Category: Funny Business

Last Wednesday, I had a near-death experience.

As I faded from consciousness and started to slip into the great unknown, I was suddenly pulled into a bright, white tunnel of light. And at the end of the tunnel there were several figures waving to me. They weren’t completely clear, but I’m pretty sure they were members of the boy band O-Town, urging me to join them at the Mohegan Sun Casino and Resort.

But I refused, for I was not yet ready to pass from this life, even though going to one of the largest, most spectacular entertainment, gaming, dining and shopping destinations in the United States was tempting.

Nah, I’m just funnin’ with you.

I was nowhere near death (or a casino), but I did feel bad enough that my wife, Mary, insisted on taking me to a doc-in-a-box – for the second time in five days.

The “adventure” started last weekend when my back began to ache.

That morning I had walked several miles and done some yard work, and I just figured maybe I pulled a muscle or something.

By afternoon the pain increased dramatically, and spread to my stomach.

And this wasn’t the garden variety stomach ache – you know, the kind where it hisses and growls and occasionally speaks in unknown tongues. This was a sharp, almost continuous pain that caused me to double over.

Mary started researching what my malady might be. Even though the pain was in my back and stomach, it could be my heart, gallbladder,  kidneys, any number of things.

There was also the chance that an alien had embedded itself in my stomach and was prepared to burst out John Hurt-style, but it’s been months since I’ve had close contact with extraterrestrials, so I quickly discounted that as an option.

Whatever it was, she ushered me into the car and began driving toward the clinic. Long story short, the clinic was closed, but by the time we got there I felt better anyway, and we decided to head home.

The more I thought about it, the more I was sure it was just a case of gas gone nuclear and would never happen again.

Man, was I ever wrong.

It happened again mid-week, and this time we went to a bigger, better (and more importantly, open) doc-in-the-box.

It’s no exaggeration to say the pain I felt was the worst I’ve ever experienced. So much so that after doing X-rays and performing an electrocardiogram test, the doctor actually had to give me a pain-relieving shot before sending me to the emergency room.

That’s when my day got markedly worse.

I was told the minute I got to the ER I was to see a certain doctor, who would immediately set up a CAT scan. That was fine with me, because I love animals.

But the CAT scan didn’t come until after I had been there for five hours – and after a nurse had used my left arm for target practice trying to draw blood. In retrospect, I don’t think he was a nurse at all, but just a random dude who happened upon some blue scrubs, showed up, and clocked in.

He and the staff also insisted on redoing all the tests that had already been done at the doc-in-a-box a couple of hours earlier, even though the paperwork I presented told them specifically not to do that.

This caused Mary to curse.

She cursed out of earshot of my tormentors, but she cursed eloquently and with great conviction.

It’s one of the reasons I love her.

Once the crew finally got their shit together, they gave me another shot for pain, put me on an IV, and administered an ultrasound test. They looked at my liver, gallbladder, appendix, and, I suppose, whatever else lurked beneath the surface.

By the end of my seven hour odyssey you know what they found?

Nothing.

I mean, they found all the organs, but they just couldn’t pinpoint the problem.

Kidney stones were ruled out, and they couldn’t be sure my gall bladder or appendix were causing the pain.

They just told me to follow up with my primary care physician, gave me a prescription for Hillbilly Heroin, and then sent me on my way.

I was puzzled – and concerned.

I eat healthy foods (mostly, except for Pop-Tarts), I exercise (usually, unless I’d rather sit around and eat Pop-Tarts) and my weight is under control (give or take 15 or 20 pounds … and the availability of Pop-Tarts).

But then I realized that some people in the best of health die unexpectedly.

Look at Roger Bannister. He was the first man to break the four-minute mile and was in tip-top physical condition. Yet, he passed away recently.

He was 88, but still.

Finally, my “regular” doctor looked me over on Thursday and sent me to a gastroenterologist, who set up an MRI on Friday that proved negative.

So …

On Monday I’ll have something called a HIDA scan in which a radioactive tracer is injected into a vein in my arm. My only hope at this point is that during the procedure, I’ll be bitten by a spider and thus became a superhero.

I think after all this nonsense, I’ve earned it.

I’m not sure if it’s because of my age or what, but virtually every time I go to get a haircut these days the stylist thinks I want to walk out looking like vintage Porter Wagoner and Conway Twitty, or current John Mellencamp.

Porter and Conway, of course, once rocked that slick, high hair that was combed straight back. If they had ever brushed it forward, it would’ve reached their navels.

About the only other people you see with this particular ‘do are TV evangelists, funeral home directors and the brothers of killers on “Snapped.”

Mellencamp used to have basic “rocker” hair – long and mussed. It looked good on him.

As he got older, though, he channeled his inner Porter/Conway, adding quarts of Valvoline and seeing just how high on his head his hair would go.

These days the dude looks like a cross between Charles Starkweather and Brainiac thanks to his huge noggin and high hair.

This is not how I want to look.

This is not how I’ve ever wanted to look.

Of course, we’ve all evolved in terms of hairstyles.

As a kid, growing up in the sixties and cursed with poor eyesight, I had short, slick brown hair that accentuated my black horn rimmed glasses. I looked like Clark Kent if, in fact, Clark Kent had never left Krypton and instead was a member of the planet’s debate team.

By the 70s, in an effort to be more appealing to the opposite sex, I wore contact lenses and sported the “butt cut,” which was longer hair parted down the middle.

It would’ve been a decent look except my hard contacts were extremely uncomfortable and made my eyes water, so I always walked around looking as though I had just watched “Old Yeller.”

In the 1980s I resumed wearing glasses and moved more toward the Elvis Costello look. While in a perfect world I would’ve preferred to wear my hair long, it started flipping on the ends, causing it to resemble Marlo Thomas’ cut in “That Girl.”

