Category: Fiction Factor

The faded silver door to the exploration craft groaned and whistled as it slowly opened, hesitating slightly before finally – and violently – swinging upward and coming to a grinding stop.

The travelers on board, Dr. Glandick 871 and Dr. Torlock 6096, gingerly stepped to the edge of the Class G vessel and jumped to the ground.

There was a time a few centuries earlier when journeys to Original Earth were considered prime missions. Not only were the top Voyagers from Replica Earth dispatched, but the inhabitants of RE anxiously awaited their return. Clues to what happened to the dead planet might help to determine the ultimate fate of its namesake.

But over time, it became apparent the missions were yielding nothing of intrinsic value. Scientists were unable to determine the nature of the extinction level event, and the fact that it was little more than a burned-out shell meant most evidence of civilization was wiped out.

Oh, there had been bits and pieces of structures salvaged, along with skeletal remains of ancient humans and animals to make for an interesting display at the Replica Earth Interactive Museum. And some literature was found, enough to speculate about the forms of religion and government that had been practiced. But Genus Homo Prime had limited knowledge of who they once were and what their purpose was, and with each decade that passed, there was less curiosity about it.

Thus, those who chose to continue to make the star flight back and forth from RE to OE had to do so on decommissioned shuttles using discretionary funds – funds that would soon be gone. Ambassadors of the Replica Earth Collective saw such anthropological work as little more than vanity projects for researchers.

Glandick 871 remained curious, though. There were once philosophers and faith leaders – who were they and what did they teach? And millions of people on RE called “Cinder Heads” had ushered in a retro phase in which they spent time celebrating OE for what it was, or at least what they thought it was.

It might not matter to the majority of Genus Homo Prime anymore, but any information gleaned could still prove to be worth studying. And after this latest mission, perhaps a glimpse into its long-extinct inhabitants might be at hand.

Torlock 6096 had unearthed what appeared to be the full text from an ancient printed work on a dig, and – to date – it was the only one of its kind ever recovered. There were examples of artwork that had been found on OE, but never more than a few pages of written words. This discovery was unprecedented and truly remarkable.

Glandick 871 had placed the find in a transparent, element-proof cube and clutched it tightly as he made the dusty walk from the craft to the laboratory with Torlock 6096.

“So,” Torlock 6096 asked, “from a philosophical standpoint, this could be the greatest find in Genus Homo Prime history, could it not?”

Glandick 871 sighed.

“Could be … could very well be – to those who think like us. The problem is, I don’t think it much matters to the Collective. Every time we make a trip to OE, they keep telling us how many trillions of Currency Units have already been wasted and they’re weary of wasting it on us because we learn nothing new. But who knows? If we can figure out what this means, we can pass it on to those who participate in Knowledge Symposiums. If they find it useful in some historical or kitschy sense then maybe – maybe – they’ll at least give us a stipend for more missions.”

Once inside the lab, Glandick 871 placed the cube on a luminosity table and carefully lowered a translation scope over the text. The scope was able to reconstruct parts of what had been written and drawn, and the cleaning process helped remove the centuries of debris that had collected.

Translation protocols were initiated, and the pair of scientists were excited to learn they had uncovered – in chronological order – 388 pages. What they read, however, could best be described as fictitious prose.

“Considering what is written, I posit that this must have been a popular story among ancient Earth dwellers,” Glandick 871 said. “And while that has great meaning to you and I and likely the Cinder Heads, I doubt seriously that the Collective would see it as worthy of additional subdizizing. But – and just hear me out – what if we can convince them that this is the holy text to one of Earth One’s religions? There are trials, tribulations, good, evil … this is a cautionary tale, and one that ends in a measure of redemption. Let’s prepare a brief and present it to the Collective.”

Torlock 6096 was stunned.

“But we don’t really believe this, do we?” she said with brows raised. “I mean, this is a monumental discovery in its own right, and we should celebrate it. But presenting it as anything else is being deceptive. It’s not a holy book, it’s just … a book.”

Glandick 871 shrugged.

“Deceptive? I believe deception for the greater good is merely guilelessness in disguise. We know there is more to be learned about OE, but we also know we won’t have the opportunity again if we don’t take some liberties.”

The next morning the pair appeared before a small assembly of ambassadors via hologram.

“Eminences, we deeply appreciate your time today and we think it’ll be well worth it,” Glandick 871 said. “As you know from the advance material you received, our latest trip to Original Earth resulted in the discovery of 388 pages of what we  believe to be an authoritative book of scripture. After this find, we would request that we be able to return in hopes of uncovering even more books representing more faiths. There is obviously much more to the lost civilization and we feel there might also be invaluable artifacts to be uncovered.”

