Remember Jim Bakker?
He’s the con man (aka TV evangelist) who used to run the PTL Club, which was funded in large part by gullible people who felt the need to send Jim their money so he could spread whatever people like him spread.
There was a sex scandal (isn’t there always?) that knocked him off his perch, and ultimately he went to prison for embezzlement. Seems his luxury hotel and theme park in Charlotte – Heritage USA – was simply a way for Jim to help Jim, so he bilked cult members (I’m sorry … I meant followers) out of a whole lot of Benjamins.
Anyway, he was indicted in 1988 on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy, and convicted of them all. Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in prison but wound up serving only five.
And you know what that means.
Yep, much like major league baseball managers who get fired and then re-hired, TV evangelists never truly go away until they croak.
And now ol’ Jim is once again broadcasting “live from the Ozark Mountains.” This time, though, his shtick is doomsday prophecy.
At PTL he was a prosperity gospel pioneer. And darn it, he was almost elfin – talking really, really nice to his TV audience in hopes they’d sacrifice buying food for their child that week in order to send the Lord some cash. But since the Lord has no checking account, Jim was glad to handle His finances.
These days, though, it’s all doom and gloom, and his guests include an all-star lineup of the nuckin’ futz. It’s like what would happen if Alex Jones ran a church.
The bottom line message is that the end times are at hand, and soon the world will be engulfed in flames while giant CGI creatures turn earth into an unimaginable hellscape. Jim is now bearded and fully gray, so when he bears the horrible news, he looks serious doing so.
But hey, you still gotta eat, right?
And Jim’s still gotta have your money.
So before it’s all consumed by demons and monsters, you need to stock up on supplies.
And, oh, what wonderful supplies Jim has for you!
The best are his Emergency Food Buckets, which are guaranteed to have a shelf life of 25 years.
One deliciously good deal is the $175 deluxe bucket that features a total of 374 servings of “savory, tasty food.”
So, while the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Death, Famine, War and Conquest) battle it out with the Four Horsemen of Notre Dame (Harry Stuhldreher, Don Miller, Jim Crowley, and Elmer Layden), you’ll be eating like kings and queens.
This is assuming, of course, that kings and queens enjoy shit you have to rehydrate to eat, but who knows? Maybe they do.
(Perhaps we had it all wrong and what Marie Antoinette actually said was, “Let them eat MREs.”)
There’s also a 30-day “Fiesta Bucket” for the low, end-of-days price of $100.
This is for those of us who want to spend our last days enjoying Mexican food. And let’s be honest – when that giant sea creature comes on the land and starts wreaking havoc, there ain’t gonna be no Taco Bells open.
But really, these are all just quick fixes that won’t be nearly enough to see you through the tribulation.
If you’re in the end times for the long haul, I suggest you go with the $3,700 “Time of Trouble Tasty Pantry Deluxe” plan.
This features 10,472 servings (that’s seven years of food, according to Brother Jim) and it’s a $10,995 value.
If you act now, you’ll also receive the “Birthday Gift To Baby Jesus Shocking Prophecies” DVD as well as 12 Christmas ornaments.
So while you’re eating powdered eggs and a substance that has a faint bacon taste, you can scare the crap out of the kiddies by watching sin porn – and decorating the tree.
By the way, the 12 free ornaments are “randomly chosen” so there’s no way of knowing what you’ll wind up with. But for nearly four grand, there by God better be an angel tree topper in there somewhere.
Now in fairness to Jim, he wants to do more than just feed you.
His store also features fuel, generators, tools, medical supplies – pretty much everything you’ll need to fight off the hounds of hell. And you can do it on a full stomach thanks to these mighty fine food buckets.
However, you need to act fast.
Jim is pretty sure the world is going to end in his lifetime.
And I’m pretty sure he needs you to help pay for his new swimming pool before it does.