I love Marlo Thomas.

I didn’t love looking like Marlo Thomas in drag.

By the 1990s, I had settled on hair that was neither very long nor very short. And aside from a few brief flirtations with the “old hippie” look, I’ve basically stuck to a relatively simple hairstyle.

However, at no point have I ever slicked my hair back, which makes me wonder why people who cut my hair think that’s what I want.

Now – in the interest of full disclosure – I go to one of those haircut franchise places so I never know from one visit to the next who will be cutting my hair.

I just walk in and whoever has an available chair takes me. They’re all capable, obviously, but sometimes they don’t seem to listen.

“So what are we looking to do today?” Haircut person asks.

“Really, just a half-inch all the way around,” I say.

Simple, right?

Nope.

They snip and spritz and snip and spritz and then blow it dry while combing it backward.

Every single time.

“How does it look?” Haircut person asks.

“Actually, I don’t comb it back, so would you mind trimming some more off the top?” I ask.

“Sure,” haircut person says. “About how much?”

“Oh, 11 or 12 inches,” I say.

Once my hair reaches a reasonable length they ask if I want any “hair product” and I always decline, opting instead to fight my own style battle when I get home.

Look, I realize I’m not GQ material … I have no illusions that I’m going to leave the shop looking like a young George “Goober” Lindsey.

I also know that – technically – I’m a “senior,” and apparently society expects people over 50 to look a certain way.

Well, society can bite my ass.

I like my hair a little messy and I like to have the option of letting bangs rest gently against my forehead.

If I wanted to look like Porter Wagoner, Conway Twitty or John Mellencamp, I’d have become a singer-songwriter.

Instead I’m just a writer – one who will forever sing the praises of the first stylist who figures out how I want my hair to look.

Thought Facebook and Twitter were just places to be fed Russian propaganda?

Nope.

They also have mind-expanding tests, like “What 80s TV Star Are You?” “What Superhero Are You?” and “What Toxic Household Cleaner Are You?”

For the record I’m Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge, Batman, and Easy-Off Heavy Duty Oven Cleaner Aerosol Spray.

As an aside, it’s important to note that Batman is not a superhero because he possesses no super powers. He is in top physical condition, is extremely intelligent, and has billions of dollars’ worth of high-tech gadgetry at his disposal, but he is not a metahuman.

However, the Dark Knight was an option in the “What Superhero Are You?” test, so I’m proud to wear the cape and cowl.

Anyway, I saw one out there called “What Do Your Dreams Really Mean?” and it mentioned how some us have recurring dreams about things such as losing teeth, flying and running.

I honestly don’t recall losing teeth in a dream because, frankly, I rarely dream about going to the dentist, but I have taken flight and done my share of hauling ass while snoozing.

What the test didn’t address, though, was smoking.

I dream more, by far, about smoking cigarettes than anything else. And it all started once I stopped smoking.

I used to be a hardcore smoker, and by “hardcore smoker” I mean I took the opportunity to smoke pretty much whenever I was awake.

I would smoke in the shower … I kid you not. The cigarette didn’t stay lit for long, but every puff was worth it.

I would trample children and senior citizens leaving movie theaters in my effort to race outside the building and fire one up.

I would take my dog for a walk in the middle of the night just to have an excuse to go outside and smoke – even when I didn’t have a dog.

It was a serious problem.

However, I quit on June 10, 2010, and haven’t fallen off the wagon once.

But …

There is rarely a week that goes by when cigarettes don’t wind up in my dreamscape. There are studies that suggest people who have recently quit occasionally have such “visions,” but eight years out?

Damn, they must’ve made quite an impact on me.

In my most recent one, I was at a party at a large house and had left my cigarettes in the car.

I remember opening the door, reaching in and grabbing a pack of Kool Milds off the passenger seat.

I took a cigarette, placed it on my lips, lit it up, and inhaled.

I swear, I could almost taste it. The blue smoke spiraling toward the sky like a genie that had just escaped its bottle remains remarkably vivid.

It happens all the time.

Sometimes during the course of a dream, I’ll just casually light up; it’s merely a character trait. Other times, I know the cigarettes are missing and I’m compelled to track them down.

And when I wake up and realize I don’t smoke, I’m repulsed … I even feel slightly guilty.

I mean, I don’t miss the taste or smell at all when I’m awake. Both are gross to me now.  But there’s something in my subconscious that refuses to let go.

It makes you wonder.

Are dreams, in fact, merely glimpses into a parallel universe?

And in that parallel universe, do I have to buy cigarettes or are they provided for me as part of a government program?

Is smoking allowed in theaters? (If so, children and old people will be much safer because I’ll have no compelling reason to trample them).

Surely not.

I’m inclined to think the appearance of cigarettes after I go nite-nite is just one of those random dream things that will never be explained.

I’ve seen all sorts of weird things behind the walls of sleep, including but not confined to: former Night Court star Harry Anderson playing whack-a-mole at Chuck E. Cheese’s; the New York Jets winning another Super Bowl; Gal Gadot calling and asking if she could come over and play Yahtzee; the original Ramones opening for Celine Dion; Donald Trump and Paul Ryan performing a duet of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” at Coachella; people with giant heads attempting to sell me term life insurance; and being bludgeoned with frozen fish sticks (Mrs. Gorton’s, to be precise) by a gang of ne’er-do-wells.

Some of my dreams are outlandish and others frighteningly real, but regardless, cigarettes manage to at least make a cameo appearance in many of them.

Fortunately, they can’t do a lot of damage to me while I sleep, so I need to just stop worrying about it. As long as I’m smoke-free in the real world, I’m in good shape.

It’s that bloodthirsty mob wielding frozen fish sticks I should probably be most concerned with.