Members of the collective read the first passage:

The great fish moved silently through the night water, propelled by short sweeps of its crescent tail. The mouth was open just enough to permit a rush of water over the gills. There was little other motion: an occasional correction of the apparently aimless course by the slight raising or lowering of a pectoral fin—as a bird changes direction by dipping one wing and lifting the other.

“It appears that the deity of OE worshippers are what scientists once called Carcharodon Carcharias,” Glandick 871 said. “But more importantly, we have  learned the title of the book is JAWS, which we believe is an acronym for Journal Attesting Worship Sects. It is written by Peter Benchley, who we assume was most likely a highly placed spiritual leader. With your support – and your funding – we are confident we can excavate even more of his teachings and, thus, uncover the secrets of Original Earth.”

Carlton looked at Talia sitting on the church pew and wished he could somehow comfort her. Instead, he found himself trying to process the off-kilter thoughts that popped into his head.

The way he balled up his socks and launched them into the dresser in the bedroom, basketball style, always bemused his wife. Then again, the list of his quirks – and minor transgressions – was a long one.

Aside from the Sock Incident of 2004 (“I was aiming for the top drawer and didn’t mean to break your cherub figurine,”) there was the Failure To Put  A Second Coat of Paint On The Garage Door Incident of 2007 (“I know it looks streaky now, but after it dries it’ll probably be fine”); the Undercooked Chicken Incident of 2009 (“I’m pretty sure the meat’s supposed to be purple and slightly cool when you cook it on a gas grill”); the I Didn’t Realize Mrs. Marsh Was Looking Out Her Window When I Peed By The Side Of The House Incident of 2011 (“I’m not sure I want to live in a country where a man can’t drain the weasel without some busy-body spying on him”); and the Whole Milk Incident of 2015 (“I swear to god, I thought it was 1 percent.”)

Carlton was careless and never had an eye for details. He probably deserved to be yelled at for some of the stupid things he’d done – although Talia never yelled because she wasn’t that kind of person. She was, in fact, about the best human being he’d ever met. He, on the other hand, wanted to be a better man but just didn’t quite have the energy to get there.

Oh, over the years he’d thought of himself as a relatively funny guy, and was convinced that was his best quality. But there was more to being an adult than making people laugh (although he truly wished that was all that was required).

Beyond that, he valued his abundant leisure time, which hardly lined up to the constantly-in-motion Talia. While she could always think of things that needed to be done and was ready to jump on any task, he was thinking of ways to put off doing them.

If he wasn’t getting paid to work, he surmised, he didn’t see much reason to work at all. And once he retired from the insurance agency, he figured he had a license to flop.

Lazy streak notwithstanding, he knew he was annoying. He absent-mindedly made a whistling noise while he read, smacked his lips when he ate, slurped when he drank and had a talent for finding that last nerve to get on.

What bothered him today, though, was how little he had cared about “couple time.”

He recalled a conversation he’d had with Talia just a couple of weeks earlier.

“I’m headed to the outlet mall. Why don’t you tag along?” Talia asked.

“Nah, I’m gonna hang around the house,” Carlton whined. “Just don’t have any interest whatsoever in peopling.”

“So, in other words, you’ll just sit around, drink beer and think deep thoughts?”

“Well, actually, most of the deep thoughts will be about beer. But you know I hate shopping, so there’s no point in me going … I’d just slow you down. And, I always get distracted by that cinnamon roll store. Man, those cinnamon rolls are so good they’re sexy.”

Talia shook her head and laughed.

“Well, sorry you aren’t going with me. Maybe next time. I’ll bring you back a cinnamon roll, though.”

“Thanks, hon,” Carlton said, while grabbing for the TV remote. “You’re the best.”

Carlton’s routine involved popping open a beer at noon, eating a frozen pizza, and then concentrating on sports – or one of those ubiquitous man vs. nature shows. It was how he capped off almost every day of retirement.

While Talia liked to hole up in the den to watch something on the Hallmark Channel, Carlton much preferred to sneak away to his man cave to drink more and watch men in caves.

He knew Talia had no interest in seeing a pair of modern day pioneers kill, roast and eat Bigfoot and then wash it down with a piping hot cup of repurposed urine, so he never asked her to join him. And he had no interest in sitting through a show about star-crossed opposites who hooked up during a meet-cute, had no money, but survived on the currency of love.

Thing is, she never complained – not once. She had always accepted him the way he was, even though he had a hard time doing the same.

Especially today.

So here he was, watching her grieve at his funeral, wishing he would’ve lived long enough to say, “Sure, I’ll watch that Hallmark Christmas movie with you. It’ll be fun.”

Sadly, those were words she’d never hear from him because ghosts can’t talk to the living.

Even worse, they don’t get do-overs.

Thank you for calling the Reincarnation Hotline. We are currently experiencing a higher than usual call volume, which may result in a longer wait time. Please stay on the line and a representative will assist you as soon as possible. Be assured that your call is very important to us. This call may be monitored or recorded for quality control.

