They drooled, they hobbled … about the only time they ever showed any enthusiasm was when they got hold of fresh femur (where the meat just falls off the bone, by the way).
But remember the movie “World War Z?” Those zombies were amazingly fast. In fact, they were quite well-coordinated and formed impressive pyramids. Could it be that the disease might manifest itself in such a way that a Fudd zombie would be more akin to a Z zombie?
We still don’t have Patient Zero so we can’t answer that question yet.
At any rate, if zombie deer suddenly start to populate the forests, that’s going to be quite a game-changer.
Those who have a taste for venison will likely lose it once they realize Bambi’s mother isn’t going to be still long enough for you to eat her.
And, the knowledge that you could become a zombie Fudd yourself should be quite a deterrent to deer hunting. At least I think it would.
Look, I’m not trying to preach here. After all, some of my best friends are Fudds. And if you eat meat, chances are the meat you eat didn’t volunteer for the job and off itself so you could have a burger.
I’d like to think that’s the case, but I know it’s not.
Plus, animals eat other animals. That’s messed up, but no less a fact.
But I’ve never thought of hunting as a sport, since humans have guns and animals do not. And sport is defined as “physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.”
However, if a Fudd goes up against a deer that is going to spring back to life right after it’s killed, then you’ve got yourself a ballgame, my friend.