It’s Valentine’s Day, and for many of you lovebirds it means flowers, chocolates and a romantic dinner, all framed by a soundtrack featuring Barry White, Harry Connick Jr. and Michael Buble.
What does it mean for me and my darling person?
We’ve recorded a bunch of “Your Worst Nightmare” episodes on Investigation Discovery, as well as of ID’s newest series, “Bride Killa.”
We’ll watch those, eat a whole pizza and then call it a night.
What … you don’t think that’s romantic?
Maybe not in the traditional sense. But then again, we’re married and we aren’t exactly “traditional” people.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve done the whole Valentine’s Day shtick before.
In fourth grade I saved up all my pennies, nickels and quarters to buy my girlfriend a big, heart-shaped box of chocolates.
And this was a Whitman’s Sampler, too, not one of those knock-off brands full of cheap-ass chocolate filled with that weird jelly.
I can’t remember her name – or even what became of her – but I do know she had polished off the entire box by lunch period.
You’re welcome, fourth grade girlfriend, whoever you are and wherever you are.
Once in high school, of course, the stakes get much higher.
Maybe you’d actually have flowers sent to the school.
This was a truly “romantic” gesture, of course, but hardly cost-effective. The markup on flowers is about 500 percent on Valentine’s Day.
But if you go that route, just stick to red roses. I had a dozen yellow roses sent to my junior year girlfriend because I thought it was unique, not realizing yellow roses mean “friendship” and not “love.”
Turns out in my case that was not a correctable error.
And then when you become an adult, you can end up spending a fortune on Valentine’s Day.
There are roses AND chocolates AND a candlelight dinner at an intimate restaurant such as Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral.*
* Golden Corral makes you bring your own candle but it’s the best buffet in the USA, so it’s worth it.
Still, you play along with the holiday for as long as you have to, and then you finally (hopefully) get comfortable ignoring it.
And really, Saint Valentine’s Day was never meant to be about commerce.
It originated as a Western Christian Feast Day honoring a 3rd century Roman saint who was martyred, conveniently enough, on St. Valentine’s Day in 269.
I assume flowers were sent to his funeral, but I doubt Whitman’s Samplers were available back then.
Plus, sending chocolates would’ve been messed up.
You can thank Geoffrey Chaucer for making the day all about romance. In his 1382 poem, “Parliement of Foules” he wrote:
“For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.”
What stands out to me more than anything is that the dude could not spell. If you took a red ink marker to make corrections on his work, it’d look like the St. Valentine’s Day massacre.
However, if you decipher it, what Geoff is trying to say is that on Valentine’s Day, there will be birds making cheese.
I’m not sure what this has to do with flowers or candy, but this is what Mr. Wikipedia says and I am in no position to argue.
Certainly, there is nothing wrong with a traditional Valentine’s Day celebration.
A delicious dinner, a bottle of wine and then some intimate alone time (remember the safe word is “Gryffindor”) is a wonderful way to spend Cupid’s biggest sales day.
But my wife and I love each other and have fun any time we’re together so, at the risk of sounding cheesy, every day is Valentine’s Day for us.
And that being the case, we’ll just stick with the ID channel and a three-cheese pizza tonight.
Unless we decide to be spontaneous and head out to the Golden Corral. Nothing puts you in the mood like the endless chocolate fountain.