Category: Funny Business

Steve Rogers, Captain America, can cut his bulbous eyes in your direction and you think he’s about the cutest Chihuahua in the history of Chis.

And you’d be right.

He’s small, he’s funny, and many times just looking at this tiny dog is good for the soul. I love him dearly.

But he’s still a butthole, and I fear he’ll always be one.

If you remember, I bragged on him last week for showing rescue skills. He alerted me that Charlie, our Sheltie, had wandered away from the backyard and aided in a successful search and rescue. Yet I was taken to task by my wife, Mary, for using the “b-word” to describe Steve’s personality.

She insists he’s “sweet” and “precious.”

Sorry, but as the ol’ baseball umpire used to say, “I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.”

And when I sees Steve, I sees a butthole.

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Steve has bitten (or attempted to bite) me many, many times. Admittedly, it would be hard for his little teeth to do much damage, but that’s beside the point. Dogs shouldn’t bite their humans (unless their humans deserve it, and I do not).

Usually, it happens when I try to pick him up from the futon. I know, I know … one isn’t supposed to “startle” an animal and research shows this behavior is because a dog is staking out his territory.

Well, guess what?

He has no right to be territorial because we bought the futon in Asheville several years ago – long before he was born. Yet he acts like he owns it and that’s infuriating.

The books on dog behavior suggest that yelling at or somehow punishing the dog will only make the aggression worse. Instead, you should establish yourself, “… and members of your household as leaders that need to be respected.”

To that end I’ve started dressing like a Brigadier General in the United States Army but, so far, Steve still tries to bite me (even though I outrank him).

And if he’s not biting, he’s barking – and the barking is shrill and incessant.

I could understand if he saw something out of the ordinary and used it as a warning, but Steve barks at cars, trucks, motorcycles, airplanes, helicopters, drones, chemtrails, satellites, planets, birds, flora, fauna, people, ghosts, aliens, other dogs, cats, snakes, scorpions, air, water, odors, thoughts, concepts and lasagna.

It’s absolutely horrific and nerve fraying, and usually comes without warning. Adding injury to insult is the fact that he violently leaps from my lap in his quest to get to the window and start barking, which often causes major discomfort in my tender regions.

Oh, and then there’s his relationship with his brothers.

Charlie is the sweetest dog who ever lived, but even he loses patience with Steve, snarling and growling as the diminutive dog nips at Chuck’s legs.

Thor, our oldest cat, is frequently menaced by Steve. He’ll be laying there minding his own cat business when Steve will charge him, causing Thor to take one quick swat before retreating under the bed.

The only creature in the house who knows how to handle him is Bane, a cat who shares his age (2) but is double his size. Bane will play with Steve and let him get away with a good deal of mischief before growing tired of the shenanigans. At that point Bane will use his large paw to pin Steve down, and I must admit I feel a deep sense of satisfaction when I see Steve on his back, his legs wildly churning while his eyes dance like a drunk stripper.

This goes on from the time Mary leaves for work until she gets home, and by then I’m shaking and twitching like Barney Fife because Steve has me so addled I want to scream.

Naturally, Steve saves his best behavior for her.

He wags his curly tail, smiles and puts his best fur forward, making her believe he’s nothing more than just a high-energy little dog.

As she picks him up and holds him tightly, he’ll look over at me with a smug expression.

Sometimes he’ll even shoot a bird.

But just because Steve’s a handful doesn’t mean he’s not a huge and wonderful part of my life. He’s a rescue who was passed around quite a bit before finding his forever home with us, and maybe – for the first time in his life – he just feels comfortable being himself.

And I can live with that.

Because although he’s a butthole, he’s my butthole.

OK, that didn’t come out right …

Younger people might not be familiar with the TV show “Lassie,” but just about everyone has at least some knowledge of the legendary canine.

The Rough Collie had countless great adventures with her human family, showing both heroism and incredible intelligence as she spent many a day saving the day. Plus, she was just a beautiful dog.

Oddly, while Lassie was a female character, she was portrayed in the series by male dog actors. I have no idea why casting directors did this because I’m sure there were (and are) plenty of outstanding female Collie thespians.

However, now I want to go back and watch old episodes to see if I can spot a wiener on Lassie.

On some dogs they’re hard to miss, and it seems like if I had noticed this as a youth I’d have asked questions … lots of questions.

Anyway, I bring up Lassie not because of the wiener issue but because our Chihuahua – Steve Rogers, Captain America – did his best imitation of the famous dog earlier this week.

And I must say I’m quite proud of the little fellow who, I hate to admit, is a butthole much of the time and rarely praiseworthy.

It all started on a sun-kissed Monday morning when I ventured out into the backyard to cut grass.

Both Steve and our Sheltie, Charlie, like to watch from the screened porch while I cut because they know when I’m done they’ll be let out to play, which I call their “ripping and snorting time.”

