Date night

Bright red hair, alabaster skin, ruby red lipstick, magenta sun dress, silver pumps – Lucy was a whirlwind of style as she made her way into the upscale Ultron Café. She wanted to look good, of course, but she also needed to make sure her date recognized her.

It was her first dip into a new online dating service, and although Richard had seen photos on her profile, she specifically told him to look for the “carrot top rocking hot colors.”

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Threads @sladamson1960, Spoutable @ScottAdamson and Adamsonmedia on Facebook.

For her part, she’d be keeping an eye out for a thin, dark-skinned man with a buzz cut, baby blue shirt and khaki pants.

The minute he walked through the door she recognized him and gave him a wave.

“Hi, Richard,” she said as he moved in for a hug. “So nice to finally meet you in the flesh. I hope you don’t mind … I’ve already got a table for us.”

The couple sat down and Richard ordered a bottle of red wine as soon as the waiter appeared.

“Wow,” Richard said. “You look even prettier in person, but I had no doubt you would. I’m so glad we’re finally making this happen.”

Lucy smiled and adjusted her bangs.

“Me, too,” she said. “It’s funny … I’ve tried so many of those other services but, as you might imagine, I wasn’t going to find the right fit. I mean, I couldn’t exactly be honest with any potential suitors.”

Richard laughed.

“No, honesty is definitely not the best policy with those others, is it?” he said. “But I was able to use them to my advantage, if you know what I mean.”

She did indeed, and felt relaxed enough to open up. Before she could, however, the waiter returned with a bottle of Pinot Noir and asked if they’d like an appetizer.

“I’m ready to order if you are,” Lucy said to Richard.

Both settled on the filet with baked potato and salad, and waited until the waiter was out of ear shot before resuming their conversation.

“OK,” she said. “Tell me about your first.”

Richard cleared his throat.

“Geez, you don’t waste any time, do you?” he said. “I like that in a woman. Well, it was at a rest stop off of I-85 in South Carolina. I had thought about doing it for years but as you know there’s a big difference between thinking about it and actually doing it. So, that was the beginning … and that was about 15 years ago.”

Lucy nodded.

“Fifteen years ago, huh?” she said. “And how many since then – and don’t give me an estimate, you know very well the exact number … guys like you keep track.”

Richard grinned.

“Twenty-three, and the last one was two weeks ago,” he said. “I was hoping to make it 25 by the end of the year. But that’s enough about me – time for you to dish. When and where was your first?”

Lucy looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.

“Believe it or not, it was my senior year in high school … at a drive-in in St. Louis,” she said. “But here’s the weird part – it was almost five years later before I did it again.”

“At the same drive-in or a different one?” Richard wondered.

“No, no,” she said. “Drive-ins are kinda hard to come by unless you want to travel. I like staying within a 50-mile radius, places like Mount Olive, Illinois, and De Soto, Missouri. it’s just kind of a rule I made up for myself a while back. Now it’s usually hotels. Cliché, I know, but effective.”

After the food came, Lucy and Richard dug in, chatting as though they had known each other for years. And considering how quickly they devoured their meal, it was obvious they wanted to continue the evening in a more intimate setting.

Richard flagged down the waiter, put cash on the table as soon as the check arrived, and reached for Lucy’s hand.

“I’m staying across the street,” he said. “Would like to come back to my hotel with me and – I don’t know – maybe compare notes?”

Lucy grabbed her purse, glanced at the vial of sodium cyanide resting near her keys, and winked.

As they made their way out of the restaurant and began to distance themselves from the other patrons, Lucy gave Richard a quick peck on the cheek.

“I’m so glad we found a dating site for serial killers on the dark web,” she said. “I’m having such a great time!”

Becoming a pickleball fan

My last job in the newspaper business (yes, kids, there used to be news that was printed on paper), was in Seneca, South Carolina. When I first started there – in June of 2016 – the staff was busily working on a story about an upcoming pickleball event in the area.

I was told I wouldn’t have to write anything about it because it was being handled by the news division instead of the sports department. That came as a relief; I had no idea on earth what pickleball was.

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Threads @sladamson1960, Spoutable @ScottAdamson, t2.social @adamson60, and Adamsonmedia on Facebook.

Seriously – I’d never heard of it. If you had told me it involved a bunch of morons flinging gherkins at each other, I’d have absolutely believed you.

But even when I read about it, I didn’t care. It just sounded like some sort of gimmicky pseudo-game. In fact, I thought it had just been invented (not realizing its roots date back to the mid-1960s).

For the next few years, I merrily went on my way, aware that pickleball existed but still not having the least bit of interest in the larger pickleball world.

So why is it that earlier this week I was excited that the Major League Pickleball Premier Level team Brooklyn Aces drafted Catherine Parenteau, Andrea Kopp, Hayden Patriquin and Tyler Loong?

And why did I want to know that the Challenger Level New York Hustlers took Jill Braverman, Kyle Yates, Sarah Ansboury and Jaume Martinez Vich?

Because I’m a fan of Major League Pickleball.

And the Aces are my favorite PL team.

And the Hustlers are my favorite CL team.

And I’m unapologetically hooked on it.

Moreover, it doesn’t involve people throwing pickles at each other – at least not that I’ve seen.

I’m not going to go into a tutorial about the sport here; if you’re interested, you either know the rules or are willing to learn more about it. If not, you’ve probably already abandoned this column and are now watching cartoons.

But I will say that it has become a pretty significant part of my life.

I credit my niece, Tina Maluff, with planting the seed. She lives in Jasper, belongs to a pickleball group there, and invited me up to play.

