How smart are dogs and cats? I’ve done my own research

Science, the practice that has helped the smarter ones among us accept that the earth is round and a tomato is a fruit, is at it again.

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

This time, scientists are studying the age-old question of which species is smarter – cats or dogs.

And according to researchers at Vanderbilt University, dogs win.

You see, the number of neurons in the brain is associated with higher intelligence, and apparently pooches have far more than pusses.

“I believe the absolute number of neurons an animal has, especially in the cerebral cortex, determines the richness of their internal mental state and their ability to predict what is about to happen in their environment based on past experience,” neuroscientist Suzana Herculano-Houzel told ScienceAlert magazine.

While we once thought cats had the clear edge here, this study showed that dogs have 530 million cortical neurons to 250 million for cats. And I’m not about to argue with anyone wearing a lab coat.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have never given this much thought because, frankly, I never cared.
I spent many years of my life as a “dog person” and mainly dealt with cats on a supervised visitation basis only. However, cats have been a major part of my world the past 10 years, so now I’m also a “cat person.”

In fact, while the cast of characters has changed much over the years due to various Rainbow Bridge crossings (and don’t ask me to read the Rainbow Bridge poem because I’ll just start to cry, dammit), my wife and I are currently parents to one dog and two shelter cats.

The dog is Charlie, a 9-year old Shetland sheepdog; the ginger cat is Thor: God of Thunder, age 3; and our gray and white long-haired tabby is Bane: Breaker of the Bat. He’s just 6 months old.

Cats and dogs cannot talk, obviously, so I couldn’t ask them a series of questions to determine their intelligence. So I had to sit them at a table with pen and paper and get them to write down what was important to them.

Here are the results:

 

CHARLIE

Food in morning good.

Food in afternoon good.

Food at night good.

Olive that fall on floor good.

Dessert in sandy box for cats good.

Treats is good.

Butt of Baby Cat good.

Belly rub that makes leg move fast is good.

Man and Wo-Man that kisses top of head good.

 

THOR

Let’s see … where do I begin?

I sleep approximately 20 hours a day, utilizing various locales throughout the facility provided by Wo-Man and Man.

I do enjoy a good book, and am currently reading a biography of Nikola Tesla, best known for his contributions to the design of the modern alternating current electricity supply system. A truly interesting Man who I understand possessed a magnificent singing voice.

The sustenance is adequate as a cylinder situated on a high, flat surface is most often filled with crunchable food stuffs. On occasion a softer, more flavorful meal is provided, but I’ve yet to determine what actions on my part initiate this activity.

Dog is harmless and mildly amusing, while Baby Cat is a weird little bastard.

 

BANE

Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding. The shadows betray you, because they belong to me. I will show you where I have made my home while preparing to bring justice. Then I will break you.

Ah. I’m just funnin’ with you. That’s from The Dark Knight Rises, which is a DVD Man plays a lot so I’ve had a chance to memorize a bunch of lines. I’ll sit on his lap while he watches, and occasionally he’ll give me skitches on the chin and kisses on the head.

Life is pretty chill here … plenty of eats.

Dog and I get along well. We play a lot and he licks my ears and butt. Not sure how I feel about the latter yet.

I love messing with Older Cat. He used to beat me up when I was little, but a couple of weeks ago I went Medieval on his ass and he’s a little scared of me now.

Wo-Man is cool. She combs me a lot and, like Man, kisses me on the head.

That sums it up. If you have any more questions shoot me a text and I’ll get back with you.

 

After reading these responses one would be inclined to believe that perhaps the research is wrong – cats do seem to be smarter than dogs.

As far as I’m concerned, though, all the science isn’t in yet.

After all, Charlie won a combined $367 from Thor and Bane playing poker last Friday.

Bill Clark the only logical choice for coach of the year

It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally bias and logic line up perfectly.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

So on Tuesday when I received my Football Writers Association of America ballot for the 2017 Eddie Robinson Coach of the Year Award, I voted for UAB’s Bill Clark.

And it was an easy decision.

Yes, I’m a UAB grad.

Yes, every Saturday during this college football season the only game I had a rooting interest in was the one involving the Blazers.

Yes, a big green flag with a dragon on it waves in front of my house throughout the scholastic year – a sign of my support for my alma mater in all sports.

Go ahead and accuse me of being a UAB fan because I am one.