It’s especially important for Steve because although he’s five pounds of fury he can get lost in the weeds due to his short little legs. A freshly cut lawn gives him a much faster track, and that means he can do zoomies at full throttle.

The more he wears himself out, the calmer our lives become.

Once I was done I opened the gate, stored away the lawn mower, came up to the porch to cool off, and let the beasts loose.

Steve immediately lowered his ears and flared his nostrils as he galloped furiously around the yard.

Charlie, as usual, found that perfect spot that’s half sun, half shade, and plopped down.

They typically stay out for about 30 minutes before they decide to come back and get a treat.

I wasn’t paying close attention to them or the time during this particular session of ripping and snorting; I was busy doing Internet searches for Lassie’s wiener.

But just as I was zooming in on a still shot from a 1967 episode, Steve started barking at the door.

This wasn’t unusual, as Chihuahuas are yippy and – as previously noted – Steve’s a butthole. But when I opened the door, he wouldn’t come in. Instead, he just danced around with a look of concern in his bulbous eyes. This was out of character, and after getting lost in thought for a moment when I realized he looked like a canine version of actor Steve Buscemi, I finally got the message.

Charlie was missing, and Steve Rogers Buscemi was letting me know he was missing.

Sure enough the gate was wide open and Charlie had wandered off. I raced down the steps with Steve following closely and walked up the driveway. I worried that Charlie had gotten disoriented and might be heading aimlessly down the street.

But after calling his name a couple of times, I glanced at the front porch and there he was – staring at the door, Blair Witch style.

Though he’d only been missing for a few minutes, I was so glad to see him I raced over, picked him up, and gave him a big ol’ kiss on the head. I was relieved that he was safe and – in this instance – also relieved that he’s kinda dumb.

Shelties have a reputation for being smart, but Charlie decided to follow a different path.

The headline of this story, however, is the quick thinking by Steve.

Maybe he wasn’t quite as heroic as dogdom’s greatest star – I mean, he didn’t organize a search party and pull Charlie out of a well – but he showed when the chips are down, I can count on him to call upon his inner Lassie.

And you know what else he has in common with Lassie?

A wiener.

Now that I have successfully transitioned from working a full-time job to being a (participation) trophy husband, I have taken on a much larger domestic role.

And believe it or not, I take great pride in keeping the bathrooms in our house sparkling clean. In fact – as weird as it sounds – it has become my favorite household task, one that I do almost every day and take very, very seriously.

I like to think of it as a domestic superpower and myself as a crime fighter.

Or maybe a grime fighter; I won’t quibble over labels.

And as long as you stay on top of the “facility situation” it never has to get disgusting, like when bathrooms start to look like what I call “gas station toilets.”

That description should be self-explanatory but, if not, imagine walking into what appears to be a crime scene that smells of urine, rotten opossum and desperation.

Throw in fecal matter that has been randomly distributed throughout the facility and a condom machine, and the picture is complete.

(It should be noted that some gas stations bathrooms are well-maintained and I salute those fearless souls who make it so. The worst ones are often the “Mom and Pop” variety found on secondary roads – the establishments where you have to ask an attendant for a key that’s attached to a large board with a “Keep On Truckin’” sticker on it).

The worst I’ve ever encountered was on a back road while I traveling from Greenville, South Carolina, to Augusta, Georgia.

I was low on gas and felt the need to get a delicious and nutritious bag of potato chips, and I came upon an old convenience store.

As is my custom, I always take the opportunity to make the bladder gladder on any travel stop, especially since my bladder is, apparently, the size of a peanut. So, after gassing up and securing chips, I asked the attendant where the restroom was.

“It’s out back,” he said. “But the lock don’t work.”

That was fine with me; all I was planning was a splash and go, anyway.

But once I pushed open the door, what I saw can never be unseen.

This bathroom looked as though it had – quite literally – never been cleaned.

The sheer smell was overwhelming, and it became obvious that over time dudes stopped even trying to aim when they peed.

As for what was in the toilet, the better question is, what was not?

If it could be expelled from a body, it had been expelled here, and over time the unholy union of various forms of human waste had created what I call Excreta Maxima – a sewage super villain.

I have a relatively strong stomach, but this triggered my gag reflex big-time and there was no way in hell I was going to venture any further into this house of horrors.

I ran to my car – I’m pretty sure I was crying – and as I drove away I vowed to never, ever allow any bathroom in any house I live in to be anything but pristine.

Just as Batman swore vengeance against all criminals and Spider-Man protects the “little guy,” I shall forever battle the forces of poo.

So if you ever come to my home and need to use the facilities, you’ll be treated to shiny fixtures, fresh-smelling towels and a chamber pot as clean as any you’ve ever seen.

This is my mission.

This is my promise.

I am … Toilet Man.