High school was a long time ago for me, so many of the things that happened during those four years have faded from memory.
I still recall scoring my first goal in a soccer match (left-footed, no less … meaning it was an accident), losing my one and only after school fight (pugilism was never my strong suit, nor was being particularly strong), and renting a gray tuxedo for my senior prom (I guess I wanted to look like David Byrne from Talking Heads. Psycho Killer was a song that reallyspoke to me).
What stands out more than anything, though, was learning to be an ACE driver.
Yep, as part of my school’s drivers education program, we had to watch an old 1960s-era film about safe driving. The spokesperson, if I remember correctly, was Junior Miss Teen America USA Ingénue (or something along those lines), and she urged me to be an ACE driver – alert, courteous and educated.
And you know what?
Junior Miss Teen America USA Ingénue (or something along those lines) had a huge impact on my life, because I never forgot that acronym and the lessons that it taught. It has been my mantra ever since I got behind the wheel of my dad’s 1972 Gran Torino and thought, “Man, I hope Clint Eastwood makes a movie about this car in 2008.”
Alert? Darn tootin I’m alert … I’m “six cups of Italian Roast coffee and half a box of Vivarin plus I think I just saw a snake” alert when I’m driving.
I’m constantly watching for kids playing in the street, animals walking in the street, naked old people wandering onto the street, and super-smart monkeys who’ve escaped from a lab and join the kids, animals and naked old people on the street in an effort to give rise to a planet of the apes.
Courteous?
That’s me, baby. To a fault.
If I see you creeping up to a four-way stop, I’ll creep even slower because I’m a giver and I want you to be first and go first. And if we get to our stop sign destinations at the same time, I’ll wave you through.
And if you’re courteous, you might, in turn, try to wave me through.
But then I’ll frantically wave you through again and in an effort to avoid conflict and further eye contact, shift into reverse and start driving backwards, hoping there are no kids, critters, nude oldsters and talking apes back there.
Educated?
Absolutely. I even made the dean’s list a couple of times in college (although, admittedly, I don’t know what the list was for and how he planned to use it).
Of course, being an ACE driver means being educated in the ways of the Department of Motor Vehicles. To that end, here’s a sample question on a DMV Written Driving Test:
Using a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle is considered a distraction because: (A) It causes the driver to be concerned about the cost of the call; (B) It occupies the driver’s hands, eyes, and mind; or (C) It is an activity that draws the attention of other drivers.
The correct answer (spoiler alert) is B. When watching a video of funny cats on your phone, you should always pull over because your hands, eyes, and mind should be on cats and only cats. They’re a hoot.
Being an ACE driver has served me well during my 48 years of operating a motor vehicle. During that time I have gotten only two speeding tickets (both in South Carolina, where the po-pos didn’t approve of me going 77 in a 70-mile zone), and one citation for an expired tag (I just plain forgot one year).
And how, you ask, have I been able to keep such a (relatively) clean record?
All because of that cheesy film I watched during my sophomore year in high school.
So, I’d like to publicly thank Junior Miss Teen America USA Ingénue (or something along those lines) for the words of wisdom she shared – wisdom I’ve carried with me spanning five decades now.
Later today when I head to the grocery store to replenish my supply of fruits and vegetables, I’ll be alert (looking both ways to make sure smart monkeys aren’t in my path); courteous (if we’re both headed for the parking spot right next to the store entrance, I’ll let you have it unless I’m in a hurry and/or don’t like your looks); and educated (I’ll keep my college diploma in the passenger’s seat and show it to you upon request).
Happy motoring, fellow ACE drivers. I look forward to seeing you at the next four-way stop.
