Author: Scott Adamson

Trips to the dentist aren’t as horrifying as they once were

My dentist and his staff are great people. They’re highly skilled, have a great drill side manner, and do everything in their power to make my visit as pleasant as possible.

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

Still, “going to the dentist” is a terrifying experience for me.

Here’s why.

I’ve had dental issues ever since I was a little kid.  Without dentists, orthodontists, periodontists and other kinds of “dontists,” I would either be walking around with hillbilly teeth or no teeth at all.

As a child I had this one tooth that was basically a fang, and if a kind dentist – I think his name was Van Helsing – had not removed it and done some sort of dental voodoo, I would currently look like half a vampire.

All that being said, I was quite the little trooper up until my mid-teens. Thanks to nitrous oxide (laughing gas), I would get good and relaxed before any dental work was done, and the procedures were mostly run of the mill.

I might leave with a numb lip and sore gums, but it was no biggie.

Then came 1978.

For reasons I can’t fully recall – or perhaps simply don’t wish to – I found myself at a dentist who did not provide laughing gas.

Strike one.

I needed a filling, so he had to give me a shot of Novocain in the upper left side of my mouth. But early on in the drilling, I started experiencing some pretty intense pain because the shot didn’t completely deaden the area.

Strike two.

After a couple more shots kinda/sorta did the trick, he again started the process of drilling, but part of the tooth shattered. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I finally had a full understanding of how Dustin Hoffman felt in “Marathon Man.”

Any time I hear the phrase, “Is it safe?” I pee a little.

Strike three.

Because of my fear, I spent years completely avoiding the dentist, and that dental neglect naturally led to a lot of problems as an adult. Only until I had a mind-numbingly painful abscess did it reach the point where I looked like that mountain man in “Deliverance” and decided I had to get back in the chair.

Even then, I wanted assurances.

Do they provide nitrous? And if so, will there be plenty on hand when I arrive? And if so, is there a chance they can go ahead and dose me while I’m in the waiting room?

If not, do I qualify for medical marijuana? And if that isn’t an option, would it be cool to spark up a joint?

(The answer, by the way, was no on all counts).

The fear was irrational, but very real. And I was not ashamed to admit that having dental work done was one of the very last things I wanted to endure.

So when I finally relented and returned to the dentist’s office for some major work, I asked that they crank up the nitrous to 11. I sniffed as hard as I could because – and I’m being completely honest here – I wanted my ass high before anyone came at my mouth with a needle.

Despite the gas I still remember gripping the armrests as hard as I could and contorting my legs in such a way that I looked like I was either trying to score a goal via a bicycle kick, or acting out a scene from “Flashdance.”

But you know what?

I came through it fine.

I didn’t enjoy it because only a masochist would, but the doc and his team held my hand (figuratively) throughout the ordeal and did all they could to ease my angst.

And since that time – which was about 10 years ago – I’ve had everything from a root canal to a crown replacement, and every time they make a point to comment on what a big, brave boy I am.

So, no, I’ll never look forward to trips to the dentist, but I at least know the folks there are going to do a great job. And I’m very grateful to them.

They still won’t give me nitrous when they clean my teeth, though.

That kinda pisses me off.

Soccer culture war makes a stop in Chattanooga

Is it hyperbole to say the battle for the soul of American soccer is being waged in Chattanooga, Tennessee?

Scott Adamson opines about The Beautiful Game periodically in Sidewinder Insider.

Sure. That’s way over the top.

But I’m going to say it anyway because, in a sense, one of the battles for the soul of American soccer is most certainly being waged in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

In one corner you have Chattanooga Football Club, mainstays of the National Premier Soccer League (an affiliate of the United States Adult Soccer Association) and proof that adult amateur soccer can, indeed, be elite.

They have rabid support – led by the Chattahooligans – and have turned the Scenic City into the scene of some of the best grassroots soccer anywhere in the United States.

And in the other corner is Chattanooga Pro Soccer, an ownership group in the United Soccer League’s upstart USL Division III.

They’re set to field a team of paid players in 2019 under the umbrella of a league that is sanctioned by the United States Soccer Federation – and one that fits perfectly within the closed pyramid, American soccer model.

So why are so many people in Chattanooga pissed off about having two teams?

Because community soccer is a pretty big deal when you’ve built that community, and that’s what Chattanooga FC and its faithful have done over the past 10 years.

Founded in 2009, CFC has been not only a consistent winner on the pitch but a box office success as well. Playing at Finley Stadium, which seats 20,000-plus, the club is a solid draw and will never be accused of having “casual” supporters.

These people are true believers and have been given something to believe in for a decade.

