Month: July 2020

One of my favorite guilty pleasure TV shows is Survivorman, a reality series in which survival expert Les Stroud – armed only with his wits, harmonica, and whatever he finds between the seat cushions of his couch – puts himself in dire situations. Trapped in the most uninviting reaches of the wilderness he demonstrates how to make shelter, live off the land, and reach deep within himself to find the will to carry on against tremendous odds.

I watch because such things interest me, and because I thought there might come a time when what I learned would come in handy.

That time was 10:30 p.m. EDT on Tuesday when our power was knocked out. With no lights and no air conditioning, I was tasked with providing for my family as we faced desperate circumstances. I’m pleased to report I didn’t hesitate in springing into action.

The first thing I needed to do was find a source of illumination so I could search for supplies. Fortunately my fully-charged iPhone was just a few feet away and it has a flashlight feature, so that was one big problem I solved quickly.

I also figured I needed to seek intel about whether or not this was a worldwide outage due to a zombie attack or alien invasion, so I immediately looked at Twitter. While scrolling I saw a video of a cat apparently playing a piano, which was really funny since cats don’t normally play piano.

I then followed a thread where people were arguing about who would win a fight between Wonder Woman and She-Hulk, which was ridiculous because one is a DC property and the other belongs to Marvel. Plus, Wonder Woman is the daughter of Zeus and Hippolyta and possesses the power of the gods while She-Hulk – aka Jennifer Susan Walters – merely has gamma-irradiated blood. Let’s be realistic, people.

Anyway, the flashlight led me to the kitchen and I needed to do inventory on our food supply. I had no idea how long we would be without power, so I had to plan for the most extreme actuality.
I tend to hoard fig bars and I had 27 of those. That meant I was assured of at least 200 calories per day for the next 27 days. (These would not be shared with Mary or any of our critters because as self-appointed team leader I would need to eat one each afternoon so I could stay strong for the others).

A quick glance at the cabinet also revealed three large jars of peanut butter, six cans of black beans, two jars of Portobello mushroom spaghetti sauce, one can of olives, one box of saltine crackers, one can of artichoke hearts, two boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios and a three-pack of Wilson yellow tennis balls (featuring improved durability and performance with exclusive dura-weave felt. I’m not entirely sure how they got there).

Such items probably wouldn’t be as readily available in the wild, so there’s no doubt I got lucky on the food front. And a wave of relief washed over me because even without looking in the refrigerator I knew we had enough food to avoid the unthinkable – the unthinkable, of course, being the prospect of eating our animals.

As I sat in the darkened kitchen looking at videos on my phone and noshing on peanut butter and crackers, I dreaded the thought of having to sacrifice a pet in order to survive.

Which one would it be?

Charlie is too old, so his meat would likely be tough and stringy. He would be better repurposed for parts, i.e. carving his bones into weapons or making custom jewelry.

We’d keep the cats, Bane and Thor, in case we needed to make coats and hats from their fur. Also, they might learn to play the piano.

That meant Steve drew the short straw in the supper sweepstakes.

Young Chihuahuas are high in protein and – when placed on their backs – resemble Cornish game hens. As a vegetarian I shun meats and meat byproducts, but Survivorman makes it clear hard choices must sometimes be made and Steve was that choice.

My next and most immediate worry, however, was the lack of air-conditioning. Environmental temperatures over 130 degrees can result in heatstroke, while the temperature of my bedroom reaching 75 can result in me bitching about how hot I am.

When the power went out the temp in our house was 71, and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became unbearable and I’d be forced to climb on the roof naked.

But just as I opened the freezer and began dumping contents of the ice tray into my shorts, I heard the AC compressor kick on, the ceiling fan began to rotate, and the light I keep on in the bathroom in case I have a bad dream and wake up scared burned brightly.

The crisis was over, and I was able to exhale and admit it was possibly the most intense 55 minutes of my life.

Obviously we all have different ways of dealing with survival situations, but I’m glad the tips I learned from a TV show allowed me to make it through my own private hell.

It gives me a whole new perspective and I vow never to take my creature comforts for granted again.

The only negative is that every time I look at Steve now I can’t help but think about dinner. And truth be told, he does look tasty.

The other day I was having a nice conversation with our youngest cat, Bane, while we sat on the steps leading up to the upstairs bedroom. For some reason, this has become “our” spot – a quiet place reserved for us and us alone.

“Who is my pretty boy?” I asked as Bane purred loudly while rubbing his head against my hand. “You’re my pretty boy! You’re my big, beautiful boy and daddy loves you very much!”

Now for those of you who aren’t “animal people” such an exchange sounds insane, but it’s really pretty common for critter folk. It’s basically just a version of baby talk applied to animals.

Certainly, I don’t expect Bane to talk back.

And I realize I’m not his biological daddy. That would be disturbing and likely invite comparisons to The Island of Dr. Moreau films – both the bad one from 1977 with Burt Lancaster and the worse one with Marlon Brando that was released in 1996.

Anyway, the point is that Bane is part of my family, and this is how we communicate. But ours is a multiple animal household – two dogs and two cats. And just as humans engage with other humans in different ways, my dealings with our animals varies from one to another.

Charlie is our senior dog, and quite possibly the sweetest creature to ever sniff the earth. I’ve never heard him say a bad word about anyone. Come to think of it I’ve never heard him speak at all but if I did, he would speak well of others.

He likes to relax between 23 and a 23 and a half hours per day and enjoys sitting next to me with his chin resting on my knee. I’ll scratch him behind the ears and pat him on the butt occasionally, and our conversations are simple and brief.

“You’re a good boy, Charlie,” I’ll say. “Daddy loves you.”

And he’ll look and me and say nothing because – you know – he’s a dog. Yet, he is convinced I’m sincere and his gaze tells me he feels the same way.