Calvin Holloway – or at least the soul occupying Calvin Holloway – was nothing if not patient. It had done this dance many, many times before, although this was the first time reincarnation business was being conducted over the telephone. A lift music version of Tina Turner’s  I Might Have Been Queen played on a continuous loop, and the Soul found itself mindlessly humming the tune as it awaited the chance to talk with an agent.

Holloway, 32, would die in a workplace accident on Halloween. He’d leave behind a wife and young daughter, and plenty of family and friends who’d miss him. All in all, he was a kind human being. The soul made it so, working from Holloway’s first moment to mold him into the person he would ultimately become. Souls could chase the light or wallow in darkness, and this soul had always wanted to shine. That being the case, the spirit about to exit Holloway was confident it would find a happy – albeit temporary – home once Holloway was gone.

Finally, the recorded music stopped and there was a slight delay.

“Thank you for calling the Reincarnation Hotline, this is Shanti, how may I help you?”

“Hi, Shanti, I’m the soul of Calvin Holloway … he’s scheduled for transition tomorrow at 10:16 a.m., Central Daylight Time, in Lake County, Illinois, United States. My ID number is 65309827630987156242470.”

The soul heard the rapid clacking of a keyboard.

“Just looking that up for your right now, 65309827630987156242470, and thank you so much for having that information handy,” Shanti said. “The transitioner is Calvin, C-A-L-V-I-N, Holloway, H-O-L-L-O-W-A-Y, reborn March 16, 1992, in Des Moines, Iowa, United States. Is that correct?”

“It is. He’s a lineman for the county, and tomorrow he’s going to be electrocuted while performing maintenance from his bucket truck.”

“Oh,” Shanti said. “Like that Glen Campbell song.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“You said he’s a lineman for the county … it reminded me of that song Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell. You know … I am a lineman for the county, and I drive the main road, searchin’ in the sun for …”

“Oh, OK … gotcha,” the soul said. “Never really thought about it before.”

The clacking resumed.

“Just for our records, could you name the past three vessels you’ve inhabited, along with the years of inhabitation?”

“Sure,” said the soul. “There was Rita Showalter from 1933-1992; Atrem Boyko, 1874-1933; and Hattie Grant, 1837-1874. I’ve memorized almost all of them if you need more, of course we’d be here a while.”

“Oh, no, 65309827630987156242470,” Shanti said with a chuckle. “Just needed the three most recent and again, thank you for having that information ready. Now, how may I help you today?”

This soul had been, well, a good soul, so it always wound up helping humans be the best versions of themselves. It wondered, though, what it would be like to inhabit an animal again.

Instead of dealing with all that entails functioning in an industrial society, a simpler existence might be welcome – at least for a while.

“I realize you guys have these things lined up already, but I was wondering if maybe it would be possible to be a dog on my next occupancy,” it said. “Not that I’m complaining about any of my assignments – they’ve all been rewarding – but I was just hoping maybe after all these eons I could try it again. That’s where I started, and I kinda miss it.”

There was a brief pause followed by furious clacking.

Then there was another pause.

Then more clacking.

“OK, 65309827630987156242470,” Shanti said, “You have been a terrific soul from the outset and you’ve never received anything but exemplary marks. I’m looking at your record now and it’s quite impressive. But I have to tell you, it’s really, really hard to get matched with a dog in this particular era. We get that request quite a bit as I’m sure you can imagine, and we turn down thousands more than we accept.”

The soul sighed.

“I don’t know if this is your area of expertise, but is there any advice you can give me … I mean, is there something in particular I need to do to get a dog gig again?”

“I wish I knew what to tell you,” Shanti said, a hint of sadness in her voice. “I’d say just keep doing what you’re doing, and your odds will get better each time. As you know, there’s no higher honor than being a canine’s soul. Once you begin that journey, you also learn about the souls of humans. And unfortunately, you don’t always like what you learn, which is why we try to place the souls of very good dogs into people in an effort to make them very good … or as good as possible. You and souls like you are desperately needed in that capacity. But at some point, I’m sure you’ll go back in the canine rotation.

“Now, according to our records, Nori Yoshida, who will be born at 12:16 p.m., November 1, in Tokyo, Japan, is your next stop. You’ll guide her as she becomes a childhood educator and I know you’ll do a wonderful job, as always.”

“OK,” the soul said. “I appreciate the opportunity. One last question… I met this great dog about 40,000 years ago and its soul was the personification of good. I think the ID was 11786340086391205348529. Any idea where it might be today?”

Shanti did a quick search on her computer.

“I got that information right here,” she said. “It’s inhabiting Dolly Parton. Is there anything else I can help you with, 65309827630987156242470?”