Category: Funny Business

“Funny Business” takes a not-so-serious look at whatever is on my mind.

The ‘Big Dance’ of sports movies

Bummed about no NCAA Men’s and Women’s Basketball Tournament this year?

Scott Adamson’s column appears whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl.

Yeah, me too. Pound for pound, March Madness is my favorite sporting event and having it wiped out just seems weird.

But I’m a weird dude, so on this Selection Sunday I decided to create a tournament bracket featuring my 68 favorite sports movies.

Like the NCAA men’s tourney, there are multi-bid leagues and conferences that probably don’t have any teams worthy of the Big Dance. Unlike the NCAA men’s tourney, the Selection Committee is a committee of one and the one is me.

That being the case, my bracket is bound to be much different than yours. For example, after perusing my list you’ll notice “Ford v Ferrari” is not on it. That might seem like an outrage since it was nominated for four Academy Awards, including Best Picture.

Fact is, I haven’t seen it yet. It probably is great and it might well have earned an at-large bid, but I’m only going by what I’ve already watched and “Ford v Ferrari” will have to wait until I catch it on one of my streaming services.

Sports such as cricket, Australian Rules football, hurling and Gaelic football have been left out, too. It has nothing to do with the sports themselves, it’s just that I’ve yet to see a movie focused on cricket, Australian Rules football, hurling or Gaelic football.

Also, for the purposes of my bracket, I’m excluding documentaries. There’s no particular reason for doing this, but if it makes you feel better you can place them in the NIT (“The Battered Bastards Of Baseball” would be the No. 1 seed).

Anyway, here’s what I’ve got, with qualifiers based on sport (and in random seeding order):

BASEBALL

“A League of Their Own,” “Bull Durham,” “Major League,” “Field of Dreams,” “The Natural,” “The Bad News Bears” (original), “Cobb,” “42,” “Damn Yankees,” “Pride of the Yankees,” “The Rookie,” “Eight Men Out,” “*61.”

BASKETBALL

“Hoosiers,” “White Men Can’t Jump,” “Semi Pro,” “Fastbreak,” “Inside Moves,” “The Winning Season,” “Glory Road,” “Hurricane Season.”

BOXING

“Rocky,” “Raging Bull,” “Million Dollar Baby,” “Somebody Up There Likes Me,” “Cinderella Man,” “The Harder They Fall,” “Creed,” “Chuck.”

FOOTBALL

“North Dallas Forty,” “Friday Night Lights,” “Rudy,” “The Express,” “Brian’s Song,” “The Longest Yard” (original), “Invincible,” “Remember The Titans,” “Big Fan,” “Everybody’s All-American,” “All The Right Moves.”

GOLF

“Tin Cup,” “The Legend of Bagger Vance,” “The Greatest Game Ever Played,” “Happy Gilmore,” “Caddyshack.”

HOCKEY

“Slap Shot,” “Miracle,” “Mystery Alaska,” “The Rocket,” “Mr. Hockey: The Gordie Howe Story.”

LACROSSE

“Crooked Arrows,” “Toe To Toe.”

MOTORSPORTS

“The Last American Hero,” “Grand Prix,” “Talladega Nights.”

SOCCER

“A Shot At Glory,” “Damned United,” “Victory,” “Bend It Like Beckham,” “Offside.”

TENNIS

“Battle of the Sexes,” “Borg Vs. McEnroe.”

WRESTLING

“Vision Quest,” “Win Win.”

OTHER

“Invictus” (rugby) “Seabiscuit” (horse racing) “Kingpin” (bowling) and “The Bronze” (gymnastics).