Obviously the USL took notice, and decided it wanted a piece of the action. CFC chairman Tim Kelly, however, wants the homegrown team to chart its own course.

Simply put, he isn’t sold on the new league.

“It’s not a sustainable business model, we don’t feel,” he told the Times Free Press in Chattanooga. “We’re not going to (make a move like that) just to say we’re a pro team.”

Enter Robert Martino, a real estate agent in Utah who is now staking claim to soccer real estate near the Tennessee River.

“This is a fantastic opportunity and watershed moment for soccer fans in Chattanooga,” Martino said. “This market has proven that it has the right ingredients to launch and sustain a professional franchise, and we are excited to take this next step into USL Division III for fans and the community. I applaud the existing grassroots support and passionate fan base already in place in the city, and I welcome the opportunity for us to work together to realize the great vision for professional soccer in Chattanooga.

“Our goal is to build upon the remarkable soccer history that has been created here, and establish a professional club of which both fans and our community can be proud – one that will make a lasting contribution to what makes this city great.”

Yeah, that prepared statement didn’t go over terribly well with a good portion of the “passionate fan base already in place in the city,” – not according to Twitter mentions, anyway.

Adding insult to injury, (former) CFC general manager Sean McDaniel resigned from the club and joined forces with the new entity.

McDaniel is co-founder of Chattanooga FC and was an NPSL board member.

But, such is life in American soccer.

Club teams like the idea of putting down roots and seeing how big they can grow.

“We are pleased that CFC’s success has drawn national attention to our city, and we remain committed to keeping Chattanooga FC as Chattanooga’s homegrown team,” CFC tweeted. “Our club was founded for Chattanoogans by Chattanoogans, and, after 10 years, we are dedicated to growing Chattanooga FC in a fiscally responsible manner from the grassroots up. Professional soccer has eyed our incredible support in Chattanooga and now wants to enter our market. Chattanooga FC has grown organically, built a solid fan base, introduced the sport to kids and adults alike, helped launch a women’s team and hosted national teams from around the world. Chattanooga FC embodies the ‘Chattanooga Way’ where we bring the community together who share our values to make the city a better place. Our board is already working on plans for the 2019 season and we look forward to strengthening our bonds throughout the community during the off season.”

Franchise owners like the buy-in option, and the USSF heartily endorses this franchise model.

Whether it’s Major League Soccer or the USL, the idea is to identify markets, put a team in place, and make money for the owner/operators.

Nothing wrong with that, of course – no one gets into business to go broke – but the differences between community soccer and franchise soccer is stark. For clubs like CFC, community is the business.

In the case of the USL team in Chattanooga, team officials want to parachute into town after all the advance work has been done by the NPSL team. And they apparently expect Chattanooga FC supporters to share their allegiance, if not switch it.

“In light of recent circumstances, it’s important to reiterate that Chattanooga FC was built and not bought,” Kelly wrote on the club’s website on Friday.

Interim GM Sheldon Grizzle added, “Chattanooga FC has been homegrown from day one and we are committed to keeping it that way. In concert with our supporters and community stakeholders, against all odds, we have a created something truly unique in Chattanooga. Professional and amateur soccer team ownership groups from around the country continue to look at Chattanooga as an inspiration for what can happen when something is created from the ground up.”

Invading this territory is an extremely aggressive move by the USL (and by proxy, the USSF), so a peaceful coexistence just ain’t gonna happen. And you have to wonder why a fledgling league started such a big fight right out of the gate.

Franchises were already in place in Statesboro, Georgia, Greenville, South Carolina, Madison, Wisconsin, Tucson, Arizona, and Toronto, Ontario, Canada, in advance of a 2019 launch. And there are plenty of other cities to choose from that, unlike Chattanooga, don’t already have a club embedded in the town’s culture.*

*While Greenville FC just completed its first season and built a solid base, the city and USL Division III were already openly courting each other before the NPSL club was formed. In addition, Greenville Pro Soccer is spearheaded by a local ownership group.

Yet instead of respecting one of the crown jewels of lower division soccer, the USL opted for a power play and swooped in on a city that is already spoken for.

Does USL have a legal right to put a team in Chattanooga?

Absolutely.

Does that make it right?

It depends on whose side you’re on.

So get ready for one helluva fight.

And as a fan of grassroots soccer, I already know who I want to win.

Once a foe, Hancock is now CFP’s biggest cheerleader

By all indications, Bill Hancock is a really nice man.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

Every interaction I ever had with him was pleasant, and I’ve never heard anyone say a bad thing about him. He seems like a good dude in a world that has far too many bad dudes.

But, holy schnikes, it’s hard to believe the executive director of the College Football Playoff actually believes what he says when he talks about the CFP and bowl system.

