Month: February 2018

The Winter Games leave me mostly cold

Now that I no longer work at a newspaper, that means I no longer have to tiptoe around topics that might offend publishers, advertisers and editors.

Out of Left Field is written by Scott Adamson. It appears weekly and sometimes more frequently if he gets up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

I can write what I think without caring what anyone thinks of what I write.

And that being the case, today I’d like to admit that – for the most part – I couldn’t care less about the Winter Olympics. Unlike the Summer Games, where I’ll watch almost anything contested during the quadrennial gathering, much of the cold weather competition just doesn’t interest me.

Oh, I’ll watch hockey because I’m a hockey fan, and the bobsled event is fascinating because … well, I don’t know. It just is.

Barring those events, however, I’d just as soon leave it all alone.

Obviously, I hope my fellow countrywomen and countrymen do well and appreciate all the hard work they’ve put in. It’s just that their sacrifices don’t inspire me to actually sit down and witness the labor of their love.

The PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games begin today. On Thursday, NBC will showcase figure skating starting at 8 p.m. – opposite the Duke vs. North Carolina basketball game.

Guess what I’ll be watching?

That being said, I’m not one of those sanctimonious types who think if I’m not interested in a sport you shouldn’t be, either, or that it isn’t worth following.

If you enjoy it then it’s worthwhile, no matter what sport it is. I think it’s great if you like things such as Nordic Combined, Skeleton and curling.

But I didn’t even know what Nordic Combined was until I looked it up.

At first glance the phrase led me to believe it might be a service I’d have to pay extra for if I was visiting a house of ill repute in Finland.

That’s not the case, though.

Nordic Combined is actually ski jumping and cross country skiing. To be good at it takes great skill. Hell, to be bad at it takes great skill.

But you know what else takes great skill?

Removing an appendix.

If you went to the emergency room with a ruptured appendix that required removal, I would be quite impressed with the doctor doing the surgery.

However, I wouldn’t want to see it.

And I don’t care to see Nordic Combined, either. Unlike an appendectomy I’m not repulsed by it or anything, it’s just not on my list of things to observe.

Same goes for Skeleton, which was also something I was completely unfamiliar with until I looked for it on the interwebs.

Skeleton “…requires individuals to ride a small sled down a frozen track while lying face down and forward facing.”

I used to do something similar to that when I was young and there was a rare snow. Of course I just called it “sledding.” Really though, since I led with my face, it should’ve probably been called, “dumbass sledding.”

But Skeleton sounds better than Dumbass Sledding (unless you’re competing in the Jackass Olympiad).

And of course, there’s curling.

I once poked fun at curling in a column, only to be schooled by a reader on what the sport entails.

So to prevent offending the curling community again, let me say I have nothing but respect for the women and men who put polished granite stones on ice and slide them toward a target while other women and men use brooms to frantically sweep in front of the polished granite stones.

But as is the case with Nordic Combined and Skeleton, it just doesn’t excite me and there’s no use pretending that it does.

Much of the airtime from the Winter Games will be devoted to ski jumping, figure skating and speed skating, things I have never done and never will do.

For millions of people, however, each of those activities are mesmerizing.

Yet the first event I plan to watch is on Feb. 14 when the United States men take on Slovenia in a Group B hockey showdown. There are no NHL players participating this time out, but hey – Miracle On Ice.

Then on Feb. 20, the women’s and men’s bobsled teams will begin competition, so I’ll check out a bit of that as well.

Beyond that, I’ll leave it to the rest of you guys to drink deep of the thrills and pageantry that comes with skiing, sledding, skating and sweeping ice.

And to all of the competitors representing the United States in those other pursuits, please know that I’ll be rooting for you.

I just won’t be watching you.

Alternative pro soccer league? It’s worth a shot

All who know me understand that when I hear the phrase “alternative league,” my spider senses start to tingle.

Scott Adamson writes about soccer because he enjoys writing about soccer. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

My sports memories date back to being a young kid who was a much bigger fan of the American Football League than the National Football League. As painful as it is, I still cheer for the New York Jets.

My favorite basketball team?

I gave me heart to the New York Nets of the American Basketball Association.

Hockey?

I was a proud supporter of the World Hockey Association’s Birmingham Bulls.