To streamline things, I’ll go ahead and eliminate the play-ins (“Tin Cup,” “The Greatest Game Ever Played,” “Happy Gilmore,” “Talladega Nights”) and go straight to the 64 regional seeds:

REGION A

  1. North Dallas Forty
  2. *61
  3. A Shot At Glory
  4. Million Dollar Baby
  5. Battle of the Sexes
  6. The Bad News Bears
  7. Mystery Alaska
  8. Invictus
  9. Everybody’s All-American
  10. Fastbreak
  11. 42
  12. Grand Prix
  13. Semi Pro
  14. Crooked Arrows
  15. Pride of the Yankees
  16. Kingpin

REGION B

  1. Slap Shot
  2. Major League
  3. Inside Moves
  4. Damned United
  5. Eight Men Out
  6. Seabiscuit
  7. Rudy
  8. The Longest Yard
  9. Cobb
  10. All The Right Moves
  11. Damn Yankees
  12. The Rookie
  13. Glory Road
  14. The Rocket
  15. Toe To Toe
  16. Offside

REGION C

  1. Rocky
  2. Field of Dreams
  3. Victory
  4. Bull Durham
  5. Raging Bull
  6. Vision Quest
  7. Big Fan
  8. Cinderella Man
  9. Remember The Titans
  10. Borg Vs. McEnroe
  11. Mr. Hockey: The Gordie Howe Story.
  12. Creed
  13. Somebody Up There Likes Me
  14. The Winning Season
  15. Friday Night Lights
  16. Caddyshack

REGION D

  1. Hoosiers
  2. A League Of Their Own
  3. The Natural
  4. The Harder They Fall
  5. Miracle
  6. Chuck
  7. The Last American Hero
  8. The Legend of Bagger Vance
  9. The Express
  10. Bend It Like Beckham
  11. White Men Can’t Jump
  12. Brian’s Song
  13. Invincible
  14. Win Win
  15. Hurricane Season
  16. The Bronze

How did I determine seeding?

Well, I started thinking of my favorite movies and tried to put the best ones in different regions so that they could avoid each other in the early rounds.

And honestly, after about the first 25 films I just randomly seeded them because I started to get tired. At any rate, things get pretty easy from here on in – and mostly anticlimactic.

While a real tournament has surprises (“No. 15 seed The Legend of Bagger Vance stuns No. 2 seed A League Of Their Own in a shocker!”) a Scott tournament plays out exactly how the rankings predict:

SWEET 16

North Dallas Forty
*61
A Shot At Glory
Million Dollar Baby
Slap Shot
Major League
Inside Moves
Damned United
Rocky
Field of Dreams
Victory
Bull Durham
Hoosiers
A League Of Their Own
The Natural
The Harder They Fall

ELITE EIGHT

North Dallas Forty
*61
Slap Shot
Major League
Rocky
Field of Dreams
Hoosiers
A League Of Their Own

FINAL FOUR

North Dallas Forty
Slap Shot
Rocky
Hoosiers

Finally, I had to do some soul searching when figuring out the national champion.

North Dallas Forty is funny and harsh and features Mac Davis in one of the most “real” performances I’ve ever seen.

Slap Shot somehow managed to meld vulgarity and violence into absolute brilliance.

Rocky was, at its core, a love story, but its underdog tale still resonates more than 40 years later.

And Hoosiers managed to transform small town basketball into an ethereal motion picture experience.

If I could spend the rest of my life watching only four sports movies, it would be these four.

But since a tournament can have only one winner, I’ll go with Slap Shot because I absolutely never, ever get tired of it.

Cue “One Shining Moment” and cut down the nets …

My league, your money

Dear Potential Patron:

Scott Adamson’s  column appears whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60

Almost two and a half years ago I wrote a column proposing the formation of the American League of Canadian Football (ALCF).

If you were one of the more than 7.8 billion people who didn’t read it, allow me to provide highlights of my idea.

Being someone who is a fan of the Canadian Football League to the extent that it’s my preferred brand of tackle football, I would like to see a spin-off of the circuit based in the continental United States.

As you know, the addition of American franchises was implemented more than a quarter century ago and the results were – to say the least – disappointing.

All CFL clubs are now based solely in Canada and the league will most likely never venture south of its border again. I understand and respect this decision and applaud the Canadian League for maintaining its unique identity.