I like staying active and figured it couldn’t hurt to give it a try. I didn’t really expect to like it, but she was nice enough to be willing to teach me how to play, so I decided to have an open mind.

Man, I’m glad I did.

Saying it’s like tennis and ping pong had a one-night stand and produced a hard-headed baby might be an oversimplified (and weird) description, but I think it’s fair. I used to enjoy playing both, and pickleball captures the spirit of those games.

Yet, to enjoy playing it is one thing. What I didn’t anticipate was becoming a fan of watching it.

The players in MLP – and members of the Professional Pickleball Association Tour – are incredible.

The first time I watched I was looking for a soccer match on ESPN+ but came across a PPA pickleball event in Florida. A couple of hours later, I was busily eying the TV schedule in search of more.

It’s top-notch entertainment from high-level athletes who are very, very good at what they do. And what makes it more fun for me is that while I can’t play it at their level, I can play it at a level that provides great enjoyment. And considering how many trips I’ve made around the sun, I’m kinda proud of that fact.

Speaking of which, my niece and I will be competing in the Hops and Drops Pickleball Tournament July 29th at City Walk in Birmingham. We’re in the “Hops” division, which is for players still learning the game and who are more interested in having a good time than winning.

I’m pretty pumped, mainly because it’ll be fun for Tina and me (our team’s name is Kitchen Sync in case you wanna become groupies) to meet other people in the local pickleball community.

I doubt the Aces will be looking to add us to their roster following our performance, but who knows? If someone wants to form the Major League Senior Pickleball Just For Fun League and place a franchise in Birmingham, we’d love to be a part of it.

The $10,000 bill

Brady Lark walked into the Windy City Auction House, surveyed the marble floors and white columns leading up to the ceilings, and then sheepishly waved at the woman stepping out from behind a glass counter.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Are you the manager?”

Scott Adamson writes stuff. Follow him on Spoutable @ScottAdamson, Threads @sladamson1960 and t2.social @adamson60.

Amanda Archway extended her hand and smiled – providing a quick once-over of the young man adorned in gray high-waisted, wide-leg trousers, a V-neck polo shirt and black Oxfords.

“I’m actually a specialist here at WCAH, but I suppose that qualifies as being a manager. Is there something I can help you with?”

Lark handed over a crisp bill he pulled from an envelope.

“Gee, I certainly hope so,” he said. “My name is Lark – Brady Lark – and I don’t really know who I should talk to, but I was just wondering what this is worth.”

Archway eyed the currency, put on the reading glasses that had been dangling around her neck, and carefully studied it.

“My goodness,” she said. “A $10,000 bill. I’ll be completely honest … I’ve seen many antiques and antiquities, but I’ve never even seen one of these up close before. I’ve certainly never held it in my hand.”

She was hardly alone; very few people in the new millennium had seen an actual $10,000 bill. It hadn’t been issued since 1945 and was taken out of circulation in 1969.

When it came to monetary collectibles, this was one of the rarest of finds.

“Just by looking at its markings, it appears to authentic,” Archway said. “And it’s in pristine condition … truly remarkable. May I ask how it came to be in your possession?”

“It’s my grandfather’s,” he said. “He’s a scientist – was a scientist, I mean – and he was always curious to learn how much it had increased in value. He, uh, left it to me in his will.”

Archway walked over to her counter, gently laid the bill down, and began typing furiously on her phone.

“I’m going to get our on-site appraiser to look this over,” she said. “If he can authenticate this, I think we can make you an offer you’ll be extremely pleased with.”

Lark didn’t notice any chairs, so he nervously paced back and forth – hands in pocket – as Archway signaled the appraiser over to study the bill.

Although only a couple of minutes had passed when Archway approached him, the wait seemed interminable.

“Mr. Lark, sorry to keep you waiting,” she said. “There is no question that this is, in fact, a very real and truly exquisite $10,000 bill. There are only a handful left in the world and I can’t imagine ever finding one as well-preserved as this one.

“We’re prepared to offer you $100,000 for this bill.”

Lark’s eyes widened.

“Holy mackerel!” he exclaimed. “I really had no idea what you might offer. That’s a lotta clams.”

“Indeed,” she said. “You make a huge profit, and I’m quite sure we can do the same at auction. It’s a win-win for us both. It’s up to you, of course, but we can make this deal right here, right now. I just need some identification.”

Lark reached into his pocket and produced a driver’s license.

“Those are my credentials,” he said. “Oh, and you can just make the check out to me.

“Absolutely,” she said, quickly completing the necessary paperwork. “We truly enjoyed doing business with you and if your come across anything else from your grandfather’s estate, please keep us in mind. Here is your check.”

While the money was real, the fake ID he had purchased only hours earlier had allowed him to open a bank account and fool Archway. With the windfall from the sale of the $10,000 bill, he was supposed to spend a couple of days buying as many books on quantum mechanics as he could find and use the rest to purchase silver, which would power the time portal constructed by his grandfather.

Unfortunately, the device was good for only one, two-way trip – transporting at 8:34 Eastern Daylight Time on July 12, 1940 and retrieving at 8:34 Eastern Daylight Time on July 15, 2022.

Lark stared at the check and felt the color drain from his face; his grandfather was a genius, but even geniuses make miscalculations.

“I’m just looking at the date on here,” he said. “I thought it was July 12, 2022.”

Archway shook her head.

“No, Mr. Lark,” she said with a chuckle. “It’s July 12, 2023. Don’t worry … we all get our years mixed up sometimes.”