And even though the New York Cosmos of the North American Soccer League were the primary object of my association football affections, I also tried to keep track of the American Soccer League.

Sure, the ASL was much older than the NASL so you can’t really assign it “alternative status,” but once the league that featured the likes of Pele, George Best, Johan Cruyff and Rodney Marsh became a sensation for a few remarkable years, the ASL was an afterthought.

Not to me, though. While teams came and went at a sometimes alarming pace, I did my best to follow such lost-to-history franchises as the New York Eagles, Carolina Lightnin’ and Los Angeles Skyhawks.

(Fun fact: Basketball legend Bob Cousy was ASL commissioner from 1974 to 1979).

So naturally, when Jacksonville Armada owner Robert Palmer dangled the carrot of an “unsanctioned professional league,” well, that got me really, really interested.

The Armada, of course, are part of the modern NASL, which is on life support since the United States Soccer Federation refused to grant it second division status for 2018. The league is hoping for relief from the courts, but failing that, the NASL might never host another competitive match.

In the interim, Jacksonville will compete in the National Premier Soccer League, a fourth-tier circuit that bills itself as a “national league with regional focus.”

And while Palmer released a statement assuring fans that his club is “engaged in discussions with other start-up leagues that intend to seek sanctioning from the United States Soccer Federation,” this was the part that caught my eye:

“For the future security of the Armada, I have put together a task force comprised of the brightest minds across my companies and soccer experts. This task force is exploring the possibility of funding and operating an unsanctioned professional league. It would be an option if the other leagues are not able to successfully navigate the political landscape of the USSF.”

Translation: In the current landscape of the USSF, it’s Major League Soccer’s world and only the United Soccer League (and its amateur Premier Development League) truly get to breathe the same air.

I had really hoped that the new NASL would survive and thrive and eventually provide MLS with some competition, because competition is healthy. That, however, now seems unlikely.

But let’s be extremely optimistic for a moment – or at least indulge me as I immerse myself in a soccer fantasy world.

What if Palmer’s task force comes up with the audacious idea of building a top-tier league from the ground up? And what if that American soccer alternative featured a promotion/relegation system? And what if the future USSF leaders decided it was ultimately worthy of sanction?

I’d get behind such a league in a heartbeat.

I’m already smitten with the fledgling third division National Independent Soccer Association, which will be built around pro/rel. It features fan ownership, has a forward-thinking business model, and checks all the boxes when it comes to how play-for-pay soccer leagues can grow and thrive.

Imagine that model applied to a “major league” that isn’t afraid to be part of a system that has helped make soccer the world’s most popular sport.

Let’s face it … MLS is a closed system and will almost certainly always be a closed system. Once an ownership group buys a franchise they know that win, lose or draw, that franchise will always be part of the first division.

(When Forbes looked at the value of MLS clubs in 2016, it determined they are worth $185 million on average).

In the current environment, about the best pro/rel proponents can hope for is a pyramid with a second division ceiling.

USL president Jake Edwards told the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News last month that his league, which will feature USL D3 starting in 2019, is taking a hard look at the model.

“I think it would be very interesting to look at pro/rel between those two divisions,” Edwards told the paper. “We certainly could do it now and I think there’s an interest to do it among our board.

“We are going to experiment with precursors, such as maybe some sort of inter-league competition, an inter-league cup. We’re going to look at options like that to see if that works.”

Maybe that’s what America’s current soccer overlords see as a compromise. They can say, “See, we have promotion/relegation!” even though it stops short of its ultimate purpose.

If I could work my will with a “renegade” league, it would start in August, end in May, crown a champion based on best record through 38 matches, send teams up, and send teams down.

The 24 flagship clubs (aside from Jacksonville, of course) would be in hotbed soccer markets large and small as well as cities that, to date, have been snubbed by MLS. San Francisco, Cincinnati, St. Louis, San Antonio, Charlotte, Detroit, and Phoenix come to mind immediately.

It would all be part of a real pyramid that includes some of the great lower division leagues already in existence, and built on the same foundation that has been the tried and true soccer blueprint used – with great success – across the world.

And every single club in that pyramid could dream of moving up.