However, it does open the door of opportunity for those of us who want to see another professional competition featuring rules such as:

* A playing field 110 yards long and 65 yards wide with end zones that are 20 yards deep.

* Goal posts situated on the goal line.

* Three downs to make 10 yards and a first down.

* Twelve players to a side (extra slotback on offense, extra secondary player on defense).

* All backs allowed in motion toward the line of scrimmage.

* No fair catches on punt returns.

* Fumbled balls that go out of bounds belong to the last team to touch the ball.

* Kicking teams awarded a single point (rouge) for missed field goals or punts that are downed in the end zone by the receiving team.

* Players who line up behind the kicker on a punt or field goal try may recover an “onside” kick.

Left up to me, the American League of Canadian Football would place its 10 flagship franchises in Birmingham, Memphis, Norfolk, Orlando, Portland, Rochester, Sacramento, San Antonio, Tulsa and Wichita. Following the CFL scheduling model, each team would play two exhibition games and an 18-game regular season that begins in June of each year.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to fund such a league which is why I seek your assistance today. When I used my debit card at Publix last week (we were out of bananas and peanut butter, and I also decided to buy some Little Debbie Snack Cakes as well as a crock pot), I noticed that my checking account is low.

Simply put, this league needs millions and millions of dollars in seed money. And since it might take a while for the ALCF to become a stable, thriving business, millions and millions of dollars over years and, possibly, decades, will be required.

This seems like a big ask but what better way to spend your money than on something that would make me happy?

While I would be the founder of the ALCF (and introduced at board meetings as either, “Our founder, Scott Adamson,” “ALCF founder, Scott Adamson,” “Sports visionary, Scott Adamson,” or “The father of the ALCF, Scott Adamson,” I would otherwise take a hands-off approach.

I might make suggestions in terms of naming a commissioner (Rachel McAdams is my pick, if you’re asking), but I would leave the final choice to you and your board of directors as long as that choice is Rachel McAdams.

Also, my franchise suggestions are merely that – suggestions. I thought of them while eating a Frosted Cherry Pop-Tart and didn’t do a lot of vetting. Your braintrust will be responsible for finding the right cities for the teams.

For example, instead of placing a franchise in Wichita (which would play in aging Cessna Stadium) you might decide on Fargo, North Dakota, which features the 18,700-seat Fargodome.

I would be fine with that, especially if you bring in Joel and Ethan Coen as principal owners.

Ultimately, it’s not where the teams are located in the United States, but that there are teams in the United States.

Hopefully over time the league would become equal to the CFL and the organizations could develop an official working relationship.

Wouldn’t it be exciting if the CFL champions and ALCF champions battled for the North American Cup each December in the Scott Adamson Bowl?

Yes … yes it would, indeed.

In closing, I ask that you spend some time watching the CFL, learning its rules and nuances, and decide for yourself if this is an investment worth your time. If you open your mind, I’m confident you’ll realize it’s long past time for the American League of Canadian Football.

Sincerely,

Scott Adamson
Founder and Visionary of the ALCF

P.S. I would not require a salary, but am requesting a lump sum payment of $100 million because I like nice things.

Cc: Michael Bloomberg
Andrew Yang
Tom Steyer

My Funny Valentine

Ah, Valentine’s Day.

Scott Adamson’s humor column appears whenever he has a funny feeling. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl and Instagram @adamsons60

For some, it means giving or receiving a beautiful bouquet of roses marked up 400 percent and then spending the evening listening to love songs by that guy in “Independence Day.” (And to be clear I’m referring to Harry Connick Jr. and not Will Smith, although “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” does set a certain mood).

Perhaps the focus of the occasion is a delicious Whitman’s Sampler box, one featuring a delectable variety of assorted chocolates that are really good except for that cherry one that sends you into a sugar coma with one bite.