With football media days kicking off last week, Hancock was in Atlanta to lift the lid on the SEC portion of the annual press fest. As expected, he raved about the Football Bowl Subdivision’s playoff system, which will crown its fifth champion Jan. 7, 2019, in Santa Clara, California.

“By every measure, the College Football Playoff has been highly successful,” Hancock said. “Fans love the CFP. It has provided a memorable experience for students, for players, for spirit squads, band members and all of their families in addition to millions of football fans, and we are bringing new fans into the game of college football into our sphere, showing them the wonders of this game that we all do love so much because of the College Football Playoff.”

Of course after Central Florida was the only unbeaten team in the FBS a year ago and locked out of the playoffs, there were (and are) those who think the tournament should be expanded to eight teams.

Not Hancock.

He suggests that the four-team CFP format is damn near perfect.

“The CFP works,” Hancock said. “It works well. Four teams keeps the focus on this wonderful regular season, the most meaningful and compelling in all of sports; four lets us keep the bowl experience for thousands of student-athletes; four keeps college football within the framework of higher education.”

Obviously, I wouldn’t expect him to say anything else. I mean, this is his job. If all 129 FBS teams were required to have green and magenta feathers sprouting from the top of their helmets, he’d be talking about how the green and magenta feathers add to the pageantry of Saturdays in the fall.

But remember, Hancock used to be head of the now defunct Bowl Championship Series – and fiercely opposed any kind of playoff system for what was once known as Division 1-A.

Here’s what he said during a radio interview with WDAE in Tampa back in 2011:

“The reason that the presidents and the coaches and ADs support what we have is two things. First of all, we have the best regular season in sports in large part because there’s no playoff at the end. We have three months of frenzy rather than three weeks of frenzy at the end of the season. Our folks feel strongly that’s in the best interest of the game. The second one is the bowl system, the bowl tradition, the bowl experience for the student athletes is so wonderful and worth keeping. No one has come up with any kind of a playoff that will keep that same bowl experience where the athletes get to go spend a week in a different culture and they’re the talk of the town.”

So there was a time not so long ago that Hancock thought a playoff would cheapen the regular season and bowls, and he believed that right up to the point when he decided a playoff would, in fact, be great for the regular season and bowls (which I’m sure coincided with being named ED of the CFP).

However, it’s a different gridiron world now, and I think this whole notion of “bowl tradition” is extremely overrated.

Yeah, it was cool back in the day – but back in the day there were only a handful of postseason “classics.”

I’m sure it was thrill for Michigan Wolverines tackle Johnny Plowboy from Hog Taint, Indiana, to board the train and head out to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena to play Southern Cal’s Trojans in a battle of unbeatens. It was his first time to go clear across the country on a big ol’ iron horse, and he got to gawk at sights ma and pa never dreamed of while they toiled away raising boll weevils in their backyard.

Today, players on teams with .500 records fly to Mobile, Alabama, and get swag bags from Dollar General.

And that’s fine, but let’s not pretend the modern bowl system is designed with tradition in mind.

And let’s not pretend the CFP is open to all, although Hancock tells you otherwise.

He’s trying to sell the CFP as something that’s good for the FBS as a whole, when in reality it’s good only for select members of the Power 5 conferences (ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac 10, and SEC).

“For the College Football Playoff, things are simple: Play a good schedule, win your games, and you’re going to be in the hunt,” Hancock said. “That holds true for UCF and Houston and Northern Illinois, as well as Alabama and Ohio State and Texas and Washington.”

I call B.S. on that.

There’s no way UCF, Houston or Northern Illinois is going to earn one of four playoff spots; there’s not even enough room for all the Power 5 schools.

The CFP website perpetuates the myth in its overview section where it states, “The College Football Playoff preserves the excitement and significance of college football’s unique regular season where every game counts.”

Really?

Because Auburn beat Alabama in the final week of the 2017 regular season, denying the Crimson Tide the SEC West title and a spot in the SEC Championship Game.

Still, Bama was invited to the CFP and went on to beat Georgia to claim the crown.

You’ll have a hard time convincing me the Iron Bowl counted to the CFP committee members. In terms of postseason pairings, one of the most meaningful rivalries in all of sports was meaningless.

And as long as only four teams are invited, schools from Group of 5 conferences (American Athletic, Conference USA, Mid-American, Mountain West, and Sun Belt) have zero chance of making the field.

Perhaps that’ll change one day, because with the money the CFP generates you have to figure the field will expand to eight teams in the foreseeable future.

Some will think that’s terrific, while others will lament the expansion.

But if Hancock is still the executive director then, I’ll bet he’ll say it’s the greatest thing to ever happen to the game.