Our oldest cat, Thor, is six, and we had him three years before we brought Bane home from the local shelter. He’s a sweet little guy and likes to crawl up on my lap and lay his head and left paw on my chest every morning while I’m still in bed. His is a head that demands to be kissed, so I kiss it while saying, “I love my little T-Bone.”

(T-Bone is his nickname … I don’t love actual T-bones because I’m a vegetarian).

Unfortunately, Thor is a nervous wreck and always has been. I can sneeze or burp and he’ll frantically leap from my lap and haul ass to the porch. Hours will go by before you see him again, and when you do he is more often than not cowering in a corner, biting his nails and occasionally smoking a cigarette.

The poor fellow shakes like Luther Heggs in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken when he’s nervous.

Then there’s Steve, the Chihuahua.

Most people think Chihuahuas are cute, what with their wiggly butts and bulbous eyes.

But you know who else was cute?

Damien from “The Omen.”

He was just a precious little child right up until his nanny hung herself at the behest of a hellhound – and it was discovered the tyke had the number of the beast on his head.

He wasn’t so cute then, was he?

Such is the case with Steve. Without warning he’ll show signs of demonic possession, complete with levitation, cursing and projectile vomiting. I don’t have it on video, but I’ve seen his head spin completely around on several occasions.

He launches unprovoked attacks on the other animals, lunges at my hand and bites my fingers every chance he gets, and our conversations mainly consist of me yelling, “Dammit, Steve!” “Stop it, Steve!” and “Dammit, Steve, stop it!”

But you know what?

I dearly love him, just as I dearly love Bane, Charlie and Thor. I’m still gonna rub his belly and kiss him on the noggin because I’m his daddy (though not in the biological sense, which I established earlier).

Oh sure, I’ll burn sage in the house from time to time and I’ve found an exorcist on Craigslist, but Steve’s an important part of the family.

Bottom line is I love all the furry ones the same even if I have to treat them all differently. That might seem odd to people who don’t live with animals, but I’m confident those of you who do understand this perfectly.

In parting, my only bit of advice is that if you ever decide to rescue a Chihuahua, you don’t need to bring a nanny into the picture.

It might end very, very badly.

I think it’s safe to say that Mary and I have fully adjusted to quarantine life.

While millions of our fellow Americans seem content to pretend COVID-19 is no big deal, we’re erring on the side of science, following recommendations from immunologists, and using common sense. This means we’ll stay home as much as we can – at least until our sentient ape overlords take control of the planet and give us the all-clear signal.

When we do have to go out, we wear masks and stay as far away from people as possible. But in order to steer clear of harm’s way we buy up a bunch of food during our trips and try to make it last. This has been a learning experience for me because I’m ashamed to admit I used to be pretty wasteful when it comes to grub.

Take loaves of bread, for example. As you know, they come with “end pieces” or “heels.” In the past, I considered end pieces the children of a lesser flour god and never thought about eating them. Not only do they look vastly different from the other pieces of bread, but they also get abused every time you open the package. Since they serve as the first line of defense before you get to the cool-looking slices, the heels get touched and nicked and quickly start to look like Leatherface from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

When I would get down to the two end pieces, I’d thoughtlessly put them in the garbage can. (One time I allegedly threw them at our neighbor across the street, but my lawyer has advised me not to comment on that situation until we find out if the CCTV footage is admissible in court).

Well friends, those days are over. Now, the heels of bread are honored members of our diet, serving as wonderful vessels for spreads such as peanut butter.

Speaking of which …

We go through a nutload of peanut butter, and did so even before the pandemic. Give me a peanut butter and fig preserve sandwich (possibly served between end pieces) and I feel like I’m eating like Queen Elizabeth – providing Queen Elizabeth eats peanut butter and fig preserve sandwiches.

There was a time, however, when I would often toss the jar of PB away while it still had stuff inside. It was easier to simply open a new jar instead of scrounging for remnants.

I shouldn’t have done that.

Nowadays I scrape and scratch and dig for every last bite of butter – right down to going full Winnie the Pooh and sticking my nose and tongue in the jar.

(The next time I’m faced with that situation I’m going to put on a red shirt and take off my pants to get the full Pooh experience).

We’re also big into fruit bowls – not the container itself but bowls filled with actual, edible fruit. Mary will dice up cantaloupe and pineapple and mix the pieces in with blueberries and that makes for a nice snack, especially during the summer months. Thing is, after a couple of days the cantaloupe gets bored and turns translucent.

There’s nothing really wrong with it – it just loses some of its flavor and is a tad off-putting from a visual standpoint. In the pre-COVID era such chunks would be chunked, but now even the see-through pieces of cantaloupe get gobbled.

And finally, there’s the potato chip issue.

A staple of my diet since I was a child, I used to take great pleasure in opening a bag and carefully pulling out a large, unbroken crisp. None were ever completely round and often came in interesting shapes. I remember one back in 2014 that looked like former Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev’s head, although I sometimes wonder why I’d remember the shape of Gorbachev’s head 23 years after he left office.

Anyway, I would eat all of the whole chips before finally consenting to nosh on the half chips, but once I got down to the quarter chips, I’d throw the bag away.

Not anymore.

I now devour every last piece of chip dust to the point that – when I’m done – there is nothing remaining in the bag but the bag itself.

One day – maybe five, 10 years down the road – the coronavirus crisis will hopefully pass, but I’m confident the lessons learned from quarantine will stick with me.

Going forward I’ll continue to respect bread heels, enjoy peanut butter to the last drop, and leave no chip behind.

Oh, and I’ll probably still stay away from most of you people. It’s nothing personal – I just don’t want to have to share what’s left of my peanut butter.