But here’s the thing … voting for Clark shows no bias at all. In fact, it’s the logical choice.

I don’t know if he’ll win the FWAA honor, but he should – and he’s going to get a lot of votes from a lot of people who never gave UAB football a passing thought before it became impossible to ignore.

This is a team that heads to the Bahamas Bowl with an 8-4 record, despite not playing for two full seasons. That’s almost unbelievable.

Why?

Well, when school president Ray Watts coldly and cruelly shut the program down after a 6-6 campaign in 2014 (Clark’s first year at the helm), UAB football was quickly gutted.

Many of the players who helped the Blazers recover from the nightmarish regimes of Neil Callaway and Garrick McGee scattered to other schools (you’re welcome, South Alabama), and there was certainly no reason for Clark to hang around.

He could’ve cut and run after the ax fell and been an immediate success almost anywhere else, probably as a highly paid Power 5 assistant. Who knows, he might have even landed at a place with a trustworthy president and a board of trustees that wanted to help instead of hurt.

But a lot of hell-raising, cash-raising fans and big money Birmingham business leaders helped prompt Clark – a man of faith ­– to take a leap of faith and stay.

And when, against all odds, Blazer football was reinstated, Clark was ready to get to work.

And soon he was standing in front of a handful of holdovers and hopefuls, young men who were already special because they committed to being part of something special.

But let’s be realistic. Taking two years off in the Football Bowl Subdivision is not a recipe for success. Just ask SMU how long it takes to recover from the death penalty.

So 2017 was much more than a rebuilding project, it was a hard reboot. And talking as a fan, if UAB had finished 1-11 or 2-10, I wouldn’t have been at all discouraged.

I said the before the season started I’d be thrilled with a 4-8 record because that was the worksheet that seemed most realistic.

Clark thought otherwise.

He knew otherwise.

He convinced the kids that they were far better than even their biggest supporters believed, and before long they were proving everybody wrong.

These guys had absolutely no business whatsoever registering eight victories, yet they did. And while they didn’t win a division title or play for any kind of championship, no team in the country rose from nothing to something like the Blazers did.

And no coach in the country did a better job than Clark.

Sure, there are plenty of solid coach of the year nominees.

Lane Kiffin showed he was more than just an epic Tweeter when he turned a 3-9 Florida Atlantic team into the 10-3 Conference USA champions.

Army’s Jeff Monken has led the Black Knights to eight wins heading into this weekend’s showdown with Navy.

Scott Frost – right before he was named the new head coach at Nebraska – guided Central Florida to a 12-0 mark and will coach the Knights against Auburn in the Peach Bowl. A win there and UCF will finish as the only team in the FBS with a perfect record.

Lincoln Riley has Oklahoma in the College Football Playoff in his first season; Kirby Smart has Georgia in the CFP in his second; Fresno State’s Jeff Tedford transformed his Bulldogs from a toothless team to one with both bark and bite; and reigning national championship boss Dabo Swinney continues to build a dynasty at Clemson.

All of these coaches have done remarkable jobs.

Only one, however,  brought a program back to life.

So if you want to accuse me of voting for Clark as my choice for coach of the year because I’m biased, I’ll offer no defense.

But if you don’t think he’s the logical choice, maybe you’re dealing with some biases of your own.

It’s hard to fit 5 leagues into 4 playoff spots

By the time Saturday night had slipped into Sunday morning, the politicking on Twitter was in full force.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

Fans of one-loss Alabama (11-1) were convinced the Crimson Tide was worthy of a spot in the College Football Playoff.

Supporters of two-loss Ohio State (11-2) – the freshly crowned Big Ten champions – were equally sure their Buckeyes deserved to join No. 1 Clemson (12-1) , No. 2 Oklahoma (12-1) and No. 3 Georgia (12-1) in college football’s most exclusive club.

So back and forth they went, bashing “experts” who disagreed with them while praising third parties who shared their party line.

Of course ultimately it came down to the CFP Selection Committee, whose members knew they would be highly unpopular in either Tuscaloosa or Columbus, depending on their decision.

Turns out it was Columbus that was the Whine Capital of the college football world today when Nick Saban’s charges grabbed the last spot and left Urban Meyer’s team out of the Final Four.

And while college football has changed dramatically since it first came to be nearly 150 years ago, complaining fans remain the one constant.