Did I read too much into Palmer’s “funding and operating an unsanctioned professional league” remark?

Perhaps.

Are there too many obstacles to clear?

Probably. If you don’t get USSF sanctioning, you don’t get access to current and future United States Men’s National Team players or the governing body’s resources. Plus, I just don’t know if there are enough people (with enough cash and patience) willing to step into the ring and fight for the soul of U.S. soccer.

But I could be wrong. And if such a league is ever formed, I’ll be solidly in its corner.

Party tips to make your Sunday really super

It’s Super Bowl weekend, which means I’m getting ready to watch a team I hate (the New England Patriots) face a team I care nothing about (the Philadelphia Eagles) in a game that I will have on TV out of moral obligation but, frankly, have little interest in.

Brain Farce is an alleged humor column written by Scott Adamson. It comes out basically whenever he feels like writing it. Follow him on Twitter @adamsonsl

But that’s why there are Super Bowl parties, right?

These gatherings are a staple for football fans and non-fans alike, an all-American celebration that sees people come together in living rooms for food, drink and fellowship.

And being a man of sophistication, I have not only participated in such parties, but helped plan them.

Let’s be honest, though … too many of these events are predictable.

Cooler of beer?

Check.

Sausage balls?

Check.

Pigs-in-blankets?

Check.

Chips and salsa?

Check.

That’s all well and good, but boring.

Why not shake things up?

In that spirit, here are some ideas to help spice up your Super Bowl party, regardless of whether or not you cheer for the Eagles or those other bastards:

 

FOODS SHOULD BE FESTIVE

You can continue the tradition of sausage balls, pigs-in-blankets and chips and salsa, but dress them up and give them festive names.

Imagine the look on your guests’ faces when they see a spread of pork testicles, swine-in-fitted sheets and deep-fried tortilla wedges and tomato puke.

They’ll be eating the same food they normally eat, but it’ll have a whole new attitude.

Of course you can also go way outside the box.

One year, instead of going to all the trouble of preparing foods, I kept it simple.

I just placed eight packs of frozen wieners and a jar of mayonnaise on the table and told guest to help themselves.

You’d be surprised how many did.

 

BEVERAGE OPTIONS

Back during my drinking days, I just assumed stocking a cooler full of beer was sufficient for any Super Bowl party. And if – heaven forbid – someone was a teetotaler, I’d just direct them to the water faucet.

But times have changed.

Some people would rather not drink beer at parties, Super Bowl or otherwise.

Again, this is a chance to be bold.

Why not buy a kiddie pool and fill it with pure grain alcohol?

Sure, Everclear may be considered a “neutral spirit,” but your guests will be shifting into overdrive quickly as they belly up to the pool to get their drink on.

Want to try an even more innovative beverage option?

NyQuil.

The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-rest medicine comes with its own plastic shot glass, which leads me to believe its makers are well aware it can be used for an entirely different purpose.

And if you’re on a budget, you can get the store brand knockoffs which basically have the same effect.

If you go this route, chances are good your guests will be asleep by the second half, but it probably won’t matter as by then Bill Belichick will have made some unholy bargain with Satan to ensure that the Patriots win their 12th Super Bowl in the last 10 years.

 

PREGAME FUN AND GAMES

Remember playing pin the tail on the donkey and hitting a candy-filled piñata?

Me either.

And trying to get adults to play those games in the leadup to the Super Bowl is pointless.

Have fun! Be creative!

I’ve always thought it would be cool to set up a miniature boxing ring in the living room and have guests square off in a bare knuckle brawl that lasts until one fighter is knocked unconscious.

Divisions could be based on weight, sex, age – whatever.

The gifts you choose to award the winners are up to you, of course, but sometimes a losers’ consolation prize is best.

Who doesn’t want to ride in an ambulance?

In the interest of full disclosure, I have no party plans at all on Sunday.

My wife, who has less interest in sports than any human being who has ever lived, will be reading.

I’ll be watching alone, snacking on healthy foods because my body is a temple and I damn near burned it down for the first 45 years of my life.

But just because I’m not in the party mood doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be, and hopefully I’ve given you enough tips to make sure this really is a Super Sunday.

So eat, drink and knock the crap out of somebody in your living room.

It’s the American way.