Or you might go all out and have a romantic dinner at a fancy place like Red Lobster. Think how cool it would be to tell your kids about the time you proposed to mom by hiding her engagement ring in a Cheddar Bay Biscuit. (You could also put the ring in butter dipping sauce but, really, that’s just ridiculous).

I guess one of the more extreme Valentine’s Day celebrations was held in 1929 at a Lincoln Park garage in Chicago when seven members of the North Side Gang were treated to a pair of Thompson submachine guns.

Far be it from me to judge how one marks such a special day, but shit …

Point being, this is the one date above all others when Cupid breaks out his bow and arrow and takes aim at your tender regions.

So how did this whole Valentine’s Day thing get started, anyway?

It’s an interesting story.

St. Valentine was a third century Roman saint who got his start as either a priest or bishop – Wikipedia doesn’t seem to know for sure. Also, he apparently had no first name so I’m going to call him Bobby.

Now, Bobby Valentine is also the name of a former Major League Baseball manager who is currently an athletic director at Sacred Heart University, but this isn’t him. Back during St. Valentine’s Day there was no baseball. The ancient Romans basically spent their leisure time wrestling, boxing and racing. I think miniature golf was also pretty big back then, too.

So going forward, if you see the name “Bobby” or “Bobby Valentine,” know that I’m talking about the old one who played miniature golf and not the modern one who had a .523 winning percentage as an MLB skipper.

Anyway, there are a lot of legends surrounding St. Valentine but no one really knows the exact details. Some say he performed Christian weddings in defiance of Emperor Claudius, which makes him a hero among romantics and caterers.

Others say he would – for no apparent reason – cut little hearts out of parchment and give them to soldiers and persecuted Christians. (He would’ve probably also passed out Sweethearts candy as well, but the New England Confectionary Company was not in business at the time, so the best he could do was give the soldiers and persecuted Christians what amounted to construction paper).

The weird thing to me, though, is that St. Valentine had no pookie of his own. One would think that a legend of love would’ve found love himself, but if you Google “St. Valentine’s girlfriend,” “St. Valentine’s boyfriend,” or “St. Valentine’s Match.com,” you just wind up going down a bunch of rabbit holes.

Sadly, most accounts agree that not only did St. Valentine not have a significant other, but he was beheaded for defying Claudius. Adding insult to injury, his execution took place on February 14, which happens to be Valentine’s Day.

That’s a helluva coincidence if you ask me.

Thankfully, Bobby’s sacrifice did not go unnoticed and ultimately served as the catalyst for modern Valentine’s Day celebrations.

I assume at a marketing meeting held to monetize it the pitch went something like this:

“OK, let’s brainstorm gang – we need a holiday designed around romance that makes people want to spend money. Go.”

“How about Romance Day?”

“Nah, that’s a little too on the nose. Good try though, Karen.”

“I’m thinking Bomp-Chica-Pow-Wow Day where everybody gets naked and throws money at each other.”

“Yeah, clever Stan, but not too family-friendly.”

“Karen, I see you have your hand raised again. Do you have another idea?”

“I do – Valentine’s Day! That was the day that priest and/or bishop got his head cut off for marrying people and passing out construction paper. We could convince stores to sell big, red hearts, or red flowers – roses, maybe – and tell consumers it’s the day when they should spend money on their significant others. I guess we could also push the sale of guillotines, but I’m not sure we want to deal with the liability issues there.”

“I love it, Karen! Let’s make it happen.”

The next thing you knew a beautiful, romantic tradition was born and the rest is lipstick-covered history.

Obviously, there are many different ways to mark February 14. Mary and I plan a cozy evening at home watching a rom-com (either “Pet Sematary” or “They Live”) while dining on the finest peanut butter and Ritz crackers.

But if you should find yourself snarfing up a Cheddar Bay Biscuit and happen to bite down on something hard, don’t worry … It could be an engagement ring.

Of course it could also be the tip of Cupid’s arrow, so be careful.

You might chip a tooth.