They’ll moan about their team being disrespected, groan about them being overlooked, and wail about the kids being unappreciated. Shoot, sometimes they even have a point.

And woe were the denizens of “The Discovery City” once they discovered their team wasn’t considered pretty enough to go to the dance.

“The committee views Alabama as a non-champion that is unequivocally one of the four best teams in the country, and that’s why they are in,” CFP committee chairman Kirby Hocutt said on a teleconference earlier today. “Here is why the committee ranked Alabama at No. 4.  Alabama has one loss, and it was on the road to now No. 7 Auburn. Ohio State has two losses, one by 15 points at home to Oklahoma, and the other more damaging by 31 points at unranked Iowa.
“Alabama is superior in just about every statistical category that we think are important. For example, they are No. 1 or No. 2 in every key defensive category.”

The Buckeyes had a Big Ten title going for it (a 27-21 victory over previously unbeaten Wisconsin last night), but as Hocutt said, both of their defeats were by substantial margins and one was simply horrible.

Plus, a two-loss team has yet to crack the CFP.

And as tempted as Ohio State faithful might’ve been to demand entry because their team won its league title, history was not on their side. Last year’s Buckeyes were playoff-bound while Penn State hoisted the Big Ten trophy – yet was assigned to the “New Year’s Six” Rose Bowl.

(11-2 Southern Cal won the Pac-12 title on Friday, by the way, but not a lot of fuss was made about the Trojans’ playoff snub. USC and Ohio State will meet in the Cotton Bowl on Dec. 29).

“You have to understand, they’re not kind of disappointed – they’re probably devastated,” Meyer said of his players. “But that’s one thing families do. How do you handle devastation? Get around those you love and let’s go back to work.”

Alabama hardly ended its season on a high note, which gave Ohio State hope it could play its way into the CFP.

UA had to rally late to beat a middlin’ Mississippi State team on Nov. 11; logged an easy win over Mercer a week later in a game that, frankly, should have never been scheduled; and then fell to Auburn 26-14 in the Iron Bowl – a contest that saw the Tide get outplayed and Saban, outcoached.

“Even though we didn’t finish in the last game like we’d like, we feel like the committee did a great job of picking the four best teams,” Saban said this afternoon. “We certainly feel like we’re one of the four best teams.”

Of course he does. But remember what I’ve been saying from Day One – this is more an invitational than a traditional playoff. And unless some major lawyering takes place, the Football Bowl Subdivision is contractually obligated to a four-team format for another decade.

And that’s too bad.

I was pimping a 16-team playoff long before it was a twinkle in the NCAA’s eye – back when the FBS was still Division 1-A. That model is based on the myth that all “major” college football programs are part of the same classification.

They aren’t. In name maybe, but not in practice.

The Power 5 conferences run the show and the Group of 5 schools are the second division of the FBS. That’s why 12-0 Central Florida, the only unbeaten team among its 130 members, never had any chance whatsoever of making the playoff.

And as long as the CFP is a Power 5 product, teams from leagues like the American Athletic and Conference USA never will.

So let’s just go ahead and admit that – in the eyes of college football’s overlords – there are only 65 major college teams (that includes all Power 5 conference members plus Notre Dame).

But even if you decrease the sample size to that number, the current CFP is still insufficient.

If there are five power conferences, shouldn’t playoff spots be available to the champions of those conferences?

And with the SEC taking up two places this year, more hell will be raised and the heat will be hotter as the CFP is cussed and discussed heading into next season.

Based on the committee’s final rankings, an 8-team playoff in 2017 would feature Clemson, Georgia, Oklahoma, Ohio State and Southern Cal as conference champ qualifiers, while Alabama, Wisconsin and Auburn would make it in as wildcards.

That would’ve left Penn State, Miami and Washington – all 10-2 ­– on the outside looking in.

Their fans – like those of Ohio State today – would also be upset, but with all leagues represented in the tourney the “fairness factor” would be adequately addressed.

Fairness, however, doesn’t really come into play.

So on New Year’s Day, the Sugar Bowl will have Superfight III between Clemson and Alabama, and the Rose Bowl will match up Georgia and Oklahoma in their first-ever gridiron meeting.

If the Crimson Tide and the Bulldogs both lose, the committee will look bad for putting two SEC teams in the field.

But even if they both win, building its entire format around five conferences but having room for only four participants makes the CFP look even worse.

Just ask Ohio State fans.